Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.

Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.

Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:

12. Tiger Woods
15. LeBron James
27. Kobe Bryant
31. Roger Federer
32. David Beckham
33. Manny Pacquiao
40. Peyton Manning
44. Cristiano Ronaldo
47. Rafael Nadal
48. Phil Mickelson
50. Lionel Messi
52. Floyd Mayweather Jr.
60. Tom Brady
63. Alex Rodriguez
71. Maria Sharapova
77. Serena Williams
87. Li Na

It should be noted that Manny Pacquiao is one spot ahead of Ellen Degeneres, which should make him happy.

When you get to the bottom of the list it gets amazing, by the way. The biggest knockout blow is 90, 91 and 92 being Jeff Dunham, Larry The Cable Guy and Skrillex respectively. One of the biggest surprises to me was Bon f**king Jovi ranking at #25, ahead of Howard Stern and Ryan Seacrest. I know the teenage version of him plays lacrosse, but I had no idea he was still bringing in 38 millionaires more press and cash than Alex Rodriguez.

Donovan McNabb is probably never going to play in the NFL again, unless he’s willing to take a job as a backup. Even then, he’ll probably still complain about being a backup and demand that he be allowed to compete for the starting job. At least that’s what I assume is the thought process of any GM looking for a competent veteran, because otherwise he’d be a Miami Dolphin.

It seems that McNabb may have accepted this idea now as well, because he’s already taking the next step in his career – promoting himself for the NFL Hall of Fame. According to McNabb, he’s as good as in.

“What happens a lot of times is we look at what the list says, so we talk about the five NFC Championship Games, the six Pro Bowls and then we come to the end, ‘Well, he never won the big game,’ ” McNabb told Mark Kriegel of FoxSports.com, via the Philadelphia Daily News. “Well, Peyton never won the big game until he won the Super Bowl. Dan Marino never won the big game. Does that mean his career is a failure? No, not at all.” (Via NFL.com)

That’s right, the big game is the Super Bowl, and Peyton Manning never won the big game until he won the big game. Aside from the fact that Manning and Marino are two of the most proficient passers in NFL history, that’s incredible logic right there. But let’s go ahead and destroy that logic for the sake of building a self-beneficial argument.

“First of all is his numbers. How many times has he led his team to the big game?” McNabb said. “The big game still is the NFC Championship Game, the game to lead you there, and most importantly of all, did he make the players around him better? In his time, in his era, was he a top-five, top-10 quarterback in the league?”

Okay, that’s more convenient, making the NFC Championship Game the “big game”. The Super Bowl is just the Pro Bowl play-in game at this point, so what matters is the conference championship. That must be why Jim Kelly is in the Hall of Fame. He sucked at winning Super Bowls, but they don’t matter. He was, however, awesome at winning the AFC Championship, and that’s the “big game”. But if that is the argument, it’s pretty weak, because McNabb was 1-4 in his big games.

I want to be fair, though. First, since McNabb invoked Manning and Marino as examples, let’s compare this trio.

Passing Yards

2. Dan Marino – 61,361
3. Peyton Manning – 54,828
17. Donovan McNabb – 37,276 yards (ahead of Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Jim Kelly, and Sonny Jurgensen, but behind Drew Bledsoe, Kerry Collins and Dave Krieg)

Passing Touchdowns

2. Dan Marino – 420
3. Peyton Manning – 399
21. Donovan McNabb – 234 (behind almost every HOF QB, ahead of Steve Young, Terry Bradshaw and Y.A. Tittle)

Completed Passes

2. Dan Marino – 4,967
3. Peyton manning – 4,682
14. Donovan McNabb – 3,170 (ahead of Troy Aikman, Jim Kelly, Johnny Unitas and Steve Young, but behind Drew Bledsoe, Vinny Testaverde and Kerry Collins)

But McNabb also had a pretty solid rushing game, so let’s take that into consideration as well. He was obviously clearly better than Marino and Manning at running.

Rushing Yards

6th – 3,459 rushing yards, 29 rushing TDs (95 fumbles) (behind Mike Vick, Randall Cunningham, Steve Young, Fran Tarkenton and Steve McNair, and ahead of John Elway)

I also want to point out that in 13 seasons, the guy only started every regular season game 4 times. I know people will argue that it’s an irrelevant point, but it just really jumps out at me.

Now let’s go back and visit those 5 “big games” that McNabb led his Philadelphia Eagles to. As previously stated, McNabb was 1-4 in NFC Championship Games in his career. Can we blame him for his performances in those 4 losses?

2008 NFC Championship Game – 28/47, 375 yards, 3 TD/1 INT (Arizona 32, Philly 25)
2003 NFC Championship Game – 10/22, 100 yards, 3 INT (Carolina 14, Philly 3)
2002 NFC Championship Game – 26/49, 243 yards, 1 INT (Tampa Bay 27, Philly 10)
2001 NFC Championship Game – 18/30, 171 yards, 1 TD/1 INT (St. Louis 29, Philly 24)

This is debatable, but without actually going back and re-watching these games – I ain’t making John Clayton green – I’m pinning 3 of those losses on McNabb’s poor play. I’m willing to bet that a lot of Eagles fans will agree. But what about that Super Bowl?

Super Bowl XXXIX (2004) – 30/51, 357 yards, 3 TD/3 INT (New England 24, Philly 21)

That’s obviously not entirely McNabb’s fault. Sure, those 3 picks sucked as much as anyone could suck, but some blame has to fall on the defense. Either way, McNabb certainly has a case for the Hall, but I say no. And my basis for that is the 3 seasons that I had him as a fantasy QB and I didn’t win once.

I know, it’s baffling that I don’t have an actual vote.

If you had a chance to catch Saturday Night Live this weekend, then I’m sure you noticed the Jay Z parody sketch that would have been funny 3 years ago same cutting edge humor that New York’s finest always deliver. Tucked away in the first hour of this week’s show was the host card for the next episode on May 5, and the honor of awkwardly attempting to deliver Gilly sketch lines from a cue card is New York Giants quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. It’s like a gift from the gods of unintentional comedy.

Back in February, we mentioned that Green Bay Packers QB and guy I’d like to be best friends with Aaron Rodgers was in consideration for hosting duties, but apparently the Discount Double Check is just too fresh in our minds to parody right now. Instead, the SNL writing team can work with seasoned material like Manning’s proud daddy or how he helped win Super Bowl XLII.

Eli will, of course, be held to the standard set by his big brother Peyton Manning, who delivered undoubtedly the best hosting performance by an athlete in the show’s history. And that praise only comes for one reason – the United Way sketch.

So now thanks to SNL, every knob job sports writer and First Take guest is going to have a throbbing 4-inch erection over a new reason to compare Eli and Peyton, so we all have that to look forward to. But I have gut feeling that Eli’s – and pretty much any athlete you want to shove into 30 Rock – show is going to look more like this…

FACT: Channing Tatum playing Tom Brady is more convincing than Tom Brady playing Tom Brady.

(As always, a million apologies to our foreign readers shackled by Hulu’s xenophobic oppression.)

As we’ve discussed in the past, you can’t have much of a conversation about recent New York Jets acquisition Tim Tebow without religion being mentioned. Whether it’s our juvenile jokes or the fiery rages of cable news debate, Tebow’s No. 1 claim to fame isn’t that he’s a former Heisman Trophy winner and BCS champion quarterback, but that he really loves God.

So it goes without saying that certain religious figures would list Tebow as their favorite athlete, and that seems to be the case with televangelist Pat Robertson, who took time out from spreading the gospel to complain about the Denver Broncos giving up on Tebow for that washed up bum, Peyton Manning.

“I think the Denver Broncos treated him shabbily. He won seven games. He brought them into the playoffs, for heaven sakes. I mean, they were a nothing team. He rallied them together with spectacular last-minute passes and, you know, when they beat Buffalo — I mean, Pittsburgh — it was a tremendous victory.”

Buffalo in the playoffs? Now I know that you’re just a senile old coot.

“And you just ask yourself, OK, Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.”

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with what Robertson said, really, because it actually seems like common sense commentary – “If Manning gets injured, the Broncos have nothing.” Unfortunately, common sense doesn’t make good headlines. In fact, it’s a lot more fun if you take what Robertson said – that if Manning gets injured, maybe Denver deserves to be screwed – and make it much more scandalous.

The USA Today, Fox Sports, PFT and other news outlets have all used bits of innuendo and incendiary language like “Karma” and “Wishes injury” as if Robertson is sitting in a chair at Sunny Acres with a Manning voodoo doll. But my “Out of Context Headline of the Day” goes to The Raw Story for this gem:

“Pat Robertson: Manning deserves to get hurt after Tebow trade“

Oh Internet “journalism” don’t ever change. I think it’s also important to mention that Robertson’s latest cause is legalizing marijuana, so nobody should act too concerned about this guy having crazy ideas.

LOOK AT BANNER, TEBOW!

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Links

The Craziest 10 Minutes In NFL History - This is about Joe Theismann’s leg breaking and all the gross replays, isn’t it? [Smoking Section]

Jennifer Lawrence Hurls A Bucket Of KFC Fried Chicken At A Basketball Hoop - Technically sports related! Also, possibly racist? [Buzzfeed]

6 Actors Who Played the Exact Same Role in Two Very Different Franchises - Chris Paul should be on this list. So should Ryan Gosling in ‘Drive’ and ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’. [Unreality]

Old Dirty Bastard biopic to star Omar from The Wire - Hey! Dirt-ay! Baby I got your honey (Nut Cheerios) don’t you worry! [Film Drunk]

‘Let Me Tweet That For You’ Will Be Your Favorite Thing On The Internet For The Next Five Minutes - This is one of those masterful moments of technology where you get excited to find it, then have absolutely nothing to use it for. Like Hypercolor. [UPROXX]

Will Ferrell Discusses Butt Sex, Demonstrates Dog Training Skills On Conan - Casa De Mi Padre was really funny, but the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking, “Man, I wish this was Black Dynamite“. [UPROXX]

This New Ending To Mass Effect 3 Explains Everything - Now I want to do one of these for The Blair Witch Project, just to put up a picture of the Blair Witch with THEY AIN’T EVEN SHOW THE BLAIR WITCH under it. [Gamma Squad]

The SF Giants Mascot Battle Royal, Or ‘Giant Seal Doesn’t Know How To Work’ - Reposting for posterity. Still the funniest and best thing to happen to me all week. [With Leather]

‘Mad Men’: The 8-Bit Choose Your Own Adventure Game - This needs to be more like the ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ NES game. I want to hop on one foot and punch Jimmy Barrett. [Warming Glow|]

13 Oddly Intelligent Instances Of Bathroom Graffiti - Saw one that said “yeah, but is it art?” inside a port-a-potty during SXSW. Didn’t know if it was talking about the pile of diapers or what. [HuffPost Comedy]

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Sloths - Thing 11: Sloths love Chunk. But maybe you knew that. [The FW]

Why Do the Sitcoms We Love Have So Little in Common with the Lives We Lead? - I don’t know what this article is talking about, when Zooey Deschanel broke up with the guy from Death Cab she moved into my apartment, and she and I and all our friends go on these wacky date-adventures that end with us being a little worse for wear, but better friends. [Pajiba]

"And this is the sound mah private plane makes... DERRRRRRRRP."

This might be my favorite story of the year so far. A Colorado man and Navy veteran passed away on Monday, and above all else he prided himself as a huge Denver Broncos fan. That’s important to note, because he went out with the coolest obituary opening I’ve ever read.

James H. “Jim” Driver, 78, of Eagle, Colo., formerly of Columbia, passed away Monday, March 19, 2012, at South Hampton Place in Columbia after a brief illness. An avid Broncos fan, he abhorred Manning and evidently wanted out before a deal was done. (Via The Columbia Daily Tribune)

Reading the rest of his obituary, Driver sounds like a pretty cool guy. He married a girl from St. Louis, lived in Florida and owned a pizza shop. He also donated his spare time to teaching kids how to ice skate – not my bag, but I like teaching kids how to curse – and helping animal shelters. It’s like he outlined the life I want to live, only to leave out the part about repopulating an entire of race of large-breasted alien women who look like Kate Upton but are all Siamese twins.

I may have never met Jim Driver, but I get the feeling I would have enjoyed watching a football game with him.

(Banner via Reuters, thanks to the Mighty Feklhr for the tip, H/T to Shutdown Corner.)

With Peyton Manning officially signed to a 5-year, $96 million deal to be the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, the Broncos are reportedly shopping Tebow for a third round draft pick, despite having originally drafted him in the first round. The rumor mill makes it seem as the frontrunners are the Jacksonville Jaguars – with owner Shad Kahn’s love of the Florida Gators legend and desire to fill seats – and the New York Jets – with their love of being in the spotlight and desire to fill the hole left by Brad Smith.

A decision is expected at some point today as to which team Tebow will be unceremoniously shipped off to, but there’s apparently another decision that needs to be made… involving Tebow’s heart. According to the NY Post, which really understands the important news, Tebow has wedged himself between Glee Star Dianna Agron and her boyfriend and apparent Disney cartoon character Sebastian Stan.

Tebow was spotted chatting with Agron at an Oscar party in late February.

Ooooh, they’re practically married already!

He was also seen days later on a date with Taylor Swift, although sources insist that — even though Swift appears to be sweet on Tebow — they are strictly friends.

The new split leaves the door open for Tebow to nab Agron. But the devout Christian quarterback has other things on his mind, such as his possible departure from the Broncos, who just signed Peyton Manning.

Tebow has been the focus of trade rumors with teams including the Jets, Miami Dolphins and Jacksonville Jaguars. Even Denver’s John Elway said, “Tim Tebow is a great kid. If I want someone to marry my daughter, it would be him.”

That is, of course, until Elway’s daughter complains that Tebow just can’t get it done on his own and she’s thankful that Von Miller and Matt Prater are able to come in and really pound away for the victory.

(Banner via Getty.)

And now, to cleanse your palate, here are 12 links about Peyton Manning.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

News Anchor Drops F-Bomb When She Hears That Peyton Manning Will Sign with Broncos - Not as funny as the eventual follow-up, “Tim Tebow drops f-bomb in church when he hears God has forsaken him”. [Brobible]

Careful What You Tebow For - When I Tebow, I like to Tebow for world peace. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Video: Tyler Honeycutt Baptizes Michael Beasley - I’m guessing this also has something to do with Tebow? [Smoking Section]

Best of Mechanical Bull Fails - I love that HuffPo thinks “not successful riding the mechanical bull until the end” is a “fail”. He slowly slid off! LOL! [HuffPost Comedy]

Everything These Drunken Dumbass Brothers Needed to Know About MMA They Learned From a Chuck Liddell Highlight - Advice: do not attempt to recreate anything you’ve ever seen in your own backyard. [Cage Potato]

Michael Bay says new TMNT will be “edgy, lovable, aliens” - Michael Bay’s only interpretation of science-fiction is “aliens”. He should remake the Twilight Zone and have ever ending just be “aliens”. [Film Drunk]

Our 30 Favorite Wondercon Cosplay Photos So Far - Every year they should retire one costume from cosplay rotation. This year it should be The Joker. Actually, that should’ve been every year for the past 20 years. [Gamma Squad]

Sofia Vergara Is the Deserved Cover Girl for the Sex Issue - At least in a still photo you can’t hear her yell “JYAYYYYYYY, JYAYYYYYYYY”. [Warming Glow]

The Best Of #Roger Sterling - “Being in blackface once, getting robbed once and emotionally harassing Joan all the time” memed onto a picture of him having a heart attack. [UPROXX]

UPROXX @ SXSW: A House For Lions, Youngblood Hawke And The Workaholics House Party - Or, “how I spent my Friday afternoon”. A very tight butthole gallery. In fact, the only loose butthole aspect of the day was the complete lack of Jillian. [UPROXX]

This Liquor Store Has The Best Signs - Finally, someone’s taken the concept of funny church signs and applied it to the secular world. [Buzzfeed]

Every Itchy & Scratchy From The Simpsons - 48 minutes of your time well spent, especially when it gets to the Poochie parts in the middle. [NextRound]

5 British Shows That Will Please the “Downton-Abbey” Loving Old Lady Within You - I was hoping “Oh Do Behave!” was on the list somewhere. [Pajiba]

It’s Twitter Official: Peyton Manning is about to become a Denver Bronco. In a related story, Tim Tebow is up Sh*t Creek and accidentally tossed his oar into the wilderness.

When God closes a door, he opens a window — now that the “WHERE WILL PEYTON MANNING GO? I BET IT’S HERE” story every city with a football team’s newspaper has been writing for the last month is dead, it will be replaced by “COULD TIM TEBOW END UP IN OUR CITY WITH A FOOTBALL TEAM?” Boston.com is already on it, projecting that Tebow will be traded to the Patriots, for some reason. He’s also being traded to Arizona, Miami, Jacksonville and any other regional website that needs page views.

More on the story as it develops, especially if it involves Tebow singing in the garden of Gethsemane.

And we’re off. Well, we’ve actually already been off, because teams have been re-signing their free agents for most of the day, but now we’re finally going to get down to business and watch our favorite NFL teams jump all over the cream of this offseason’s free agent crop, and everything begins with the quarterback questions. First up is Peyton Manning, obviously, because if I squint really hard I can make my Twitter feed look like Manning and Dwight Howard had a threeway with Fab Melo today.

The favorites would appear to be the Arizona Cardinals and the Denver Broncos, because we’ve been led to believe that those are the only teams that Manning has met with. But apparently that’s not true, according to a blog on the Palm Beach Post’s website today.

Word broke late Monday night that the Dolphins did, in fact, meet with Manning for about six hours on Monday, just like he met with the Broncos and Cardinals for six hours each over the weekend. But in an interesting twist, Manning didn’t visit with the Dolphins in South Florida, even though he has a home here. Instead, Manning secretly met with the Dolphins in Indianapolis, likely to avoid the intense media crush that is trying to follow Manning’s every move.

That’s not too surprising, as Manning said that he would speak with Dolphins officials after he said he didn’t need to, and he also agreed to meet with Tennessee Titans officials after it was reported that he wasn’t going to meet with any other teams. After all of this is over, I’m going to need a nice, long nap.

So what about the second best QB option in free agency? Haha, no I don’t mean Brady Quinn, you sillies. I’m talking about Matt Flynn, who is going to become a very wealthy man very soon despite only having played in two NFL games. Apparently the Dolphins, Cleveland Browns and Seattle Seahawks are the three favorites to go nuts over Flynn, which means Miami owner Stephen Ross is probably curled up in a ball freaking out right now. So which team has the best shot at Flynn? Maybe the Seahawks, if they can stop being bipolar.

There’s a pretty strong buzz the Seahawks are going to pursue Williams aggressively. Could be Seattle chases Flynn, too, seeing him as the answer to its need for a long-term quarterback. After all, Seattle general manager John Schneider worked in Green Bay when the Packers drafted Flynn. It’s also possible Seattle will decide the big-money, multiyear commitment Flynn is likely to receive is too much for a backup who has only two career starts. (Seattle Times)

Quick, here’s my impression of Flynn after he signs his new contract…

A lot of people seem to think that the Chicago Bears are ready to go crazy, spending wildly on receiver Vincent Jackson and DE Mario Williams, but they don’t need to on the former because they just traded for Brandon Marshall. As for the latter, there may not be as much money as expected.

When reports come out stating the Bears have close to $30 million to spend in free agency, the reality is they do not. The number gets driven down due to bonuses and escalators in contracts held by players currently on the roster. For example, maybe Jay Cutler gets a $200,000 bonus for completing 60 percent of his passes. That is a very reachable incentive and has to be factored into the $120.6 million cap figure, thus driving down what money the Bears would have available to spend. (CSN Chicago)

And that’s good news for the Washington Redskins, because despite having all of their cap space taken away by the NFL, they are still expected to do everything within their power to sign Jackson to make Robert Griffin III’s transition easier. That is, if they decide that’s more important than the dozen other holes they have.

The Redskins need help in many other areas, but the salary cap penalty could limit their options for upgrades at tackle, guard and defensive back. They also need to decide on a veteran quarterback to help tutor Griffin and possibly be the fill-in starter while the rookie learns the NFL ropes. (Hampton Roads)

Jackson’s stock is also sky-rocketing with the news that Steelers receiver and restricted free agent Mike Wallace was given a one-year offer by the Pittsburgh Steelers for less than $3 million. Obviously they can match any offers, but this is one hell of a ballsy move, dangling the fastest receiver in the league out there like that.

The Steelers offered Wallace a one-year contract worth $2.742 million, and they have the right to match any deal that another team dangles in front of the two-time, 1,000-yard receiver. If Wallace signs elsewhere, the Steelers receive that team’s first-round pick as compensation. (Boston Herald)

Jackson’s stock is also rising now that the New Orleans Saints locked Marques Colston into a 5-year deal worth $40 million. Too bad the Saints have a baker’s dozen of other free agents walking out the door.

Brees isn’t under contract with the Saints but he cannot test the market after being tagged as an exclusive franchise player. New Orleans now has 13 players set to become unrestricted free agents led by left guard Carl Nicks, wide receiver Robert Meachem and cornerback Tracy Porter. (Fox Sports)

Going back to the teams in the QB hunt, if the Denver Broncos end up winning the Manning sweepstakes – as I sort of predict, because I could still see him going back to Indianapolis after all of this nonsense – that means the Dolphins, Browns and Seahawks are left with the WalMart bargain bin of QBs to choose from, including their incumbent duds.

Who will jump on the “Plan B” quarterbacks?: Flynn and Manning seem to be the two big QB prizes on the market, but there is a grab bag of guys who you could consider the next level of available bodies. Included in that group are Chad Henne, Kyle Orton, Jason Campbell, Rex Grossman, Brady Quinn, Vince Young and others. Considering how many teams are unsatisfied with their current quarterback situations, the price might drive up on the best of that bunch. (SI.com)

There’s something about “Plan B” that just seems so fitting for those quarterbacks. Meanwhile, they could be joined by another Morning After QB if Arizona makes a decision to dive head first for Manning.

According to NFL rules, the Cardinals would have to release Kolb by 1 p.m. Friday. That’s the official deadline to remove someone from the roster by Saturday. the move has to be turned into the league office by then. No, it can’t be done at midnight on Friday.

So, the Cardinals, I assume, are hoping Peyton Manning makes a decision by 1 p.m. Friday. If he picks the Cardinals, the team likely will let Kolb go, saving itself from paying the bonus. If Manning choose another team by then, I expect the Cardinals to keep Kolb and pay the bonus. (AZCentral.com)

That’s just way too much to process right now. Hopefully this all plays out nice and quickly. Otherwise, I’m gonna need a keg or 12.