In today’s ADD social media news feed climate, even the biggest stories of the year can come and go in a matter of days. That’s why in the wake of Jason Collins, Manti T’eo, ESPN’s Tim Tebow love affair, Titus Young’s wild week, etc. etc., it feels to me like the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State scandal happened a decade ago. But it wasn’t even one year ago that Sandusky was found guilty of 45 of 48 charges in his sexual abuse trial, and there are still three former Penn State administrators awaiting their trials, despite their best efforts to have their cases tossed.

Naturally, the news still lingers in the hearts and minds of PSU alumni, students and football fans, so it makes sense that they would all still have many questions about how everything went down. And where there are questions, there are conspiracies like, say, Joe Paterno still being alive. At least that’s one man’s theory, according to a letter received by ESPN’s Bob Ley.

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I’m sure there’s other sports stuff going on, like that one legendary basketball player who got hurt or that expensive baseball pitcher who was beat up, but I’m a simple kind of fella and I can’t help but stop and point when I see something that’s reaaaaaaaaally stupid. And nothing tickles my fancy more than when people fall for fake Onion headlines.

In this case, the Onion article in question was “Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior Of Rutgers Basketball Coach” from April 3, and as you can see nobody reads anything but headlines anymore. I could try to write the most eloquent and thought-provoking piece ever written by man (key word is try, folks) and it could very well win every literary and journalistic prize in existence, but if I used a headline like “Doo doo smoothies 2-for-1 at IKEA cafeteria leads to pope’s resignation” at least 5 people would comment something like, “F*ck you, Obama!”

In conclusion, this is still the best thing ever produced by the Onion.

(H/T to Literally Unbelievable)

After a year of life-ruining scandal, a conviction on 45 counts of sexual abuse, a thousand ill-advised punchlines and too many fines and sanctions to remember, the victims of the Jerry Sandusky horror might be able to rest a little easier.

The sentencing on Sandusky’s convictions went down this morning, to the tune of at least 30 years in prison.

At 10:09 a.m., Sandusky stood at the front of the courtroom in a bright red jumpsuit with his back to his wife and four of his children. Judge John M. Cleland told the 68-year old that the sentence of at least 30 years, but not more than 60 years, meant he would be in prison “for the rest of your life.” Sandusky looked down for a moment, then back at the judge. The courtroom was quiet.

The sentencing took less than 90 minutes, but it provides yet another moment of closure for Sandusky’s victims, along with a community that has been stunned by one of the most devastating, high-profile scandals to hit higher education. (via Washington Post)

Just like the Penn State fines, this isn’t “enough,” it’s not “fair,” and it doesn’t make anything “right”. It’s not a happy moment to read about this guy being sentenced to 30-60 years in jail for the terrible things he did to people (and the terrible shockwaves he sent throughout an entire organization), much in the same way you shouldn’t pull that “HE’LL GET KILLED IN PRISON I BET HEH HEH” card. None of this is happy or funny. It’s sad, it never stops being stomach-turning, but at least justice is playing out in the way we kinda-sorta trust it will.

Jerry Sandusky is now an officially charged-and-sentenced child molester. The kind of guy who says this.

“A young man who was dramatic, a veteran accuser, and always sought attention, started everything. He was joined by a well-orchestrated effort of the media, investigators, the system, Penn State, psychologists, civil attorneys and other accusers. They won.”

One of the great sports wishes of my adulthood has been that stadiums and arenas stop playing Neil Diamond’s ‘Sweet Caroline’ all the time. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Following the sex scandal that forever turned Jerry Sandusky from an assistant coach into an expert on love and justice, Penn State’s coughing and slowly hitting the delete button on ‘Sweet Caroline’, because … well, you know.

Here’s one interesting (and probably quite smart) adjustment: Beaver Stadium will not play Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.”

According to the Altoona Mirror, university officials were concerned about the lyrics — “touching me, touching you” — and what it would look like for a stadium full of Penn State fans singing those words.

Hint: it wouldn’t look good. (via USA Today)

Child molestation anthems never stopped ‘Rock And Roll Part 2′ from being played all the time.

It’s still very hard to joke about Penn State. The trick isn’t to joke about what HAPPENED at Penn State or about the people affected, but to maybe start joking about the ridiculous crap that you don’t think about happening when you systematically abuse and cover up the abuse of children because football is more important than human lives … like how the parts of ‘Sweet Caroline’ nobody really cares about are gonna sound awful and ruin the parts we like to sing. Well, look on the bright side … I can think of at least one MC Hammer song that would make a fine replacement.

Oh, and regarding that whole “stadium full of Penn State fans singing happily about touching” thing …

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I had a lot of fun comparing the new Nebraksa Cornhuskers alternate uniforms to the jacket Kevin wears on ‘Captain N: The Game Master’, and Jesus, I wish I could have that kind of harmless fun with the announcement of Penn State Nittany Lions uniform changes. They’ve been in the news for a thing or two recently, and sadly none of it seems appropriate for me to type “do you remember this cartoon” alongside it.

Anyway, the two major changes are

1. Names on the backs of the jerseys
2. Special commemorative ribbons

Names are going on the jerseys for the hilarious reason of “holding each other accountable to uphold the traditions of Penn State football, both on and off the field”, a weird disconnect I’m not even sure my brain can process. I love the idea that if #14 wanted to do something reprehensible he’d go for it, then stop and go “oh wait, my shirt when I’m playing football says Jones on the back, people will know I’m Jones, maybe I shouldn’t”.

The ribbons thing is a little less funny.

When they take the field at Beaver Stadium for their 126th season, The Pennsylvania State University football team will wear uniforms featuring a blue ribbon to support all victims of child abuse. Also, for the first time, the names of each football player will adorn their jersey in recognition of their resolve and dedication to the team and the University.

“The Penn State community stands with all victims of child abuse,” said Acting Athletic Director David Joyner. “Coach Bill O’Brien and his football team made it clear they want to support victims and bring more awareness to this issue, which affects so many.”

“I’m proud that our players want to be part of the University’s efforts to help victims of child abuse,” O’Brien said. “We hope our fans join us in wearing blue ribbons to all Penn State home games. Together, we can make a difference in the lives of children everywhere.”

Or, more directly, “we hope our fans join us at all Penn State home games”. You know what’d be even better? If schools with programs that didn’t allow the systematic molestation of children wore ribbons. Maybe that’d be considered bragging. I’ve always been the guy who’d rather hear “don’t do drugs” from somebody who never did drugs than from someone who did them for years, got famous and then decided to warn me of their dangers.

Of course, the reality of the situation is that nothing can change what happened to those kids, and while I personally think it’s a little shifty, I can understand wanting to hold up a big sign that says “we swear we’re never doing this again”. That’s progress, in its own way. Who knows, maybe 10 years from now I’ll feel okay saying, “ha, look at those bright-ass white unis, they look like Brian from ‘Family Guy’”.

Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State defensive coach who at the very least showered with young boys, touched their legs in the showers because he’s just like Forrest Gump and ended a bunch of creepy voice mail messages with “there’s nothing really to hide” and “I love you”, thinks it’s “unjust” for PSU to be fined and punished simply because he molested boys there and everyone in charge of him covered it up to maintain the integrity of their football program.

Yes, folks, Jerry Sandusky is now a judge of what is and is not appropriate.

Attorney Joe Amendola told The Associated Press in a phone interview that Sandusky told him that even if people believe he is guilty of the crimes for which he was convicted in June, it would be “ridiculous” to think Penn State administrators engaged in a cover-up.

“He said, ‘To do what they’re doing to Penn State is so unjust,’” Amendola said. “He loves the program and he loves the university … He continues to believe that the truth will come out at some point, and that he’ll get another trial or another opportunity to establish his innocence.” (via ESPN College Football)

I don’t know what kind of crazy shit the human brain can do to itself, but if denial has a sound barrier, Jerry Sandusky just broke it. I guess it isn’t fair to expect a guy like this to be aware of what he’s done, or his lawyer to have even 1% of a normal human being’s integrity and skip the whole “ONE DAY we’ll find out what REALLY happened and YOU’LL ALL BE SORRY” gag.

If Penn State is sincerely worried about making it through this scandal and moving forward as a university, I’d like to recommend buying a gross of duct tape and using it to cover the entire head of Forrest Jerr, the Paterno Family and anyone else who feels the need to destructively add to this between now and infinity.