Earlier today, Burnsy sent me an e-mail that read “I suppose we should do something about this” and linked to the Lion Eyes transcript of Monday night’s phone interview between Bob Costas and Jerry Saundusky. As Burnsy had mentioned in his piece on the Penn State rioters, it’s hard to be a (mostly) conscionable sports comedy blog and find it in you to make jokes about a guy who allegedly gave blowjobs to little boys in the school showers. It’s not LeBron James losing pick-up basketball games to kids. It’s not even Xavier Nady having Crohn’s Disease. It’s one of the most legitimately disturbing, unnerving stories I’ve been alive and adult enough to understand in the world of sports, and no part of our job description reads “making sense of this”.

That being said, we should so something about it. If you haven’t read it, you should. Or you shouldn’t, I guess. I haven’t quite figured it out. It’s something you should know about, but shouldn’t have to hear about, if that makes sense. The only way I think I can share this without wanting to jump through my upstairs window is by Cracked-dot-comming the hell out of it and presenting to you some of the most cringeworthy, thankfully-out-of-context quotes from the conversation.

I’ve got to warn you, they’re not easy to read. They might make your stomach hurt, or worse, so reader discretion is advised.

1.

Costas: “Innocent? Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect?”

Sandusky: “Well I could say that, you know, I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their leg without intent of sexual contact. So if you look at it that way, there are things that would be accurate.”

If you look at it that way.

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We know, dude. Trust us, we know.

Sometimes I think that young people in the Third World look at America and they think, “Why can’t I have that?” And then on days like this, I assume they’re thinking, “What a bunch of pricks.” Last night was probably one of those times, as thousands of students and fans of Penn State University rioted through the streets of University Park, some in support of iconic football coach Joe Paterno, and others in support of the university’s sudden decision to fire JoePa after 45 years.

The Board of Trustees announced at a 10 p.m. press conference that Paterno’s employment would be terminated immediately, as opposed to yesterday’s reports that he would be allowed to resign at the end of the season. The termination comes, of course, after Paterno’s former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was revealed to have allegedly sexually abused young boys in Penn State athletic facilities. Paterno was admonished by investigators as having done everything necessary when accusations were first made in 2002; however, that has done nothing to quell the moral outrage.

As I stated yesterday, I will make no humor of or judgment toward this affair, but it’s worth pointing out how ludicrous the behavior was of those causing property damage to small businesses and the university last night. And of course it even reached the Occupy Wall Street people, because they really seem like the sporting bunch to me.

UPDATE: Now with more pictures of students tipping over a news van and with their faces clear as day so that people might identify them and put them in a jail cell of their own. As well as a few others of people generally supporting Paterno.

INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS UPDATE: Penn State rioters planked. Unreal.

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Obviously the general news media is in an uproar over the happenings at Penn State University this week, as longtime head coach Joe Paterno will retire at the end of this season thanks to no other choice from the school’s Board of Trustees, because his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky allegedly sexually abused children. It gets worse because these were kids that he was purportedly helping through his philanthropic endeavors, and it gets even worse because a witness reported encountering said sexual abuse at Penn State facilities.

The above image is a student gathering at Paterno’s house last night, as a hundred or so Nittany Lions fans showed up to support the embattled 84-year old. Many people have argued that they should have showed up to storm his castle gates, and I can understand the outrage. And that’s where our discussion is going to end today.

Being that this is primarily a sports humor blog, there aren’t really any jokes that I feel comfortable making about the sexual abuse of children. I also don’t feel like opening the doors to endless debates about why JoePa is a complete scumbag POS for knowingly allowing this behavior or why he still deserves to be loved and adored by the people and fans that appreciated the two national championships he won in 45 years because the police said that he did what he was legally obligated to do. Feel free to argue, though, I just don’t have much desire to stand on a soapbox and shake my fist in rage.

In the meantime, I had a once-in-a-lifetime sports collectible opportunity that I was going to recommend to our readers with deeper pockets, but unfortunately Sandusky’s 1986 National Championship ring has been removed from eBay. Presumably to be thrown into the fiery pits of Mordor.

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Penn State will wear “new” unis this fall, and as you can see from the images above, the changes are next to pointless. The only modification being made is that the trim on the sleeves and neck of the jerseys will be gone, leaving a bland base look with absolutely no detail whatsoever. Oh, except for the Nike swoosh. I’m sure Nike was just an innocent bystander in the whole thing and didn’t engineer this to sell more replica gear.

As if it wasn’t easy enough to recruit against the Big Ten, those schools in the south can now boast that their practice jerseys are even nicer than Penn State’s gameday apparel. It wasn’t enough that Penn State football has cold winters, no built-in TV market and a head coach that could die at any moment. No, they had to put themselves even farther in the hole. Next year they might even ban liquor and women from campus. Hey, look how well that works for BYU.

A Penn State fan dressed up as a Michigan fan (?) was assaulted by other Penn State fans (!) who couldn’t tell the difference. That’s not horribly impressive when you stop to consider that Penn State’s football team has spent the whole season beating themselves.

Police told the Centre Daily Times in State College that the man was attacked because the assailants believed he was a Michigan fan.

The man was treated at Mount Nittany Medical Center and was released, according to the report. Detroit News. Via Ted Williams Head

Join us next week when we discuss Wisconsin fans befriending Nebraska fans because their jerseys look exactly the same. Seriously, does everybody have to wear red? I mean, it worked so well for the British. Yep, that’s some Revolutionary War humor for you. It’s the best I can do with my laptop on the fritz.

So Nike made up these new Penn State shirts and suddenly all of the treehuggers are in an uproar because the front of the shirt kinda sorta resembles a cross. And I’m glad someone called them out on this, because if anyone has been peddling a Neo-conservative agenda for too long in this country, it’s Nike.

Michal Berns, a junior majoring in media law and policy, said she refused to buy the $15 shirt because of its religious connotations. “At first glance, you don’t necessarily think that’s what it looks like, but when you look at it more, it does look like a cross,” Berns told Foxnews.com. “That’s the reason I didn’t purchase it.”[..]

“Me personally, I’m not going to buy the shirts and I know others at [Penn State Hillel] who won’t, either.” –Fox News.

Lighten up, Mikey. Did you ever think that maybe they’re just paying homage to the Finnish? Plain white t-shirts suck anyway, so I’m glad that they at least decided to put a racing stripe on the front. The same stripe that one might find on Penn State’s helmets, no less. Besides, a prayer is the only shot that Penn State has at this point of reaching the BCS Title Game, which is still better than any hope Boise State has. Do I have to wait for some freak in Idaho to compare their blue turf to walking on water? Jesus… –Deadspin, Best Week Ever.