“Don’t shave it, Keith!”

I don’t know if this is just my high school experience or what, but when a pair of cute teen girls tell you to do something, you should probably do it. This video (by way of Jason Against Speed at Sportress Of Blogitude, by way of the MLB Fan Cave) features an organized protest against New York Mets legend Keith Hernandez’s decision to (maybe) shave the iconic mustache that made him the American Mustache Institute’s Top Sports Mustache Of All-Time.

If you’d like to join in the protest, this is what you have to do: find a caterpillar, slaughter it, stick it to the end of a kebob skewer and hold it under your nose. Declare a la Spartacus that you are Keith Hernandez, and explain how stupid it’d be for you to change your grooming habits slightly after circa 40 years. It helps if you’re cute, a child, holding a dog or speaking with a heavy accent.

Check out the video below, and remember: you are Keith Hernandez. Don’t do it.

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Derek Holland was nothing more than just another Texas Rangers pitcher before he won our hearts during the 2011 World Series with his impression of Will Ferrell’s impression of legendary Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Caray. Some would say that he also showed that he’s a pretty good pitcher, too, but I was too busy watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. However, I’ll go back and check out my DVD to see if they have any highlights of Holland’s pitching.

Anywho, as we get ready to tip toe into Spring Training with pitchers and catchers reporting, Holland and his whispy perv-o mustache are back in our lives as he stopped by News 8 in Dallas to hang out with meteorologist Pete Delkus, as they delivered the local forecast last Friday. Holland, or “The Dutch Oven” as he’s awesomely known, studied communications at Wallace State Community College in Alabama, so if he hadn’t found success as an ace for a notoriously crappy pitching team, he always had his meteorology dreams to fall back on.

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From the criminally under-appreciated 12 Angry Mascots comes the next step in the Brian Wilson-style “turn relief pitchers into hilarious meta characters” thing we tried so desperately to do seven years ago with Cubs/everyone else reliever Kyle Farnsworth.

Watch in abject horror/amazement as downtrodden party-goers are visited by Milwaukee Brewers reliever John Axford, who uses an aerosol can to spray mustaches onto their faces while Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “Takin Care Of Business” plays in the background. It takes a weird turn near the end, but I don’t want to spoil it for you. I think my next major career goal is going to be “be the guy who gets to travel around the country making weird YouTube videos with baseball guys”. What, Jim Thome can dress like Paul Bunyan to sell Twins tickets but he’s too good to remake 5-minutes-to-all of The Searchers with me?

Secondary achievement of this video: now I know who John Axford is.

If you like that, click through and watch my favorite of their videos, because Jesus, more people need to make fun of the f**king Batting Stance Guy.

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This is one of the bigger stories of the day, you know, aside from the fact that the NFL starts tonight and Shakey hitting puberty: ESPN anchor Chris Berman has decided not to shave his upper lip. Personally, I love it. I’m of the mindset that if hair doesn’t grow on top of your head, you should grow it wherever you can. Lips, armpits. Wherever.

It won’t be long before some angry rights group comes out against mustaches, claiming that they’re oppressive against women or bad for the environment or cause cancer, so I say grow that sumb:tch out and showcase your manliness to the world. This might be the thing that gets me to fall in love with Berman all over again.

Or not.

via The Wiz Wit, Larry Brown Sports.

The long and winding road of Tom Porras came to its inevitable conclusion when the judge dismissed the sex-abuse charges against the former teacher and track coach.

The prosecution ran into trouble in January when Abrams threw out Porras' confessions to Scottsdale police that he had fondled and ejaculated on the student, whom he had invited to his home for an "athletic massage."

Amy Nguyen, Porras' attorney, said Scottsdale police had ignored his constitutional rights to remain silent and have an attorney present when they questioned him on April 26, the day he was arrested.

That's great for Tom.  He must feel extreme relief after this release.  And though his name is cleared, Porras may still have some difficulty getting another teaching gig.  So you know what that means: Porras Athletic Massage, Inc.  Just be wary of the massage oil.

(Thanks to debonair ladies' man Scott for the heads-up) 

From time to time I like to provide you, the reader, with updates on the case of Tom Porras, the high school track coach who invited one of his athletes, a 17-year-old girl, into his home, fondled her under the pretense of "athletic massage," then ejaculated on her, then told her his semen was massage oil.  Pretty awesome guy, right?

Well, good news if you like for sexual predators — and who doesn't? — because the judge ruled that his confession is inadmissible in court.

[Judge Helene Abrams] said that Scottsdale detectives ignored Porras' requests "at least three times" not to be questioned about the allegations… "The detectives did not scrupulously honor Mr. Porras' request to remain silent" Abrams wrote in her ruling. "They did not honor his request at all."

Other Porras requests not honored by the detectives include two-way mirrors for the girls locker room, high school girls who aren't so prude, and a Heath bar.  Oh, not that kind of Heath bar, this kind.