Honestly, finding out that Shaquille O’Neal plays “Police Officer” in Grown Ups 2 is as much as you should ever learn about Grown Ups 2. In a perfect world, you’re saying, “Grown Ups 2? I never saw Grown-Ups 1!” Yes, in a perfect world you call Grown Ups “Grown Ups 1.”

Anyway, descending quality of comedy magnate Adam Sandler went on Conan to discuss the underlying themes of Grown Ups 2 — spoiler alert: nutshots —
and told a thorough story about playing basketball with Shaq, then trying to see his penis. It’s a totally reasonable thing, I guess, and the story is pretty spectacular. I’m only disappointed that Shaq didn’t make Sandler do the Mer-Man cry while he looked at it.

Here’s the clip:

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OH GOD I JUST READ MY OWN HEADLINE

Ray Elbe — you may remember him from season 9 of ‘The Ultimate Fighter — suffered an injury that no man should have to suffer. If the headline didn’t make you gag and step away from the computer, here’s the nicest way I can put it … he was having sex with his girlfriend, slipped out of her as she was going up, then suffered the consequences as she was coming down. And by “consequences” I mean SHE BROKE HIS PENIS IN HALF.

“I ended up fracturing my penis bone … I tore the urinary tract, tore some membrane — as it happened you can imagine the shock and the horror that was going on,” Elbe said in the video. “I jumped up from the intimate moment, blood shooting out of my groin. I immediately tried to run to the shower, felt myself losing consciousness, tried to walk back to the bed at which point I collapsed, knocking myself out. I gave myself 10 stitches and fractured a couple teeth.”

Elbe wrote about the situation (pretty accurately described as “as close to death as you can come without dying”) on his blog, MagicalRay.com, and if there’s ever been a time to NOT end a sentence with LOL, it’s this one:

This is probably the worst nightmare you can think of. The biggest problem people suffering from this medical emergency encounter…is not immediately seeking medical attention … I hope my story helps someone with a similar injury in some way…as this experience is truly something you would never wish on anyone..lol

Nobody is laughing.

[h/t (or should that be a d/t?) to Larry Brown Sports]

Charles Barkley’s latest Weight Watchers has given hope to fat guys across the country … according to the narrator, you may gain an inch of penis length for every 35 pounds you use. It’s not a magical transfer system or anything, you just have less gunt covering your stuff so it looks bigger. Or, it’s magic, I don’t know how Weight Watchers works.

Charles doesn’t share any of that information. He just lists off euphemisms for penis. Johnson, willy, cyclops, Buster McThunderstick (?), they’re all here. It’s great and all, but I’m going to be pissed if there isn’t an extended cut where he gets to say all the ones he couldn’t say in a Weight Watchers commercial. Maybe it’s selfish, but Charles Barkley saying ‘f**kstick’ is on my bucket list. I also think they could’ve worked in a reference to the Five Buck Cock. It rocks, it rocks.

The clip (by way of our pals at Sportress) is below (get it).

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There is no way Family Feud wrote this question thinking nobody would say “penis”. Family Feud writes questions like NAME SOMETHING THAT RHYMES … WITH GENUS and tells Steve Harvey to act all exasperated. (via That NBA Lottery Pick)

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Links

The Best Of ‘Happy Endings’ #Penny Hartz — (Uproxx)

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Holy Crap, Miami Heat Porn Star Oral Celebration Actually Happened — (With Leather)

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Yes, You Care: Kim Kardashian In A Teeny Red Bikini — (Smoking Section)

Peter King Draws No Conclusions From The Preseason, Other Than The Ones He Does — (KSK)

8 Husband-Wife TV Arguments That Stung As Much As Your Own Parents Fighting — (Pajiba)

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