Ben Crane seems like a normal guy who could have a nice, under the radar career. But no, the Internet has turned everything into a high school talent show popularity contest, and the jocks are the first ones to put on wigs and put balloons into bras and do funny dances to “My Humps.” Suddenly, Crane is a weird hybrid of Dean Pelton from “Community” and Brian Wilson, moonwalking on the Internet in ladies underwear for your amusement.

Watch the following video to forever change your impression of Ben Crane. You know, honestly? This video might be a good thing. Because show of hands, how many of you had an impression of Ben Crane before clicking this?

It’s the best and worst thing to happen to golf since Tiger Woods sent that “you are wrong I’m bone thugs in harmon” text.

If you didn’t listen to my appearance on Dan Levy’s podcast this morning then you haven’t heard my totally awesome and not-over-the-top-at-all take on Adam Scott’s long putter, which he uses with an overhand grip while bracing the end of the shaft up against his chest (ah, that takes me back). And my opinion on the Aussie’s unconventional club is pretty simple: that putter is a war crime and should be banned.

I’ve seen lots of older players use the longer putters that brace against the belly or chest while swung, and if you’re an older guy that can’t really bend over the ball as you could have in days of yore, that’s understandable. I GUESS I could even be sympathetic to a Champions Tour player looking to eke another year or two out of his career. But Scott is 31, with a presumably healthy back, and that pool cleaner he keeps in his bag has no place on the PGA Tour.

For that putter to be legal in a major tournament, or any professional tournament at all, is a joke. Maybe Scott could also use a hockey stick, croquet mallet, or an old lead pipe out of the groundskeeper’s shed. Buy a real putter, Adam. Use it. Live it. And maybe then you’ll have a major championship from which your fans can take pride. Putting with Helen Keller’s walking stick won’t do.

South African Charl Schwartzel won his first major ever at Augusta National yesterday, and now everyone is p:ssed because nobody has ever heard of this guy. I guess having half the field in contention and then seeing only the third player ever from South Africa finish birdie-birdie-birdie-birdie to win the green jacket wasn’t good enough for them. Whatever, clowns. Just go back to watching Yankees games.

Schwartzel capped a wild final round which featured seven different leaders to finish at 14-under-par for the tournament. Schwartzel posted a 6-under-par 66 on the final round, highlighted by a lengthy putt which rolled in to a chorus of cheers at Augusta National Golf Club.
Australians Jason Day and Adam Scott finished tied for second at 12-under, while Tiger Woods, Geoff Ogilvy and Luke Donald ended up in a tie at 10-under.

–Nashua Telegraph.

Rory McIlroy, the 21-year-old who led the field into Sunday’s final round, shot an 80 in one of the better meltdowns we’ve seen at Augusta. Woods shot a 67 in an impressive charge for the lead, but blew a birdie putt at 15 that sunk his chances for a fifth green jacket. And apparently sexism is alive and well at Augusta, too. So there’s that..

Beloved American sports reporter Jim Gray was dismissed from an assignment covering the PGA Tour yesterday. The Golf Channel had hired Gray, described as a freelance journalist by USA Today, to report during the Northern Trust Open in Pacific Palisades, CA this weekend, but after a spat with a Tour player, Gray was sent home. From USA Today’s Game On:

Gray apparently got into a heated argument with golfer Dustin Johnson’s caddie Thursday. Johnson incurred a two-stroke penalty after nearly missing his tee time, a blunder Gray reported on the network’s Golf Central show. After Johnson posted a first round 73, his caddie got into a profanity-laced argument with Gray.

“Our aim is to provide the best possible golf coverage for our viewers. Anything else is a disservice. In order not to provide further distraction, we’ve decided to remove Jim from this particular assignment,” [The Golf Channel spokesman Dan] Higgins said Friday.

The excuses I keep hearing for Jim Gray’s refusal to die are the dearth of on-air television talent and his annoying ability to actually get stories that others can’t. I have no problems with Gray, other than the fact that he strikes me as the kind of guy that would talk on his cell phone in a movie theater and chloroform his mother for gas money. I’m sure he’s just misunderstood, like Kim Jong-il and British actors. Again with Richard III?! Losers.

Devon James, the adult film star who is perhaps best known for being one of Tiger Woods’ sex partners before the golf star divorced his wife, is allegedly marketing a sex tape featuring the both of them mashin’ dem guts. The tape has been described as “explosive,” which makes me think of two things. One is the first five minutes of “Inspector Gadget.” The other is much, much worse.

“The tape is 62 minutes long and 37 minutes of it is us having sex,” James told RadarOnline.com, before boarding a flight from Tampa Bay to Los Angeles, Wednesday.

“We are flying to Los Angeles today to meet with Vivid about selling the tape.”

By the way, Vivid Entertainment is the same company that brought on former Tiger Ho Joslyn James to do a Tiger-themed porno in May. Devon James, as a matter of fact, is the same woman who tried to claim in court that Tiger was the father of her nine-year-old son, who really isn’t much of an athlete at all. Hopefully he won’t follow his mother’s footsteps into porn. James says that the tape is worth $350,000, which would be totally believable if we didn’t live in an age where interracial sex wasn’t all over Google Image search. See for yourself. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

Elin Woods has broken her silence, and I’d like to think that she did it with the cutest little Swedish accent. The woman who is now Tiger Woods’ ex-wife spoke for a magazine interview to be released in full later this week.

The 30-year-old mother of two, who is studying towards a college degree in psychology, says that despite her husband’s betrayal, “I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself.”

“My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal,” she says. –People.

I don’t know what it is about women getting cheated on that they leave the experience so empowering. I guess the reported nine-figure divorce settlement. She’s set for life, and can get cheated on by whomever she pleases now. Maybe that’s what she meant.