In case you'd forgotten, I'd like to remind you that you're not some horribly awkward-looking British man who looks like a science experiment that mixed the DNA of Prince William, Hugh Grant, and Manute Bol.  Because if you were, you'd be pro soccer player Peter Crouch, carrying around a fancy man-purse and dating Abigail Clancey. 

"La dee dah, I carry a purse and date lingerie models, I'm so great!"  Oh yeah?  Well, two can play at this game, Crouch.  No one but no one carries around a purse like me!  Call me, ladies!

[Kickette] 

Oh yes. 

Sweet merciful Jebus am I glad England missed the cut for Euro 2008.  Otherwise Peter Crouch's girlfriend Abbey Clancy wouldn't be naked in the Caribbean (NSFW).

Soccer's European Championships begin this weekend (I think — there's a T&A-heavy preview here), and the Brits are taking the opportunity to sob in their tea because their national wankers didn't make the cut.  The national wankers, meanwhile, are taking the opportunity to go on vacation.  Most notably, striker Peter Crouch went to the Caribbean with girlfriend Abigail Clancy, who you may remember from that time she wore a see-through dress or that time she frolicked on the beach or that time my boner tore through my underwear.  Oh, and get this:

The 22-year-old told Closer magazine: 'Going out with a footballer makes it tough to feel confident about yourself sometimes. Peter's body is perfect – he has an amazing six-pack and there's no fat on him at all.' In fact, Clancy can get so down about her figure, she makes sure she gives it a good workout before the pair go on holiday. The 1.75m (5ft 9in) blonde revealed: 'Before I go, I'd like to tone up my legs, thighs and bum so they don't wobble when I'm on the beach.'

So Crouch, a scarecrow-lookin' dude who isn't particularly good at what he does, gets to date the lingerie model with low self-esteem.  If anyone needs me, I'll have my head in the oven.

[on 205th; Update - more at The Spoiler] 

Abigail Clancy — model, reality TV star, and girlfriend of England striker Peter Crouch — is goddam everywhere I look these days.  Except my basement.  No need to look for her there, law enforcement officials who may be reading this.

Here's a sneak preview of her in next month's FHM UK (super-high-res scans here) in which she kind of wears some things but not really.  And I guess they interviewed her, but I went ahead and cropped the words out of one of the scans because they got in the way of the picture.  Stupid words.  What did they ever do for me?

You can also watch a couple videos of Abbey prancing around and looking attractive in not many clothes at on 205th, while the other photo thumbnailed below is from Abbey's new ad campaign for Lynx (more at Kickette), which is British for Axe.  You know, the company that's like, "Shower and use deodorant and women will go crazy for you!"  Man, how do those ad wizards do it?

It's days like this I wish I worked in a nice, big corporate office.  Those kinds of places usually have quality color laser printers, which would come in handy for making a flipbook of Abi Clancy frolicking on the beach with her friends.  That flipbook alone would give me a better sex life than probably half the girls I've dated.  By which I mean one girl.

Why this chick is with a gawky mediocre soccer player like Peter Crouch remains a mystery.  Maybe she doesn't realize that she can have any sports blogger she wants.  Except me.  I don't date chicks with fat ankles.

[on 205th] 

As we all know, the most important job for women and the best role model a young girl can have is that of a lingerie model.  And Abigail Clancey — girlfriend of Liverpool's overrated 6-foot-7 striker Peter Crouch — is a lingerie model.  So ladies, be sure to accessorize your translucent little black dress with a leopard-print thong like Abi did at the Brit Awards.  It's the subtlest way to tell others that you're a jungle cat in bed, and much sexier than using eyeliner to draw whiskers and a cat's nose on your face.  Believe me, I've tried.  ROWR-ROWR!

Super-high-res available at sexy British lover Kickette. SEXY UPDATE: More pics at on 205th.