Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.
Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.
Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:
Donovan McNabb is probably never going to play in the NFL again, unless he’s willing to take a job as a backup. Even then, he’ll probably still complain about being a backup and demand that he be allowed to compete for the starting job. At least that’s what I assume is the thought process of any GM looking for a competent veteran, because otherwise he’d be a Miami Dolphin.
It seems that McNabb may have accepted this idea now as well, because he’s already taking the next step in his career – promoting himself for the NFL Hall of Fame. According to McNabb, he’s as good as in.
“What happens a lot of times is we look at what the list says, so we talk about the five NFC Championship Games, the six Pro Bowls and then we come to the end, ‘Well, he never won the big game,’ ” McNabb told Mark Kriegel of FoxSports.com, via the Philadelphia Daily News. “Well, Peyton never won the big game until he won the Super Bowl. Dan Marino never won the big game. Does that mean his career is a failure? No, not at all.” (Via NFL.com)
That’s right, the big game is the Super Bowl, and Peyton Manning never won the big game until he won the big game. Aside from the fact that Manning and Marino are two of the most proficient passers in NFL history, that’s incredible logic right there. But let’s go ahead and destroy that logic for the sake of building a self-beneficial argument.
“First of all is his numbers. How many times has he led his team to the big game?” McNabb said. “The big game still is the NFC Championship Game, the game to lead you there, and most importantly of all, did he make the players around him better? In his time, in his era, was he a top-five, top-10 quarterback in the league?”
Okay, that’s more convenient, making the NFC Championship Game the “big game”. The Super Bowl is just the Pro Bowl play-in game at this point, so what matters is the conference championship. That must be why Jim Kelly is in the Hall of Fame. He sucked at winning Super Bowls, but they don’t matter. He was, however, awesome at winning the AFC Championship, and that’s the “big game”. But if that is the argument, it’s pretty weak, because McNabb was 1-4 in his big games.
I want to be fair, though. First, since McNabb invoked Manning and Marino as examples, let’s compare this trio.
If you had a chance to catch Saturday Night Live this weekend, then I’m sure you noticed the Jay Z parody sketch that would have been funny 3 years ago same cutting edge humor that New York’s finest always deliver. Tucked away in the first hour of this week’s show was the host card for the next episode on May 5, and the honor of awkwardly attempting to deliver Gilly sketch lines from a cue card is New York Giants quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. It’s like a gift from the gods of unintentional comedy.
Back in February, we mentioned that Green Bay Packers QB and guy I’d like to be best friends with Aaron Rodgers was in consideration for hosting duties, but apparently the Discount Double Check is just too fresh in our minds to parody right now. Instead, the SNL writing team can work with seasoned material like Manning’s proud daddy or how he helped win Super Bowl XLII.
Eli will, of course, be held to the standard set by his big brother Peyton Manning, who delivered undoubtedly the best hosting performance by an athlete in the show’s history. And that praise only comes for one reason – the United Way sketch.
As we’ve discussed in the past, you can’t have much of a conversation about recent New York Jets acquisition Tim Tebow without religion being mentioned. Whether it’s our juvenile jokes or the fiery rages of cable news debate, Tebow’s No. 1 claim to fame isn’t that he’s a former Heisman Trophy winner and BCS champion quarterback, but that he really loves God.
So it goes without saying that certain religious figures would list Tebow as their favorite athlete, and that seems to be the case with televangelist Pat Robertson, who took time out from spreading the gospel to complain about the Denver Broncos giving up on Tebow for that washed up bum, Peyton Manning.
“I think the Denver Broncos treated him shabbily. He won seven games. He brought them into the playoffs, for heaven sakes. I mean, they were a nothing team. He rallied them together with spectacular last-minute passes and, you know, when they beat Buffalo — I mean, Pittsburgh — it was a tremendous victory.”
Buffalo in the playoffs? Now I know that you’re just a senile old coot.
“And you just ask yourself, OK, Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.”
I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with what Robertson said, really, because it actually seems like common sense commentary – “If Manning gets injured, the Broncos have nothing.” Unfortunately, common sense doesn’t make good headlines. In fact, it’s a lot more fun if you take what Robertson said – that if Manning gets injured, maybe Denver deserves to be screwed – and make it much more scandalous.
The Craziest 10 Minutes In NFL History - This is about Joe Theismann’s leg breaking and all the gross replays, isn’t it? [Smoking Section]
Jennifer Lawrence Hurls A Bucket Of KFC Fried Chicken At A Basketball Hoop - Technically sports related! Also, possibly racist? [Buzzfeed]
6 Actors Who Played the Exact Same Role in Two Very Different Franchises - Chris Paul should be on this list. So should Ryan Gosling in ‘Drive’ and ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’. [Unreality]
Old Dirty Bastard biopic to star Omar from The Wire - Hey! Dirt-ay! Baby I got your honey (Nut Cheerios) don’t you worry! [Film Drunk]
‘Let Me Tweet That For You’ Will Be Your Favorite Thing On The Internet For The Next Five Minutes - This is one of those masterful moments of technology where you get excited to find it, then have absolutely nothing to use it for. Like Hypercolor. [UPROXX]
Will Ferrell Discusses Butt Sex, Demonstrates Dog Training Skills On Conan -Casa De Mi Padre was really funny, but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking, “Man, I wish this was Black Dynamite“. [UPROXX]
This New Ending To Mass Effect 3 Explains Everything - Now I want to do one of these for The Blair Witch Project, just to put up a picture of the Blair Witch with THEY AIN’T EVEN SHOW THE BLAIR WITCH under it. [Gamma Squad]
The SF Giants Mascot Battle Royal, Or ‘Giant Seal Doesn’t Know How To Work’ - Reposting for posterity. Still the funniest and best thing to happen to me all week. [With Leather]
‘Mad Men’: The 8-Bit Choose Your Own Adventure Game - This needs to be more like the ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ NES game. I want to hop on one foot and punch Jimmy Barrett. [Warming Glow|]
13 Oddly Intelligent Instances Of Bathroom Graffiti - Saw one that said “yeah, but is it art?” inside a port-a-potty during SXSW. Didn’t know if it was talking about the pile of diapers or what. [HuffPost Comedy]
10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Sloths - Thing 11: Sloths love Chunk. But maybe you knew that. [The FW]
Why Do the Sitcoms We Love Have So Little in Common with the Lives We Lead? - I don’t know what this article is talking about, when Zooey Deschanel broke up with the guy from Death Cab she moved into my apartment, and she and I and all our friends go on these wacky date-adventures that end with us being a little worse for wear, but better friends. [Pajiba]
"And this is the sound mah private plane makes... DERRRRRRRRP."
This might be my favorite story of the year so far. A Colorado man and Navy veteran passed away on Monday, and above all else he prided himself as a huge Denver Broncos fan. That’s important to note, because he went out with the coolest obituary opening I’ve ever read.
James H. “Jim” Driver, 78, of Eagle, Colo., formerly of Columbia, passed away Monday, March 19, 2012, at South Hampton Place in Columbia after a brief illness. An avid Broncos fan, he abhorred Manning and evidently wanted out before a deal was done. (Via The Columbia Daily Tribune)
Reading the rest of his obituary, Driver sounds like a pretty cool guy. He married a girl from St. Louis, lived in Florida and owned a pizza shop. He also donated his spare time to teaching kids how to ice skate – not my bag, but I like teaching kids how to curse – and helping animal shelters. It’s like he outlined the life I want to live, only to leave out the part about repopulating an entire of race of large-breasted alien women who look like Kate Upton but are all Siamese twins.
I may have never met Jim Driver, but I get the feeling I would have enjoyed watching a football game with him.