When it took longer than an hour for President Barack Obama to take the podium last night to make the announcement that the U.S. had killed Osama Bin Laden, a little part of me was hoping that he was busy watching Khloe & Lamar and showing the CIA their next mission.

Miami Heat 99, Boston Celtics 90 (Series: 1-0 MIA)

Prior to last night’s Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals Semifinals, LeBron James said that this series with the Celtics is personal. I assume that means one of three things: 1) He still doesn’t appreciate Paul Pierce’s South beach talents Tweet from earlier this season; 2) He still doesn’t appreciate how Doc Rivers played his four All-Stars at one time as an assumed message that his team has a Big 4; 3) Delonte West needs to stop banging his mom.

Actually, we know that it’s a little bit of 1 and 2, and a whole bunch of 4) He’s tired of people telling him he can’t beat the Celtics… with a pinch of Delonte banging his mom. That’s why he lifted his team upon his shoulders, charged to the rim and then dished it off to Dwyane Wade, who scored 38 points to lead the Heat, while James Jones was huge with 25 off the bench. Jones also helped set the attitude early, as he provoked Pierce into his first technical foul, and then Pierce was ultimately ejected for a second technical after an altercation with Wade. Is there anyone in the NBA better at head games than Wade? I say no.

Fun note: Rivers was upset by the Heat’s style of play, calling it “chippy”, adding, “That ain’t physical.” And then Kevin Garnett slapped him in the nuts.

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Dunks are great. End of story. I could and have watched compilations on Youtube for what seems like hours. I realize the time I’ve wasted watching tall, strong men jamming a ball through a metal circle, and I don’t regret it at all. That being said, here’s an electrifying, mortifying, air-defying, superflying (what?) dunk to help your week start off right, featuring Paul Pierce of the Celtics.

Video after the jump.
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During Tuesday’s game against the Indiana Pacers, Paul Pierce of the Boston Celtics hustled for a loose ball but was unable to save it, landing in the crowd. He decided to reward himself for his unsuccessful hustle by taking a swig of a woman’s water bottle then immediately running down the court. What a lucky/grossed out lady!

I guess it goes to show what nice people live in Indiana. If you’re playing basketball and get really sweaty and smelly, they don’t mind if you jump on them, ruining their clothes, and take their water. How hospitable!

I like how the crowd jeered after Pierce drank that water but not loud enough that anyone would really care. I don’t even think they were saying “Boo,” but instead, “Ohhhhh that’s just not very nice Paul Pierceeee.”

Video after the jump.
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Following Paul Pierce's Game 1 heroics, in which he was carried by teammates off the court, then wheeled to the trainer's room before returning minutes later to knock down two game-changing 3s, MixMakers has designed a new Paul Pierce jersey for tonight's Game 3, when the Lakers will definitely win the game to get the series back within reach.

Is it particularly funny or clever?  Well, no, not really.  But it does allow me to address the NBA Finals without writing about Kobe Bryant.  And anyway, it's not like I'm some arbiter of funny or clever.  I only tell three jokes, people.  God knows why you keep coming back.  Oh yeah, the boobs.  Right.

In conclusion, Game 3, 9:00 Eastern tonight.  I will be at a Mexican restaurant, trying to determine which mixed drink is most refreshing when it's hotter than two cats fucking in a wool sock.  And you can bet your sweet A that I'm gonna need to conduct more research. 

[via The Sporting Blog] 

NBA — In a close and well-played Game 1, the Celtics pulled away in the second half to win 98-88.  Paul Pierce played the role of hero in the pivotal third quarter, shooting 5-5 from the field and scoring 15 points, including back-to-back 3-pointers that put the C's up 75-71 and gave them a lead they wouldn't relinquish.  He also had a knee injury that required his teammates to carry him off the court before he took a wheelchair to the trainer's room, worrying everyone in the Boston region until he dramatically returned and was… totally fine.  Ya know, you could've at least limped a little for us, Paul.  Makes it more believable.

MLB — Jason Giambi's walk-off homer rallies the Yankees to a 9-8 win over the BJs.  Congratulations, New York, you are now .500… A grown man named Chipper hit his 400th career home run and collected four hits to raise his season batting average to .418 as the Braves beat the Marlins 7-5… Coco Crisp charges the mound to start a brawl, and Manny Ramirez collected 5 RBIs and got into a dugout altercation with teammate Kevin Youkilis, but all the fighting was just so the Red Sox could stay interested in their 7-1 victory to complete a sweep of the Rays.

Tennis — Ana Ivanovic defeated the less-attractive Jelena Jankovic 6-4, 3-6, 6-4 to move to the French Open final and attain the world's #1 ranking to go with the #1 ranking she holds in my heart.  By which I mean, that's a sweet ass baby.  Hate to see you leave, love to watch you walk away.

NBA – The Celtics closed out the Cavs with a 97-92 Game 7 win.  LeBron finally had a LeBron game (45 points), but unfortunately for Cleveland fans, his teammates were still the Cavaliers.  Paul Pierce, playing the role of LeBron James's green-and-white foil, poured in 41 points, including the game-sealing free throws.

NHL – The Penguins closed out the Flyers with a 6-0 Game 5 blowout, granting the Pens their first Stanley Cup Finals appearance since I don't care.  They'll face Detroit in the Finals just as soon as the Red Wings finish toying with the Stars.

Horseys – At Saturday's Preakness, it looked like a close race until the final stretch began, at which point Big Brown blew the field away.  Margin of victory: 5¼ lengths, and it would have been more if jockey Kent Desormeaux hadn't let up.  According to my NO FEAR bumper sticker, Macho Again and Icabad Crane were the first and second losers.

Tennis – Rafael Nadal defeated Roger Federer 7-5, 6-7 (3), 6-3 to win the Hamburg Masters, the only major clay tournament that Nadal had yet to win.  Nadal is now 8-1 against Federer on clay, and 2-5 on other surfaces.  Other surfaces do not include water, the moon, or the long mahogany table at a board of investors meeting, though, so take that with a grain of salt.

MLB — Just three more months of playing games every single goddam day until pennant races heat up.  Let's see if I can wait to care a little longer.  Yup, I think I can.