Back in April I put up a video of Real Madrid winning the Copa del Rey, then promptly dropping and running over it with a double-decker bus. That’s the sort of mishap that mishappens once in a lifetime, right? Well, it turns out Real Madrid is really into committing vehicular manslaughter on the things they love, because now they’ve dropped a woman and run over her with a golf cart.

A rundown of events (cough) via Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle:

While the players were being transported around the [UCLA] campus, one female fan decided to bum-rush one of the moving carts. She apparently didn’t consider the science of what happens when a person runs directly into a moving golf cart, because she got run over. The cart stopped momentarily before zooming off on its merry way.

The best part is the Hit And Run, because the guy filming just sort of goes “heh” and everyone moves on with their lives. No additional information is known about the victim at this time, but I’ve got a couple of working theories:

1. The woman was trying to commit suicide in the most uptight, Caucasian way possible (via a golf cart carrying a soccer team on a California college campus).
2. The woman was simply blind and jogging in the wrong direction.
3. The woman is Kevin James, and this is one of 800 similar jokes in his next movie.

Regardless, this is the least alert soccer team of all time. I hope you guys never crash your plane in the Andes Mountains, you’ll be dead within 20 minutes.

Or as we would call it in the United States, “Man Getting Hit By Soccer”.

Witness the “not a moral Kick” that departed Chilean player Jorge Valdivia’s foot and reached its final destination somewhere between the balls of Uruguay’s Alvaro Gonzalez during Friday’s 1-1 draw. I’m not sure what was immoral about it, because it looked like an accident, or like Gonzalez stepped right into it to take the world’s most believable flop. Actually, it looks like something that would show up in Paul Blart: Soccer Player, so maybe he was aiming directly for the laughs.

Regardless, this man took a soccer ball to the junk, and that’s exactly the kind of thing the Internet exists for. I sure hope he was wearing a World Cup [editor's note: Brandon has been fired for making this joke]!

Compare and contrast with the original, as seen here:

Barney’s movie had heart, but Uruguay vs. Chile had a football in the groin.

[h/t Dirty Tackle]

I tried to find a picture of a bull standing triumphantly in the streets of Pamplona with a bunch of dead, trampled people and some destroyed buildings in the background, but apparently that never happens, and it’s just about 50,000 people herding an animal to a stadium where it’s stabbed in the neck repeatedly until it dies, and then a guy dressed like a figure skater celebrates like he accomplished something difficult.

Sports

Bulls on Parade: A Heartwarming Gallery from the 2011 Running of the Bulls - There’s a big post about this directly beneath me, but if you’re the type who clicks directly into these things and/or has problems with short-term memory loss, please revisit Friday’s gallery of drunk people, confetti showers and bulls about to stomp Spanish people to death. With Leather

The Hot Girl Swedish Sweater Swap - Another choice post from Friday that you might’ve missed is this one, which starts off as a “can ya believe this happened?” sort of deal and evolves into a hot girl gallery with a Swedish lady’s sweaty butt. And then it ends with a Parks and Rec joke. Basically it is the perfect way to spend 10 minutes. [With Leather]

Six People LeBron James Should Meet During the Lockout - I try to let others on the Uproxx network handle stories and editorials about LeBron, because mine are always the same. The first person I’d have him meet would be the Black Racer (from DC Comics, not from Kenya) and then the rest of the article would sort of build from that. [Smoking Section]

Not Sports

People Really Did Shut Up and Eat Their Awesome - Transformers 3: A Momentary Lapse of Reason brought in a record 999 billion dollars at the box office over the weekend, proving that we truly deserve every terrible movie some asshole spends 200 million to make. Lesson learned: People don’t want to see super heroes, they want to see blackface robots with big swinging robot balls. (note: The picture of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley featured is the best picture of her ever, because you can’t see most of her face) [Gamma Squad]

TV’s Most Memorable F-Words - Any list that features both “The Wire” and the British version of “The Office” is awesome. All it needs is an F-word from “The Wonder Years” and it’s covering the best shows ever. [Warming Glow]

10 Unfortunately Named Doctors - This is one of those things you don’t think you’re going to laugh at because, come on, you’re an adult. But then you see a guy named “Dr. Dooms” and start laughing, and pretty soon you’ve ready 45% of Buzzfeed and your Morning Links post is almost late. [Buzzfeed]

Paul Blart: Zookeeper Is the Kevin James Falling Downingest Film of the Summer - I’m happy Kevin James had a TV show for like 10 years so I can know for sure to avoid anything with Kevin James in it. You might be Paul Blart, but I’ll always remember you as the dormant homosexual who wanted to do it with Hitch. [Film Drunk]

If you don’t watch pro wrestling, you’re missing out on athletic moments like this, when a Hawaiian Tropic model jumps in the air and takes down one half of a set of twins with nothing but her crotch and gravity. Two other things you’re missing: fake fighting, and my weekly Best and Worst reports about Raw. This week’s was pretty good, and if I don’t shill it to people who don’t like wrestling, I’m never going to have someone get upset about my “Mark David Chapman shot on John Lennon” joke.

Sports

The Best and Worst of Raw: Power to the People - For those of you who read Best and Worst, I’m looking for some survey feedback. Should I do more of these? Cover Smackdown or maybe (gasp) Impact Wrestling presents IMPACT? Maybe Best and Worst of older shows? Would anybody read that? [With Leather]

Dana White Loves Sunglasses, Prince Valiant Haircuts - In the event that you hate wrestling too much to even laugh at it, here’s a bunch of pictures of the President of Ultimate Fighting Championship looking like a member of my family in 1978. [Cage Potato]

Vancouver Riots Kissing Couple on ‘The Today Show’ - If the Internet had been around 70 years ago, that kissing sailor would’ve been dissected for patriarchal normativism (or whatever) and put on every Flour Brand Presents Radio Hour in the country. I just wanted the guy to be like “I saw they was breaking stuff, and I just got so horny”. [Uproxx]

Jack McKeon is Old - He sure is! Read all about it! That old guy, I mean honestly! [Pineriders]

Not Sports

Christina Hendricks as Wonder Woman? - I hate to be the one to say it, but for as cool as Joan is, an nonathletic 36-year old with huge boobs is not the ideal Wonder Woman. At the same time, neither are those waifish plastic surgery cases like Megan Fox people are always suggesting. For once, give me a “butt kicking heroine” who actually looks and acts like she could kick someone’s butt. [Gamma Squad]

Insane Clown Posse Will Sue You If You Make Fun of Them - F**king litigation, how does it work? I’m surprised that anybody who booked Vampiro to wrestle at their clown-themed rap music soda convention for like ten years can do anything more complex than flail around in their own urine. [Uproxx]

This Week in Statutory Everything - Percy Wetmore from The Green Mile marries a pop singing 16-year old who looks like the hooker with the saggy boobs from “Futurama”. I mean, I believe she’s 16, I just don’t believe IT. [Warming Glow]

Paul Blart: Zookeeper Rocks the Rom-Com Lean - That lean is the number one way to keep me from seeing your movie. For about five years I thought Matthew McConaughey grew up in Yogi’s Cave and just walked around leaning like the Smooth Criminal all day. [Film Drunk]

These are the Lakers, right?

Sports

What’s Next For The Los Angeles Lakers? - This article is written from a serious point-of-view, so I’m gonna go ahead and say “Kardashians, break-ups with Kardashians, millions of dollars and nearly zero sense of failure or disappointment.” Yeah, that seems about right. Oh, and Kobe Bryan is going to start calling himself “Copperhead.” [Smoking Section]

Awkward Photo Steals Thunder From Dingus Willing To Pay Thousands To Lunch With PK - Any time somebody can successfully and contextually photoshop someone into Charlie Brown missing a punt, I’m putting their link here. Yep, canceling sports and starting a Peanuts blog. SLIDESHOW! The 86 Best Times Sally Had Hearts Around Her Head! [KSK]

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