I’m usually not a big fan of the Bad Lip-Reading gag, but their take on the NFL is pretty funny. Highlights include Tom Brady being white, Matt Schaub’s pregnant cat and Peyton Manning’s speed potions. Good stuff. (via BlackSportsOnline)

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If the start of both football seasons has taught me anything, it’s that I am out of shape. I don’t mean my fat ass, because that’s an obvious statement. I mean my ability to day drink. Hoo boy, I am not 22-years old anymore, and that is just depressing. I actually found myself shaking my proverbial fist at college students this weekend for being too drunk. The hell is wrong with me?

Anyway, I can’t wait to lay on my couch and watch Peyton Manning and Eric Decker outscore Matt Ryan by 6 points. *crosses fingers, puts money in the collection dish and sacrifices 12 chickens to Cthulhu.

Monday Night Football: Denver Broncos at Atlanta Falcons – 8:30 PM ET on ESPN

A lot of people are writing this game off as no big deal for Manning, but I think every game is a big deal for ol’ forehead. For starters, this game is in a hostile atmosphere and should be a huge test to see if he can still duke it out against a high-powered offense. Obviously, it should help him a great deal that Brent Grimes is out for the season and the Falcons suck on Monday Night games, but for as much faith as I’ve put in Manning, I also love me some Matt Ryan, so here’s to hoping it’s an entertaining one.

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Proving once again that the Denver Broncos should have kept Tim Tebow instead of signing Peyton Manning, controversy is brewing in a Colorado town over kids wearing Manning’s bright orange No. 18 jersey to school. Officials from the Weld County School System are receiving criticism for their decision to ban Manning’s replica jersey from the halls of schools in cities like Greeley, because the No. 18 is affiliated with local gangs.

God help my collection of hilarious personalized jerseys if the Crips ever use the number 69.

A spokesperson for Weld County District 6 explained the policy has been around for more than three years and applies to the numbers 13, 14, 18, 31, 41 and 81.

“We’re Broncos fans ourselves; it has nothing to do with that. We’re just wanting to set a consistent solid, example,” said district spokesperson Roger Fiedler. (Via Fox News)

I tried to do some research and figure out why these particular numbers were so dangerous, because if Dan Brown has taught me anything, it’s that symbols are everywhere, man. So when I Googled “18” like I assume all numerologists would do when investigating something, I was very surprised at what I found…

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During this year’s Summer Olympics, NBC’s best play-by-play analyst was Retta, who plays Donna on ‘Parks And Recreation’. Her tweets about chocolate tumblers and the Olympics trying to break a bitch were amazing, and as sports bloggers it’s our duty to shine the spotlight on every legitimately hilarious person who touches sports.

Not only is Retta’s show one of the best on television right now, it’s also one of the most sports friendly. That makes it a perfect fit for Sports On TV, our column dedicated to the best sports moments of shows about something other than sports. This is the first still-on-the-air show we’ve attempted to cover, so if you’re reading this a year from now and are all, “HEY, WHERE’S THE EPISODE WHERE MCKAYLA MARONEY SHOWS UP AND ANDY WINS THE LONG JUMP” or whatever, give us a break, we aren’t time travelers.

With greatest possible love to Retta, Michael Shur, Greg Daniels and the rest of the talented people making my favorite 30 minutes of any given week, here are our 20 favorite sports moments from ‘Parks And Recreation’. I don’t know what this is, but I want you to read all of it.

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Back before the sports news world was dominated by stories about how stupid the Orlando Magic is for not giving Dwight Howard to the Brooklyn Nets or how everyone should love and worship LeBron James now because he won the NBA Championship or how something called the Summer Olympics is about to happen, there was the NFL, which also had news. Chief among that news was Peyton Manning’s free agency, an occurrence that we never thought would happen.

But sure enough, it did and Manning, who said from the beginning that it was never about money, signed a 5-year deal worth $96 million with the Denver Broncos. So what do you do with that much money? You buy a $5 million home in your new town. And don’t worry, Manning will never have a shortage of places to poop.

Manning purchased the home for $4,575,000. The home was originally listed in March 2011 at $5.25 million.

Manning’s new home, according to the listing through Fuller Sotheby’s International Realty, is more than 16,000 square feet and sits on 3.37 acres. It includes seven bathrooms, separate media and billiard rooms, a “safe” room and an elevator. (Via the Denver Post)

Seven bathrooms. What do you even do with that? I like to think I’d be like my dog, who likes to poop in three different spots every time I take her out. I’d just pinch it off and run from bathroom to bathroom until I’m done.

Ah, back to the good jokes.

I don’t know about you hard-working folks, but when I hear that Forbes has released its list of the 100 Highest Paid Athletes, it might as well be Christmas morning to me. After all, nothing makes me happier than the success of a person who was given a gift by the gods. Well, that’s not entirely true. What makes me incredibly happy is when that person is also a total dick. Because if you’re talented and wealthy, what’s the point in caring what people think about you?

And hoo boy, this year’s Top 10 is chocked with some athletes that really don’t give a sh*t what people think about them. That’s not to say that these are all necessarily terrible human beings, but they’re definitely not universally beloved. For starters, did you know that the highest paid athlete of the past year currently lives in a prison cell?

Haha, life is fair!

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