I’ve never been much of a gambler, as I wisely invest my hard-earned money in booze and blackouts. But I do understand that when it comes to the biggest sporting events, gamblers will look to almost anyone or anything for a sign. Hell, not even two years ago we were going bonkers over Paul the Octopus, as he correctly picked Germany’s victory in seven World Cup matches. Alas, Paul’s power had limitations, and he died soon after. Hopefully, it was a delicious, fried and dipped in marinara death.

But fear not, people who depend on strange looking creatures to predict sporting event outcomes. Princess the Camel is here to help guide you now, and if you’re still looking for a sign in choosing a Super Bowl XLVI winner, look no more. Princess says the New York Giants are going to win.

Princess, the star of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51. (Via the Huffington Post)

Dear Fox Sports, think about that the next time you cut Frank Caliendo a check for a sh*tty impression and his thoughts on Jacksonville-Cleveland.

So how exactly does a camel make football predictions? Deliciously.

The Bactrian camel’s prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Zoo general manager John Bergmann places a cracker and writes the name of the competing teams on each hand. Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her pick. On Wednesday, she made her pick with no hesitation at all, predicting bad news for Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, even though the Las Vegas oddsmakers have New England favored by about 3 points.

Oddly enough, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has a similar method of choosing which porn star he’s going to sleep with. He holds one hand out in front of a group of girls and the first girl to eat the morning after pill out of it goes home with him. Haha, just kidding, he sleeps with all of them! Beat that, Jake Ballard.

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Surpassing capitalism, the Washington Monument, talkative taxi cab drivers, having the United States exist as something besides a nuclear wasteland and washing machines (they promote laziness and lingering bacteria) in this week’s edition of ‘stuff Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadeinejad hates’ is our old World Cup picking buddy Paul the Octopus, whose psychic abilities have pissed off the one who is still trying to convince us he knows how to make nuclear weapons.

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken a swipe at football-result predicting octopus Paul, labelling him a symbol of all that is wrong with the west.

Ahmadinejad has accused the octopus of spreading “western propaganda and superstition.”

“Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values,” he said. -Mirror News

You hear that guys? If we are to strive for human perfection we need to STOP GIVING THAT STUPID OCTOPUS PRESS! You’re holding us back as a race, Paul! If I had spent all of the time I used on reading about Paul’s predictions on exercise I could have done, like, 70 sit-ups. Those wily cephalopods are making me fat.

I imagine Ahmadenijad must’ve gotten his hands on a three-week-old edition of the New York Times, saw a psychic Paul story and thought, “You know who gets off scott free in life? THOSE DAMN OCTOPUS’S, that’s who! NOT ON MY WATCH! If I can’t effect the lives of western civilization I might as well scare the shit out of their pets!”

I can’t figure out why he’s so pissed at us. Maybe they can’t figure out how to set up their TiVo’s. I’m pretty sure if we sent him some of our greatest assets such as a case of Arizona Green Tea, John Stamos and Where in the World is Carmen San Diego DVD’s he’ll change his mind real quick.

Roberto Pettinato is the host of a show called “A Perfect World” in Argentina, and while I think that title would be more suited for a show about Brazilian models, Pettinato apparently used it as a platform to express his opinions on the 2010 World Cup tournament. While showing his support for the Argentina soccer team, the host showed that he’s a man who stands for two things – animal cruelty and 70-year old German stereotypes.

Discussing his country’s team’s loss to Germany, Pettinato pointed out that world famous psychic and With Leather gambling liaison Paul the Octopus had indeed predicted Germany to win this specific matchup. To show his respect, the host displayed a dead octopus, called him Paul, proclaimed him a Nazi, chopped his head off and pulverized him in a blender. Haha, soccer fans, don’t ever change!

I’ll have the calamari for an appetizer, The Sun:

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The sports world keeps taking hits today, as Paul the Octopus has announced his retirement from the World Cup prediction business. Paul will instead now shift his psychic abilities to other ventures, as his handlers will weigh a series of offers that the eight-armed prognosticator has received. The octopus was, of course, a perfect 8-for-8 in World Cup match picks, making him far more famous than any of his cousins currently performing in Japanese adult films.

According to CNN.com, the people at Oberhausen Sea Life Center in Germany, where Paul spends his days honing his craft, have discussed bringing in more of Paul’s kind to create an academy of psychic octopi, with Paul as the headmaster. The other option is to use him in commercials for a variety of goods. When asked what he wanted to do, Paul replied: “What every rich octopus wants to do – two chicks.”

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