Newly minted Seattle Seahawk head coach Pete Carroll’s never ending tour of trying to be the zany coach every player is supposed to love continued this week as he used the old parlor trick retirement home facilitators use to thin out the herd by putting a fake snake in a water cooler then videotaping the subsequent reactions. Make sure to watch until the end where you can see a pissed off Matt Hasselbeck grab the offending plastic serpent by the neck as he searches for a perpetrator to murder. Spoilsport!

Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

The regime change in the athletic department at Southern Cal has already claimed its first victim, and he stands about 13 inches tall and is composed of solid bronze. No, it’s not Matt Leinart’s penis, but I like the way you’re thinking.

The University of Southern California will return the Heisman Trophy won by former star tailback Reggie Bush in 2005, incoming university president C.L. Max Nikias announced Tuesday.[..]

The Heisman Trophy Trust’s eight voting members will meet July 27 to determine what to do with Bush’s trophy. Members of the Trust declined comment on that meeting, and as of Tuesday afternoon they were still unaware of USC’s plans to return Bush’s Heisman. Whether such an unprecedented move will sway the Trust’s decision on Bush’s trophy remains to be seen. –Y! Sports.

Between new president Nikias and incoming AD Pat Haden, the school seems determined to put and end to what was jokingly called the last pro football team in Los Angeles, which is probably news to incoming football coach Lane Kiffin, who will have to deal with severe sanctions over the next two years. So even though the Trojans won’t be eligible to win the national championship for two years, they have a better chance than the 49ers do of winning the NFC West.

The University of Southern California football program is expected to receive a two-year postseason ban from the NCAA today, and the Trojans could also forfeit up to 20 scholarships and possibly some wins from previous seasons. College football’s governing body has been investigating allegations that a sports marketer provided rent-free housing for Reggie Bush and his family during his 2003-05 tenure at USC, an accusation that could cost Kim Kardashian’s former sugar daddy his Heisman Trophy. It’s almost as if – almost – that Pete Carroll saw this coming.

This is certainly a taxing situation for new USC coach Lane Kiffin, who is widely regarded as one of the most respected and honest coaches in college football*. Kiffin has fought considerably in his career to climb the coaching ladder** by working diligently in building strong winning records*** and establishing legacies at every stop along the way****. However, with only a two-year ban, Kiffin should have more than enough time to continue rebuilding and help return the Trojans to national title contention when the ban is lifted in 2012.

* Fart noise.
** Fallen ass backwards.
*** 12-21 career in college and NFL.
**** He’s marked for death in Tennessee.

Throw down the fiery thunder of justice, FOX Sports:

You want to punish USC, NCAA? You want to do something with some teeth that will keep programs from cheating? Force the school to give back its share of 2004 bowl money, TV revenue, and the dough made from merchandise and ticket sales. Force USC to open the 2004 books, and whatever the football team brought in, that’s the fine. If the season didn’t happen and the wins are vacated, then so should the revenue made off of them.

Haha, good one, Pete Fiutak.

The last time USC football received a punishment was in 2001, so the NCAA isn’t likely to slap the “repeat offender” tag on the Trojans. However, many see this “punishment” as too light and a slap on the wrist, but the current USC players are taking this very seriously. In fact, quarterback Matt Barkley is worried about the impact this will have on game attendance, so he is taking his efforts to Twitter, where he responded to the NCAA suspension by tweeting at Taylor Swift to attend a USC game.

Matt Leinart immediately called sloppy seconds.

UPDATE: Del Rio apparently is staying in Jacksonville. Until he gets fired next year, at least…

The former Southern Cal linebacker has about 15 million reasons to scoff at Southern Cal’s head coaching vacancy. That’s the amount of the buyout (over three years) from his contract with the Jacksonville Jaguars, who finished 7-9 this year in a fairly competitive AFC South division. But the Turds In Teal only won lost five of their last six, and Del Rio was thought to be interviewing for his job this week, despite the hefty price tag. Turns out that he was–in LA.

Of course, Del Rio will deny everything until the ink on his deal with Southern Cal is dry, and that’s fine. Everyone can get all worked up about how dishonest it is to lie about taking a job when you already have one, but that’s the game. Because saying that you’re going to leave one job without having another one locked down is stupid. Do we really expect these guys–who earn their keep by outsmarting the opposition–to do anything less?

Now, why Del Rio would skip out on $15 million for a Pac-10 program that’s about to be fist-fugged by the NCAA is anyone’s guess. Yes, it’s his alma mater, and even if it came under sanctions, it’s easily one of the ten best jobs in college football. Just don’t expect him to spell out his intentions to anyone with a tape recorder. That’s not the way that this game is played.

Charlie Weis may or may not have been taking a shot a current Southern Cal coach Pete Carroll when he dropped this little gem about his relationship with the media, as quoted by the probably-not-all-that-reliable IrishIllustrated.com:

“Let me ask you this question: You guys know about things that go on in different places. Was I living with a grad student in Malibu, or was I living with my wife in my house? You could bet that if I were living with a grad student here in South Bend, it would be national news. He’s doing it in Malibu and it’s not national news. What’s the difference? I don’t understand. Why is it okay for one guy to do things like that, but for me, I’m scrutinized when I swear. I’m sorry for swearing; absolve my sins.”

The LA Times caught up with Weis (which was pretty easy, since he’s large and slow) and he “clarified” his comments. How great would it be to just “clarify” anything you might have said in a given day. Honey, I want to clarify what I said about you being a total limp fish and bed and how I wanted to go down on your sister.

“What we were talking about was how the rumor mill can affect people’s lives. When I was asked a specific question like that, I responded like, ‘This is the same crap that I’m talking about.’

So in closing, Charlie Weis is allegedly not getting laid at all. That’s what this said, right?

Arrogant play-calling? Misuse of talent? Unqualified coaching staff? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? No, these weren’t the barbs directed at Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel. They’re talking about Southern Cal dude-in-chief Pete Carroll. The man who brought 1.5 national championships to LA is now under fire on the internets for dropping his team’s Pac-10 opener to Washington.

The old Pete Carroll is back…Not the guy that put together the best coaching staff in college football. It’s the guy that was run out of town on a rail at New England. He took a team that had gone to the Super Bowl and did nothing with them and drove all the fans crazy.

Now, he has the most talent of any team in the country, and he keeps dropping games to UCLA, Oregon State, Stanford, and now Washington. I can see this team losing 4 games this year. The old Pete is back. via, via.

At the center of the discussion was a late-first-half call by Pete Carroll to run for a first down on 3rd-and-1 with his team in field goal range and the clock winding down. They didn’t get the first and, with no timeouts, couldn’t get the field goal unit onto the field before the first half expired. But hey, look at him play the piano! Now if he could only get his black players to sit with his white players. Oh, and stop losing those easy conference games. That would be nice, too. vid.