Matt Damon Is The New Face Of Animal Abuse

11.22.11 Written by Burnsy

Matt Damon is currently in Mexico for production of his latest film, Elysium, in which he plays an ex-convict with a shaved head (what, I’m not on FilmDrunk’s dollar today), and he decided to go against every travel warning in North America and partake in some local cultures away from his highly-protected hotel suite. Seriously, I know Mexican people who won’t go to Mexico anymore, but Damon wants to party, so who’s going to tell him no?

Unfortunately, the cultural pastime in question was bullfighting, a controversial Latin American “sport” that pits a strangely dressed man with a red cape against a giant, pissed off bull that has already been wounded to make it easier for the dude in the bedazzled Capri pants to win. But while Mexicans love their bullfighting, us cultured folk here in the U.S. of A equally love passing judgment, and I assume that Damon has a huge heap of judgment coming his way.

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Happy 58th Birthday, Hulk Hogan! Now Here’s Your Naked Daughter

08.12.11 Written by Burnsy

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Well, happy belated birthday, Hulkster. Yesterday, Hulk “Terry Bollea” Hogan celebrated his 58th birthday in only the truest American fashion – with his 35-year old wife, Jennifer McDaniel Bollea Hogan, and naked pictures of his daughter. Dad was on hand when Brooke Hogan revealed the image of her new PETA ad, in which she’s naked in a dog cage.

*tears shirt open* RESIST THE EASY JOKES, BROTHER!

From there, the Hogans celebrated birthdaymania with a fancy cake, some awkward poses, and with a camera jammed in their faces. But that was all the fun they would have before Hogan’s old enemies would come back to haunt him. Namely the Ultimate Warrior, who released a special birthday greeting on his Facebook page.

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Hulk Hogan Weighed In On The UK Riots

08.10.11 Written by Burnsy

Hulk Hogan made an appearance on Richard Bacon’s BBC radio show yesterday via telephone, and I just don’t know why we don’t let the Hulkster have a bigger say in handling the world’s problems. Bacon (mmmmmm) asked Hulk for his opinion on the ongoing riots throughout England and the answer was simply perfect.

“You know, it doesn’t really matter if Hulk Hogan’s over there body slamming all the youth like I did Andre the Giant but, at the end of the day, we need to grab these kids, shake them, and say ‘Stop. Regroup. Just look at yourself in the mirror. Is this what you want the mirror image of your life to be? Is this what you want your destiny to be?”

“Now it’s time to change directions. Even if the state has to step in and really focus on getting these kids back on track. But, you know what? I will do anything because I love my UK Hulkamaniacs.”

(Listen for yourself after the jump, brothers!)

There you go, the Hulk will do anything. Seriously, he’ll do anything you need him to do. Have you seen his divorce settlement? The Hulkster will also celebrate his 58th birthday tomorrow with the unveiling of his daughter Brooke’s nude PETA ad. I hope you already had breakfast.

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Kareem Jackson Sure Hates Chickens

03.09.11 Written by Burnsy

Houston Texans cornerback Kareem Jackson is in some moral hot water this week, as his vacation to the Dominican Republic took a turn for the moronic after he Tweeted pictures of himself at a cockfight. While cockfighting is perfectly legal in the Dominican, that doesn’t relieve Jackson of the scrutiny he will face back here within the moral fabric of the U.S. of A. And he should be scrutinized because he’s a professional athlete, a prominent figure in his community, he makes more than $3 million a year (with more than $10 million of his contract guaranteed) and countless other athletes and celebrities have paved the way with their own forms of stupidity with animals. Has Richard Gere taught us nothing?

So what were the Tweets that have brought this attention to the guy who had 71 tackles and 2 interceptions in his rookie year for one of the NFL’s worst defenses?

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Tiger Woods Has A Mattress Ad

02.10.11 Written by Burnsy

The McCann Ad Agency in Mumbai recently released the above ad for Shivam handloom deep sleep mattresses, which shows a sleeping Tiger Woods dreaming of a bevy of provocatively dressed white women. There’s also an unconscious cameraman, which references Tiger hitting cameraman Mark Pain in the face with a chip shot at the 2010 Ryder Cup (which also gave us this famous image).

But this isn’t the first time that Tiger’s likeness has been used in clever marketing campaigns. Last year, PETA tried to capitalize on his sex scandal with a billboard emphasizing the importance of spaying and neutering pets near his home in Windermere, Florida. While that campaign was scrapped at the request of Tiger’s lawyers, a few others, including Shivam’s mattress ad, have made their way into the mainstream.

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PETA: Everyone’s Screwing The Fish

06.15.10 Written by Burnsy

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As the Florida Marlins continue to design the nuances and luxuries of their new $515 million Miami Ballpark, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have taken issue with the team’s decision to place two giant aquariums – featuring live exotic fish – behind home plate. In a letter to Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, PETA implores the Marlins to instead use artwork or technology to showcase ocean life. Perhaps a Snorks DVD box set would make our favorite tree-huggers happy.

The aquariums were announced last week, and they have been designed using high impact bullet-proof glass so that errant foul balls don’t lead to the fish being spilled into the stands or the field. PETA representatives insist that the strength of the glass isn’t the problem, as much as the unnatural environment that will surround them.

Tap on our glass casings to stir up terror, Miami Herald:

“Being exposed to the loud crowds, bright lights, and reverberations of a baseball stadium would be stressful and maddening for any large animals held captive in tanks that, to them, are like bathtubs,” wrote PETA executive vice president Tracy Reiman in the letter.

But PETA said the Marlins should explore alternatives, such as “artist-designed aquariums full of beautiful blown-glass animals,” “high-definition plasma screens showing underwater footage of sea animals,” and even “robotic fish that can ‘swim’ through water.”

Loud crowds. Marlins stadium. It’s clear that PETA has its pulse on the attendance figures of Major League Baseball these days. Reiman added that he hopes the Marlins leave these animals in the ocean “right where they belong.” As the Marlins currently have no intentions of changing their plans, Marlins President David Samson called the matter a philosophical issue, and stated that the animals they use will be treated great, possibly even better than those in the ocean.

And you know what, PETA? He might have a point.

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