"Where's Ben Wallace, String?"

HBO’s ‘The Wire’ is the best TV show ever made. There, I said it.

In 5 seasons over 60 episodes, David Simon’s law and streets epic was literature on television, an experience so dense and rewarding that it somehow managed to simultaneously depict life in Baltimore as realistic and hyper-romanticized. It’s one of those things you’ve either seen and worship, or have resisted all your friends screaming OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE WIRE NO SERIOUSLY BORROW MY DVDS AND WATCH IT for like ten years.

This week’s Sports On TV column is in reverence to this masterwork of Orioles jokes and cereal references, and my only real disclaimer is that there are tons and tons of spoilers inside, so it’ll work best if you’ve seen the entire run of the show. If you haven’t, you should still click through … out-of-context Wire quotes are like gold, glittery paint on the Internet and should be experienced.

And yes, I took notes on a criminal f**king conspiracy.

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Like many Americans of prudent judgment and sound mind, I will be rooting passionately against the Heat during this year’s NBA Finals, and thus for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Why, you ask? Because I have a memory longer than the 24-hour news cycle, that’s why.

We live in a contrarian society, one that argues, overanalyzes and debates ad nauseam. So as soon as it became too popular or mainstream to hate the Miami Heat and LeBron James for all their ills and faults (both real and received), a sort of counter-movement started, making the case that rooting for the Heat and for LeBron was okay. Because they’ve suffered defeat and struggle, the line of logic goes, they’ve now earned the right to succeed.

Let me be clear: it’s not, nor will it ever be okay, to root for LeBron and the Heat. They brought this scrutiny and loathing – all of it – upon themselves. They are the sports version of the antichrist and DEAR BABY JESUS, KEVIN DURANT IS OUR ONLY HOPE.

We’re not even two years removed from The Decision, LeBron’s one-hour television special when he metaphorically urinated on his pseudo-hometown of Cleveland, trotting out kids from the Boys & Girls Club as props to serve as cover. We’re not even two years removed from Miami’s post-Decision victory pageant, when LeBron promised “not four, not five, not six” championships. We’re not even a year removed from the post-NBA Finals press conference last year, when Bron Bron ranted and raved about how the little people needed to stop hating him and should get back to their peon lives.

And yet people like Jeff Van Gundy, the former basketball coach and current ESPN announcer, believe there should be a “statute of limitations for [Miami’s] stupidity,” as he recently suggested during a telecast.

Yes Jeff, there is a statute of limitations for stupidity. It’s there for all of us. It’s called death.

So here are 11 reminders why rooting against the Miami Heat is and always will be the socially just and morally sound thing to do. The concept of hate in list form isn’t new, but it’s needed now more than ever. And why 11? Nigel Tufnel, the lead guitarist of the rock band Spinal Tap, understands.

Admittedly, this will be quite difficult without once using the word that begins with a “D” and rhymes with “moosh.” But I will do it for my wayward countrymen who don’t comprehend what is at stake here.

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If the Cubs ever win the World Series, it’s just gonna be a year full of sh*t like this. (by way of Outside The Boxscore)

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Links

Death, Redemption, & Kisses in the Rain: Plot of The Lucky One Recreated with Reviews |Film Drunk|

How To Survive At Coachella, As Told By Miss Info, A-Trak & Childish Gambino |Smoking Section|

Meme Watch: Inappropriate Timing Bill Clinton Is Here To Liven Up This Boring @ss Press Conference |UPROXX|

UFC 145: Jones VS. Evans Official Live Thread |With Leather|

A Mini-Rant: What the Hell Happened to ‘The Office’? |Warming Glow|

Guy Who’s Better At Zelda Than You Beats Ocarina of Time in 23 Minutes |Gamma Squad|

A Man Dares To Dream, Orders Burger With 1050 Bacon Strips From Burger King |UPROXX|

Suge Knight: Tupac May Still Be Alive |UPROXX|

77-Year-Old Man Sucks Cancer From T*ttyballs, Rides Scooter, Gives No F***s, Goes To Jail |Smoking Section|

Two New Clips from Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom |Film Drunk|

25 Better Portraits For Carmelo Anthony’s New York City Apartment |With Leather|

Rosario Dawson, Mickey Rourke, and Michael Madsen Returning To Sin City |Gamma Squad|

Corgi Friday: The Best of Lawyer Dog |Warming Glow|

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This makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and shout-sing DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

10 Athletes Who Would Have Been Greater If They Listened To Kenny F*cking Powers - If you missed this yesterday, kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. (but no, seriously, read it) [With Leather]

10 Celebrities Who Look Like Abandoned Mattresses - Somehow this may be the greatest meme in Internet history, simply for how accurate it is. Poor January Jones. [UPROXX]

Madonna Joins Twitter For A Day, Flirts With Deadmau5 - Prince should join Twitter, he should have a midi of one keyboard note playing in the background and every tweet should be the continuation of the same non-stop sentence. [UPROXX]

5 Directions Medicine Can Go In Now That Cancer Is Toast - More stuff that gives 70-year olds boners, please! [Gamma Squad]

Quick Hits: Verdicts and Renewal Odds on 5 New Television Series - Everything on CBS: loved and renewed. Everything on NBC: good stuff canceled, stuff that looks like it should be on CBS renewed. [Warming Glow]

Hunger Games Review: The Future is Blurry - I sure am excited to keep hearing people talk about this movie when I’m in line at the grocery store. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Who’s Copping The Air Yeezy 2? - I don’t know what that means. [Smoking Section]

20 Supporting Actors From ’90s TV Shows Then And Now - A nice follow-up to my Waldo Geraldo Faldo joke in yesterday’s Best and Worst Of WWE Raw report. [Buzzfeed]

‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ & 15 Other Awkward TV Serenades - David Brent and Greg Brady absolutely do not count. Uncle Jesse absolutely does. [HuffPost Comedy]

Forget Kony 2012, getting Steve Holt in the Arrested Development movie is the most important cause of the year - Steve Holt! Not getting arrested for public masturbation! [Fark]

‘Downton Abbey’ Gets an American Spoof With ‘Downton Arby’s’ - Great, now I want jalapeno poppers, a roast beef sandwich the size of my face and a Mountain Dew the size of the rest of my body. [The FW]

The 10 Best Shows in the Fox Network’s 25 Year History - I’m sure ‘Woops!’ is number 11 and Pajiba just made a mistake. [Pajiba]

"Just kidding!"

File this story under “Throwing poop at a wall” and cross-reference it with “Duhhhhhhhh”.

Back when LeBron James told Jim Gray in an exclusive one-hour special on ESPN known as “The Decision” that he was “taking his talents to South Beach”, there was a small side conversation that a few sports talking heads had – I don’t remember who and I haven’t had enough coffee to check, but I agreed with whoever it was so whatevs – about the possibility of James returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers after his contract with the Miami heat was up and he’d won not one, not two, not three, etc. championships.

Fast forward to what is either a really slow news day or the most incredible inside scoop since Maverick Carter called Stephen A. Smith and told him James was going to Miami. Sam Amico of Fox Sports Ohio (via our comrade at Larry Brown Sports) claims that “sources” say that James is unhappy with the Heat organization. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…

Sources in Miami say that while James still thoroughly enjoys playing alongside fellow stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, he doesn’t particularly care for the heavy-handed and disciplined style of team president Pat Riley.

James can opt out of his contract at the end of the 2013-14 season, and speculation is he will strongly consider it if Riley remains in his current role. And the team James would be eyeballing most in free agency, say those close to the situation, would be the Cavs.

If this happens – IF! – I can’t even imagine the criticism James will receive. It would blow the post-decision hatred and all of last season’s booing out of the water. Sure, the fans in Cleveland would probably forgive him in 1/10th of a heartbeat if he came crawling back, but Heat fans, Los Angeles Lakers fans, Boston Celtics fans and New York Knicks fans would DESTROY HIM.

Granted, this is two years from now, and he’s probably going to win a title or two before this matters, which would render all of that hate moot. So again this speculation is probably just pot-stirring. But it’s worth pointing out that writers are trying to get in on the ground floor of the “LeBron will return to Cleveland” prediction, but it’s way too obvious. Anybody who brags about that might as well join John Edwards in “predicting” that Khloe Kardashian will get knocked up this year. So bold, fellas.

*Self-proclaimed.

After the Miami Heat defeated the Boston Celtics to advance to the Eastern Conference Finals, LeBron James told reporters that he was sorry for the way “The Decision” happened. He claimed that he knew that the only way he could ever beat the Boston Celtics would be teaming up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, and that’s why he chose Miami. Apparently he was so blinded with rage and ambition after he gave up lost to the Celtics in the playoffs last year that he was willing to forgo his future as the game’s biggest star to create a miniature Dream Team, which is fine because it’s certainly working out well. LeBron admitted that he’s been through a lot since that fateful TV programming blunder, and he is simply sorry for it.

Responded the entire city of Cleveland, “Aw, it’s cool, boo. We were just playing.”

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