In a blog post that would’ve gotten tons of traffic maybe six years ago, Manny Pacquiao celebrated his decision-by-way-of-inevitability victory over Sugar Shane Mosley by hanging out with socialite turned porn star turned pop culture icon turned something turned nobody Paris Hilton. I’m guessing he punched her in the face, which is why her eyeball is doing that thing.

Paris tweeted: “Hanging out with @MannyPacquiao and his beautiful wife Jinkee. They are such a sweet & down to earth couple! Love them! :)”

Jinkee also had her picture taken with the American celebrity. Paris reportedly had a hard time leaving the media room as Filipino fans mobbed her.

Read the rest of this entry »

Toonces gets Tuesdays off...

I’m not a big Paris Hilton guy. She’s more like a modern-day Princess Diana for poor white people. But she recently took part in some MMA training session with fighter Gabe Ruediger. And judging from the footage, she was training in the Congo. At least now, we won’t need night vision for the video. Watch Paris kick and punch after the jump, and then tell me that this girl hasn’t had everything handed to her since she popped out of the womb with a Tiffany spoon in her mouth. Read the rest of this entry »

As the athlete’s celebratory cry for the team achievement has long been, “I’m going to Disneyland,” the new exclamation for the more provocative sportsman might be, “I’m gonna blow a load into Paris Hilton.” Such seemed to be the plan for Christiano Ronaldo, who found himself in a California club called MyHouse Wednesday night before finding himself in the hotel heiress. I wonder which line to get in was longer. Wokka wokka wokka!

The scoring machine and Paris got down and dirty as they teamed up to celebrate the soccer ace’s £80million transfer.

A clubber who witnessed their frolicking said: “They were sucking each other’s faces off like their plane was going down.

“At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy.” |The Sun|

TMZ is “reporting” that Paris went back to her old fling the next night, who’s some guy I never heard of.

But our spies say last night Paris begged Doug Reinhardt to take her back. She told him she loved him and had made a mistake by breaking up with him.

We’re told she was texting him all night and then showed up at his house at 4 AM this morning, banging on his door.

See? With Paris Hilton, even the door gets herpes. Um, I mean laid.

The Anaheim Ducks just discovered they have a small fan base:

The Anaheim Ducks had their moment in the Southern California spotlight. Because of Paris Hilton, that's pretty much all it was — a moment.  Hilton's release from jail early Thursday subjugated the Ducks to afterthought status just hours after they reached the pinnacle of their sport — winning the Stanley Cup.

Hockey relegated to afterthought status?  I don't believe it.  In fact, the Ducks are lucky such a major newsworthy event wrested public attention away from their triumph.  Any of these other SoCal happenings could have supplanted hockey's greatest flock: GAS PRICES CONTINUE TO RISE, SMOG ALERT TODAY, J.C. PENNEY TWO-DAY SALE.

"I live right there and I didn't even know they were playing. That's sad," said Sherrie Robertson, a 34-year-old housewife lined up for the $6 early-bird special at the All-Cloth Anaheim West Car Wash on Thursday. "Southern California and ice, they just don't mix, do they?"

Hockey's unpopularity might be the least sad thing going on there. You know what else doesn't mix?  Sexiness and early-bird specials. -KD

SI's Lester Munson has a nice little piece today on Brian Urlacher's extracurricular activities, namely his rampant unprotected fornicating and resultant custody battles. Basically, Urlacher had a one-night stand with an alleged former stripper and known golddigger that resulted in a baby, so he got himself a hard-ass lawyer to keep paternity payments low and to try to get custody. The one-night stand, which came after a romantic evening at Chili's, was after he had knocked up his ex-wife Laurie, but before Laurie moved back in with him to have the baby. And, while I'm breaking down the timeline, his highly publicized fling with Paris Hilton three years ago was while he was still married.

And now Laurie has moved back out. I can't imagine why. Maybe because the father of her children has been proven to have unprotected sex with women he doesn't know, and one of those women was Paris Hilton. There isn't enough penicillin in the world to make me comfortable with the notion of unprotected sex with Paris. Or any kind of sex. It's nice when fabulously wealthy blondes have long legs, but the lazy eye just doesn't do it for me. And have you heard her speak? Vince Young could beat her on the Wonderlic. 

It's times like these where it's fun to look around the Internet and find things like the 2005 interview with Maxim in which Brian gave us some handy tips for dating. 

Now that you are divorced, you must be getting all sorts of hot girls like Mariah [Carey] and Jessica [Simpson].
It’s cool. Now I do what I want. You just got to be careful: There's a lot more problems out there now. I have to watch what I do and who I hang out with. It’s no different than when I was married, except that I get to do more things that I want to do now.

Yes, no different than when he was married, by which he means he's free to run around having unprotected sex with any willing woman. Sometimes even his wife!