You know how people often complain about PETA because its members seemingly spend more time putting naked Brooke Hogan in a cage, trying to convince sports teams to change their names, or chastising Chris Christie for killing a spider, when there are significantly more horrible things happening to animals around the world? Well, buckle up, because if PETA wanted a bold, new cause, I’ve got it for them.

Normally, if you had told me that you had a video of a bear and monkey racing on bicycles, I’d hug you and call you my new best friend. But when said video ends in absolute horror, like with the bear mauling the monkey, then I do not believe I would be as happy. In fact, I’d be downright upset. Probably upset enough that I’d invoke the assistance of PETA.

A video of such a monkey and bear bicycle race was posted to Live Leak on Sunday, and if you are easily upset by a bear attacking a monkey, I’d suggest not looking at this. But I know my audience, so here you go.

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"Quorn chicken has milk in it? What a CRUEL HOAX."

Here’s something important you should know about me: I’m a vegan.

Some of you know that. If I mention it in passing, I’m guaranteed at least five tweets and two sternly-worded e-mails about how a brief mention of my personal dietary choices equates to full-on BLOOD PROTEST, and how I need to stop trying to cram it down the readers’ throats. If you weren’t aware, that’s probably normal, because I don’t mention it much.

I have, however, sorta ended up as “the vegan” in the Notable Comedy Sports Blogs circle of friends. Almost everyone else who writes about sports is full-on Ron Swanson 24/7, so if, say, vegan chicken wings are mentioned by a sports guy, Cosby Sweaters will talk about how their “world is imploding” and CFB Section gets comments like “go throw red paint on someone wearing a fur coat … tree huggers.” It instantly turns normal people into Jim Belushi. I’m left here to kinda meekly say “those wings aren’t bad, because they aren’t really supposed to be chicken wings” and hope nobody throws a brick at my head.

The reason I bring this all up now is because Peta has launched a Manti Te’o ad campaign, and oh my God I want to hit them in the head with a brick.

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Matt Damon is currently in Mexico for production of his latest film, Elysium, in which he plays an ex-convict with a shaved head (what, I’m not on FilmDrunk’s dollar today), and he decided to go against every travel warning in North America and partake in some local cultures away from his highly-protected hotel suite. Seriously, I know Mexican people who won’t go to Mexico anymore, but Damon wants to party, so who’s going to tell him no?

Unfortunately, the cultural pastime in question was bullfighting, a controversial Latin American “sport” that pits a strangely dressed man with a red cape against a giant, pissed off bull that has already been wounded to make it easier for the dude in the bedazzled Capri pants to win. But while Mexicans love their bullfighting, us cultured folk here in the U.S. of A equally love passing judgment, and I assume that Damon has a huge heap of judgment coming his way.

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RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Well, happy belated birthday, Hulkster. Yesterday, Hulk “Terry Bollea” Hogan celebrated his 58th birthday in only the truest American fashion – with his 35-year old wife, Jennifer McDaniel Bollea Hogan, and naked pictures of his daughter. Dad was on hand when Brooke Hogan revealed the image of her new PETA ad, in which she’s naked in a dog cage.

*tears shirt open* RESIST THE EASY JOKES, BROTHER!

From there, the Hogans celebrated birthdaymania with a fancy cake, some awkward poses, and with a camera jammed in their faces. But that was all the fun they would have before Hogan’s old enemies would come back to haunt him. Namely the Ultimate Warrior, who released a special birthday greeting on his Facebook page.

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Hulk Hogan made an appearance on Richard Bacon’s BBC radio show yesterday via telephone, and I just don’t know why we don’t let the Hulkster have a bigger say in handling the world’s problems. Bacon (mmmmmm) asked Hulk for his opinion on the ongoing riots throughout England and the answer was simply perfect.

“You know, it doesn’t really matter if Hulk Hogan’s over there body slamming all the youth like I did Andre the Giant but, at the end of the day, we need to grab these kids, shake them, and say ‘Stop. Regroup. Just look at yourself in the mirror. Is this what you want the mirror image of your life to be? Is this what you want your destiny to be?”

“Now it’s time to change directions. Even if the state has to step in and really focus on getting these kids back on track. But, you know what? I will do anything because I love my UK Hulkamaniacs.”

(Listen for yourself after the jump, brothers!)

There you go, the Hulk will do anything. Seriously, he’ll do anything you need him to do. Have you seen his divorce settlement? The Hulkster will also celebrate his 58th birthday tomorrow with the unveiling of his daughter Brooke’s nude PETA ad. I hope you already had breakfast.

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Houston Texans cornerback Kareem Jackson is in some moral hot water this week, as his vacation to the Dominican Republic took a turn for the moronic after he Tweeted pictures of himself at a cockfight. While cockfighting is perfectly legal in the Dominican, that doesn’t relieve Jackson of the scrutiny he will face back here within the moral fabric of the U.S. of A. And he should be scrutinized because he’s a professional athlete, a prominent figure in his community, he makes more than $3 million a year (with more than $10 million of his contract guaranteed) and countless other athletes and celebrities have paved the way with their own forms of stupidity with animals. Has Richard Gere taught us nothing?

So what were the Tweets that have brought this attention to the guy who had 71 tackles and 2 interceptions in his rookie year for one of the NFL’s worst defenses?

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