Prior to this past weekend’s U.S. Open Championship, I’d never heard of Billy Horschel and even then I was only able to learn that he is “some dude from UF”, per one of my more tuned-in PGA fan friends. However, Horschel quickly became a household name yesterday, but not because he played smart and tough enough to finish tied for fourth. It’s because he wore a pair of pants that had octopuses all over them.

Horschel’s clothes were provided by RLX, which is Ralph Lauren’s fancy pants golf line, and the culmination of the company’s efforts arrived yesterday morning with a huge Cephalopoda statement that had the Intertubes and the Twitters a-buzzin’. Of course, a lot of people scoffed at Horschel’s chosen pants, but not I. For they are the greatest golf pants that I have ever seen and I love them.

In fact, I love them so much that I wrote a poem to the RLX octopus pants.

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Getcha some, old dog.

It has been a pretty big week for golfing legend Arnold Palmer, between his Invitational tournament currently taking place at the Bay Hill Club here in my beautiful Mecca of Orlando and the upcoming launch of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2014, which features the 83-year old icon and some of the greatest golfers of all-time. So it’s only natural that The King would get some of his old swag back and take a shot at Kate Upton.

The two-time Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue cover model joined Palmer for lunch yesterday to show some support for the Arnold Palmer Hospitals, and because he is actually sort of responsible for Upton being famous in the first place. Something about him referring her to an agent or whatever.

So if you think that this was just a case of two nice people getting together for a good cause, you’re probably right. But believe me that there’s still a club or two left in this dog’s old bag.

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Tennis star Serena Williams was hanging out in the gallery at the Honda Classic golf tournament in Palm Beach Gardens over the weekend, and just like everyone else, she really wanted a picture of Tiger Woods. Unfortunately, the golf Gestapo takes its photography rules very seriously, so when Williams busted out her iPhone to snap a picture, one official told her to talk to his hand, because it seems that his face was unavailable at that time.

Needless to say, Williams first stared the stare of 1,000 demons at said official before firing off the meanest Tweet in the history of Tweeters.

Ok at this Golf tournament. Just saw @tigerwoodsI understand NO golf Apparently u can’t take pics. This security for mad and yelled at me

— Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) March 1, 2013

Okay, maybe that wasn’t really mean. I just didn’t actually understand it that well. Williams recovered her composure rather quickly – unlike other times in her young life – and she realized her mistake while noting that tennis players have to deal with constant photography. What’s fair is fair, or something to that nature.

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"Oh well, guess I'm just stuck with my $110 million."

Two weeks ago, there was a juicy HOTT GOSS rumor floating around that Tiger Woods was offering his ex-wife Elin Nordegren $200 million to remarry him, and he was backing that up with an additional $350 million prenuptial agreement. Of this rumor, which came from the dismissive-wank-worthy National Enquirer, I wrote that it made no sense, because:

1. Nordegren already took $110 million from Woods in their divorce, so why would she trade the remaining shreds of her dignity for $200 million and endless public scorn?
2. Woods could save his $550 million package and still sleep with pretty much any girl on this planet.

It turns out that option 2 was correct, because the man who is probably going to win his seventh Farmers Insurance Open title today has apparently been dating Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn since November.

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There once was a time when someone would send me a story that started off with “According to the National Enquirer…” and it would go into my deleted bin right after I’d send a quick “Come on, bro” response to that bro. But then something funny happened – the Enquirer totally nailed the Tiger Woods cheating scandal. Granted, that’s basically a prime example of the old adage about throwing sh*t at a wall, but it was still big enough to buy Enquirer a shred of credibility.

Well, friends, a shred ain’t enough to make me buy into this latest Enquirer “exclusive”.

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I have a dream that I don’t really share with anyone because it’s stupid and will never happen, but one day I would love to play in a celebrity pro-am golf tournament with Bill Murray. My dream used to be to make the Senior PGA so I don’t have to worry about rotting in a nursing home hellhole, but I really suck at golf, so that dream was crushed like a beer can under one of John Daly’s ass cheeks. Nevertheless, I play golf because I find peace and inspiration in it, and that’s before I was even aware of amateur golfer Manuel de los Santos’ existence.

A former prospect for the Toronto Blue Jays, de los Santos has been pursuing a career as a professional golfer for the last 9 years or so. But why on Earth would he give up a shot at Major League Baseball for the PGA?

“I was a baseball player and the first time I see the little ball on the floor, I didn’t have anything in my mind to hit this ball,” the Dominican Republic native said.

“I had to find a way to hit this ball. He was on the floor waiting for me. He do nothing and I had a problem. I only had one leg.” (Via the Herald Sun)

Ah yes, one leg. It turns out that de los Santos lost his left leg in a motorcycle accident when he was just 18, thus ruining his once-promising baseball career. But instead of being a mopey crybaby about it, he did what any inspired, motivated athlete would do – he watched The Legend of Bagger Vance. Wait, what?

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