Pedro Martinez was apparently a guest of Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo’s boat, Nasty Hook, where Arroyo is residing over the course of spring training, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. And drinking on a boat is always fun; it’s like a big, white front porch that bobs in the water! And those sure are some pretty, self-respecting women on that boat. It’s too bad you can’t drown pubic lice.

|big ups to Busted Coverage, masters of the big blue watery road|

MLB – Joba Chamberlain made his highly awaited (by Yankee fan diptards) first start and it turned out to be nothing more than an extended relief appearance, as the animated (read: chest-thumping doucheface) hurler walked four and got his first career balk in 2 1/3 innings of work in a 9-3 loss to the Blue Jays…In other news relating to underperforming New York teams, Pedro Martinez returned to notch his first win of the season, allowing three runs in 6 innings of nothing to do with midgets and cockfighting. Boooo… Randy Johnson passes Roger Clemens to become 2nd on the all-time strikeout list, then cinches up his career loss total, giving up a homer to Ryan Braun en route to his second loss of the season…Erik Bedard continues his torrid campaign of highly compensated mediocrity for the Mariners as Joe Saunders get his AL-leading 9th win in an Angels 5-4 victory.

Women's College World Series – Arizona State beat Texas A&M to claim the national championship in a 11-0 nailbiter. I believe another undie run is in order.

French Open – Birfday boy Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic to meet in the semifinals, then once there, possibly play a match against one another. Ana Ivanovic to meet me in a fantasy rooftop restaurant where the dessert menu all comes served on her tits. Yeah, I need that to be interested in tennis. 

First things first: by popular demand (read: angry mob), I need to mention that Daisuke Matsuzaka earned the win against the Blue Jays last night despite letting them back into the game.  With the Sox leading 10-1 after five innings, Dice-K surrendered eight runs in the 6th.  But the Sox put three more on the board and went on to win 13-10, extending their AL East lead to seven games and improving their major league-best record to 83-55.

(Fun fact:  For those of you late to the show, when Matsuzaka was new to the American sports world, is was goddam impossible to find pictures of him on the Internet.  So I went searching for something else from Japan to accompany the Dice-K stories.  And it was either Yoko Matsugane or Hello Kitty.  I stand by my decision.)

Now, on to the actual big story from MLB last night: Pedro Martinez threw five effective innings in his first start in nearly a year, allowing three runs and getting the win against the Reds and perenially-overlooked Cy Young candidate Aaron Harang.  Um, I guess that's pretty much the entire story.  Man, baseball sure is exciting.

Other MLB scores: Ichiro hit a home run and notched his seventh straight 200-hit season as the Mariners ended a nine-game skid with a victory over Yanks, pulling within one game in the Wild Card standings.  Not that it matters: Horacio Ramirez still starts tonight… Carlos Zambrano sucked again, got booed, and now he's pissed at the fans or something.  "Boo hoo hoo, my life's so hard!  I won't even make $100 million over the next five years!"  Christ.  When does the NFL start again?

As some other folks noticed earlier in the week, a Florida woman was conned out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by a man who she thought was Pedro Martinez.

Rhonda Schroeder, 32, told prosecutors that she befriended a patient, Shirley Gordon, who introduced her to a man posing as the Mets ace. Schroeder said the impostor continued their romance through phone calls and text messages. He urged Schroeder to spend money on Gordon, including a $450,000 house, more than $150,000 in furniture and lawyers to defend her against a previous fraud charge, The St. Petersburg Times reported Sunday. He always promised to pay back the money… Prosecutor Beverly Andringa said she can't charge anyone with scamming Schroeder because the chiropractor damaged her credibility by testifying on Gordon's behalf at her fraud trial.

I think the lesson here is never do anything for anybody.  That, or don't be retarded.  Or maybe it's that God makes us all different, and that's okay.  Or that friendship is more important than being a successful model.  Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.

This should come as a surprise to precisely no one who has been awake during any part of a baseball season any time over the last three or four years, but Pedro Martinez is having trouble recovering from an injury and got rocked by the Atlanta Braves last night. Martinez gave up 7 runs in 2 2/3 innings and got pulled after the opposing pitcher clubbed an RBI double off him.

This is just depressing. Pedro was so brilliantly dominating for so long that to see him blubbering about another poor performance from his wet noodle of an arm is like watching a new porno from Jenna Jameson: it ends up being more disturbing than arousing, and you find yourself getting nostalgic for the artist's prime, before she went to lesbian scenes only, then retired, then un-retired, then went back to no-holds-barred filth.

Well, at least that's how I feel after I get done masturbating. I don't care if she's been ridden hard and put away wet, it's still fuckin' Jenna Jameson. Which is more than we can say about Pedro.

After their win last Thursday, the Mets had a magic number of one. Then they went to Pittsburgh and lost three straight games. Wait, did I miss something? Were they playing the Steelers? Because the Pirates couldn't beat a red-headed stepchild.

Apparently almost 35,000 people attended the last game of the series — that's over 90% full at PNC Park for a team that's 24 games below .500. On a Sunday afternoon in September. In other words, the Pirates should send a nice gift basket to the NFL for scheduling the Steelers for Monday night. Not no shitty gift basket, either. One of those nice ones with green apples and maybe some aged cheddar.

Oh, and Pedro Martinez cried after giving up five runs in three innings on Friday night. Way to rally the team, Ace. Pedro's leadership reminds me of FDR. Crippled.