With the futures of the NFL and National Basketball Association in jeopardy, we’re facing a world that would only offer us one great sport in baseball. After that, we’re left with that one game with the sticks and that other one with no hands. Thankfully, the cultural evolutionists in Germany are keeping their legacy of insanity and the future of sports alive, as the country hosted the third annual Office Chair Championships over the weekend.

The big winner was Pierre Feller of Luxembourg, as he bested a field of over 50 competitors while setting a new course record. Feller completed the 200-meter course in just under 27 seconds while hitting a top speed of 35 kph. My math may be off, but I believe 200-meters is 6,000 miles and 35 kph is light speed.

So how did Pierre do it, The Local?

“His lying-down technique was sensational!” gushed organizer René Karg of Feller’s winning run, before pointing out the strict regulations in place for the third championship of its kind: the chairs are allowed to be fitted with inline-skate wheels and handles, but no kind of motorized aid is permitted.

“We check each chair in advance,” said Karg.

See that, Major League Baseball? They check each chair in advance so there are no PED scandals here. Finally, a clean sport that I can get behind. And I’m already on my way. My co-workers call my office chair “Skid Marks”. Then again, that might have something to do with my love of Mexican food.

Read the rest of this entry »

The United States Lawn Mower Racing Association is a real thing, and the 2011 STA-BIL Lawn and Garden Mower Racing Series is set to put its lever in the upright position, prime the engine and yank the cord this Saturday with the Potomac Speedway’s Mow Down Show Down. The Show Down is the first of 21 races in the STA-BIL series, and it features people racing lawn mowers at speeds as high as 50 mph. That’s right, even lawn mowers now drive faster than your grandmother.

Founded in 1992, the USLMRA is the largest sanctioned lawn mower racing organization in the U.S., with 50 chapters in 37 states overseeing 140 races, including the U.S. Open (*revs engine*). The “sport” originated in Britain in the 1970s, but like anything that makes British people happy, we stole it and commercialized it. The Revolutionary War will never end, wankers!

Read the rest of this entry »