By now, you’re probably aware that Mercedes signed With Leather’s 2011, 2012 (and pretty much every year beyond that until the end of time or she turns 30) Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton for its Super Bowl ad campaign, and today we’ve finally been gifted with a teaser ad. And right from the start, Mercedes grabs my attention, flips it over and shakes all of the money from its pockets with this disclaimer:

Of course, we’d be pretty shocked if a classy automobile manufacturer like Mercedes went the Carl’s Jr. route instead of bringing something a little more clever to the party. Needless to say, Mercedes had that in mind. Sorry to disappoint, fellas.

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Now that we’re in the summer’s sports lull – albeit a shortened lull, thanks to the Summer Olympics – people need to find whatever they can to complain about. For instance, I just started work on my first book, “Call Me Tired: One Man’s Plea To End Carly Rae Jepsen Parodies”, due out in paperback by September 2019. But it appears that the rest of the Internet is focusing its rage on Nike for the above t-shirt that it released for women, as a way to celebrate how awesome America’s female athletes were at the Olympics.

In case you missed the emasculating statistic, American women accounted for 58 of the country’s 104 overall medals and 29 of the 46 overall gold medals. Hence, gold digging. However, thanks to our society’s warming embrace of old, wealthy men marrying young, attractive women, this shirt is apparently a negative thing. Gee, I hope ABC News’ source of anger is well-qualified…

“Sort of undermines the strong woman image Nike has spent $$ to market,” said one Twitter user.

Coming tomorrow: My YouTube commenter breakdown of Nike’s “Gold Digging” commercial. (I really wish that existed.)

“Whoever thought a Nike t’shirt emblazoned with ‘GOLD DIGGING’ was a fitting tribute to female Olympians shuld be fired,” said another.

Why? Are all of the U.S. women’s athletes sleeping with billionaires and going on lavish shopping sprees before re-boarding their private helicopters and flying back to their yachts in St. Tropez? Because if they’re not, I think it’s a pretty clever play on words. But what the hell do I know?

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Heading into Monday night’s matchup with the Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees needed 305 passing yards to break Dan Marino’s single season passing record of 5,084 yards set back in 1984. Brees threw for 307 yards and now stands alone – for now, as Tom Brady is sniffing his tail – as the greatest single-season passer of all-time. But the difference between 1984 and 2011 is that now we love to take a huge dump all over a guy’s big moment.

Doing most of the dumping after the Saints’ 45-16 drubbing of the Falcons were the Falcons defensive players, who claim that Brees did the birds dirty by running up the score to get his record. You know, on Monday Night Football, in the Superdome, against the Saints’ bitter rivals, and on the biggest stage of their regular season. What a dick, right? That’s the way the sports media sees it, too, starting with CBS Sports’ Pete Prisco, who thinks Brees’ record will forever be tainted.

The way I see it, what should have been a truly special moment, something that should have happened in the context of the game, and made it tainted with questions.

It won’t overshadow what truly is a special record for one of the greatest passers of this generation, even ever, but it does take some of the gloss off of it.

At first I thought this was just the typical CBS Sports blogger trying to embrace the Skip Bayless contrarian role like Gregg Doyel has almost seemingly mastered, but then I searched a little more and discovered that the feeling is shared by others. Dump away, critics.

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Canadian surgeons are outraged (outrehged?) after medical officials in British Columbia, or the snoottier Columbia if you will, have ordered them to cease all loose talk during surgeries, especially that of hockey. It seems that patients have complained that B.C. doctors have been yapping about their favourite NHL teams while performing operations down at the medical centres, and with that I’m all out of lingual stereotypes.

According to the French Tribune…

Dr. Heidi Otter, Registrar of the province’s College of Physicians and Surgeons said that they have issued this advice post listening to a complaint of the patient, who said that his surgeon was discussing a hockey game with nurses while he was operating his eye. Dr. Otter has further marked that a reminder has been included in the quarterly report, which was posted on the licensing body’s website last December.

“In a patient-centred system, you first consider the patient. Some patients may want to hear their surgeon announce what is happening and other patients may not want to hear a word,” she said.

If you made it through that poorly translated mess, then you deserve your own Stanley Cup, but I won’t be too hard on the author, Annabel Tautou, because I’m going to assume she’s related to Audrey Tautou, who is rather magnifique, according to this renflement in my pantalon.

As for the point of this tale of Canadian intrigue, if I’m going under the knife and it makes the surgeon comfortable to talk about hockey, then by all means talk about hockey. If my surgeon wants to talk about hardcore goat-on-man pornography to avoid killing me then he can talk about it. Just don’t mind this erection, eh?