Former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was convicted Saturday on 45 of 48 counts of sexual abuse, misconduct, and a variety of other terrible, despicable, and truly heinous charges, which means that, barring an appeal miracle, the 68-year old will rot in jail until the day that he dies. And from there he will be shuttled by a chariot of flaming skulls into the kingdom of Hell, where he will rot for eternity whilst a billion tortured souls take turns slapping him in the genitals with a cactus made of rusted nails.

Sandusky’s attorneys, who admitted that they wanted to quit before the trial began because they had no time to prepare, plan to appeal based on the grounds that the tapes that NBC submitted of Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas were misleading. Whatever. Appeal away. Because more victims will come forward, and Sandusky will just be missing out on some lovely song time at the prison.

Other prisoners were barred from communicating directly with Sandusky, but they could see him. And when the lights went out, inmates serenaded the disgraced coach with a famous line from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.”

“At night, we were singing ‘Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone,’ ” Josh said, adding that everyone knew who Sandusky was because inmates had access to television and newspapers. The jail can hold 349 inmates. (Via The Daily)

But don’t get too excited about that old wives tale that prisoners will gut him like a fish when he enters general population. Apparently prison justice isn’t how we’ve all dreamed.

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Obligatory With Leather women's volleyball image.

What started as a simple case of a pervert trying to get his freak on has turned into a life-ruining experience for one Seattle husband. Steven Meeks is facing one count of voyeurism after a girl on a high school volleyball team discovered a camera in the bathroom that her and her teammates were using during the night of a slumber party last November.

Even worse for Meeks is that his wife is the volleyball team’s coach, so I imagine she will be hiring a lawyer to bump, set and spike half of his assets in the near future. That is, unless she falls for his incredibly solid excuse.

Meeks told police that he placed the camera in the bathroom for his sexual gratification, according to probable cause documents. He said that his intentions were to spy on a female co-worker who he knew would be using the restroom on Monday, but he said he was aware of the slumber party and that the girls would be using the bathrooms.

(Via KIRO TV)

Man, this dude has got to be the biggest dipsh*t in the history of perverts. I can just picture the interrogation now:

Cop: “Let me get this straight, you scumbag – you not only set up the camera to spy on a female co-worker…”
Meeks: “Oh yeah.”
Cop: “But you also knew that a high school volleyball team would be using this bathroom, too?”
Meeks: “Oh, definitely. No doubt. So what now, do we high five?”

I don’t like to just regurgitate what I see on Deadspin, but this video of Erin Andrews shutting down a heckler by just sort of talking to him needs to be seen by as many people as possible. A spectator (identified as a “12yr old” by the video title, though he doesn’t sound incredibly 12) yells “I’m gonna watch your video tomorrow!” at her. Andrews, who is probably not totally okay yet with the fact that somebody secretly video taped her in her hotel room and posted it on the Internet, asks him what he said. He said “HEY CAN YOU SIGN MY BALL”. No, the part after that. Nothing? And then he learns a short, beautiful lesson about how to talk to people in real life.

I think this would be a great idea for a television show. Find people who talk sh** about celebrities on the Internet, then bring them out on a game show and award them for how much of it they can say to the celebrity’s face. Hopefully the producers can keep it to “I HATE YOUR MOVIES, KATIE HOLMES” and away from “I like you because of what a pervert did to you”.

Oh well, this insulting/insulted kid is still better than those little sea gulls yelling BALL, BALL, BALL at players every time they walk near the dugout.

61-year old Lakeland High School girls soccer coach Joseph Kovaleski has been arrested for repeatedly exposing his genitals and fondling himself in front of Burger King employees. Let’s see how gross this can get.

A restaurant employee contacted borough police several weeks ago with concerns about Mr. Kovaleski. She told police Mr. Kovaleski stopped there a few times a week around 7 a.m., pulled out his genitalia and would “continuously touch it” while seated at a booth and facing employees who were working behind the restaurant’s counter.

No word on whether or not “it” had grill lines.

Notes: If you coach high school gir’s soccer in a place called “Dickson City”, you should try not get in trouble for whipping out your dick, and the only time the phrase “he was playing with his junk at a Burger King” should be able to describe you is when you’ve gotten an especially sh**ty kid’s meal toy.

The employee called police at about 8:30 a.m. Sunday to report that he was in the restaurant touching himself. When approached by police, Mr. Kovaleski told them he does not wear underwear and because of that his genitals “could fall out.”

My question here is “fall out of what, exactly?” I’ve spent a large portion of my life wearing pants, and unless this guy’s cock is longer than his leg or possesses a mutant phasing ability, he should be able to keep it from “falling out” without the use of underwear. Also, this is the most “To Catch a Predator” “I was just coming over to talk to the 13-year old gay teen” excuse ever.

“He stated that Burger King isn’t a public place and that his genitals get itchy and he sometimes has to scratch them,” the affidavit said.

Hahaha wait, no, this is. Was he eating at a privatized Burger King? I think Coach Kovaleski’s excuse can be summed up as such: he was eating at the Burger King located inside of his house, and his business accidentally fell out. The Burger King has dirty floors, because I guess nobody knows where the Burger King exists and therefore cannot be employed to clean it, so his mess got messy and he needed to scratch it, because of the dust and irritation. As such, any people employed at this Super Secret Burger King might’ve seen him scratching his exposed, extremely long floor genitals and misconstrued it as an act of public masturbation. You know, when that is clearly not the case.

Additional notes: This confirms my teenage belief that anyone working a regular job at a public high school is a creep and should be investigated.

Additional additional note: lol, this f**king guy

[H/T Off the Bench]

That looker to the right is 50-year old Rafael Escamilla, a Florida resident who was recently on his way to Lewiston, Idaho to visit family, when he took a slight detour to jail. Escamilla was seated next to a 17-year old female high school cheerleader on his flight and she has accused him of masturbating next to her. Escamilla, however, denies the ludicrous charge, as he simply explained to authorities that he spilled Tobasco sauce in his lap and he was massaging and scratching his genitals because of the pain. Responded every other accused pervert on Earth, “Oh that’s a good one, bro.”

The girl reported that Escamilla whipped it out under his seatback tray and used one hand for his laptop computer and his other hand for his… itching. She then moved her seat and told another passenger that the guy sitting next to her had her “creeped” out. The passenger responded by masturbating, too. OK, not really, but wouldn’t that make an awesome “Twilight Zone” episode?

A little lower, Smoking Gun… no lower… LOWER… yeah, that’s the spot…

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Now I’m no expert judge of character by any means, but if a dude shows up at a high school volunteering to be a bowling coach, free of charge – well, there’s a pretty good chance that dude’s gonna end up being a perv. And so we go to Manhattan, Illinois, where 41-year old Edward R. Cetwinski was arrested after a female student reported having an affair with the ol’ three-holed ball coach. I just assumed that she was ratted out by her jealous classmates as she bragged, “Guess who’s nailing the bowling coach!”

The report was filed last week, leading to an immediate investigation of the grown man who was donating his spare time to teach high school kids how to bowl and, I’m guessing, how to grow a wicked goatee. However, people had become suspicious prior to her admittance, mainly because she kept bragging about picking up a 6-9 split. *bowtie spins, granny bowls*

Lay down the smooth game of a volunteer bowling coach, Herald-News Online:

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