While most 7-month old babies are still trying to understand colors, shapes, people and why Miley Cyrus was named the hottest woman in the world by Maxim, an Australian boy named Ryder is already well on his way to becoming the next great water skiing champion. And sure, I have no clue if water skiing even has champions, but it’s just nice to see some parents being proactive in their baby’s development and not doing stupid things like “waiting for him to grow up” before introducing him to extreme sports.

Now, some people obviously disagree with someone as young as Ryder being placed on a makeshift set of water skis while his father pulls him through shallow water as a means of introducing him to the basics of water skiing. Those people cite silly things like “logic” and “common sense” and “child endangerment” and “life-threatening conditions” while arguing that a 7-month old shouldn’t be water skiing.

But those critics and backseat parents will all eat their words in two years when this kid is dating Madonna.

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With hundreds of thousands of college students recovering, enjoying or maybe still planning their Spring Break adventures for this year, word is beginning to surface that there may be a darker underbelly to this great American tradition that I have been honoring all week. According to the cool kids who play their loud rap music at the malt shops, there’s a chance that young men and women are “hooking up” and “getting their freak on” whilst taking a break from Academia, and it appears that the culprit behind all of this nincompoopery is Victoria’s Secret and its new “Bright Young Things” line.

While I refuse to believe that a company as splendid as VS, which has brought us shining examples of humanity in Adriana Lima, Doutzen Kroes, Candice Swanepoel and many, many others, would knowingly encourage young women to behave in illicit manners, there are some parents out there who believe otherwise. And parents know everything and have never, ever done anything wrong. Am I right, kids?

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In news that Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry could appreciate, we’re apparently in the middle of International Cloth Diaper Awareness Week, which is a lead-in to Super Duper Hippie Time Earth Day on Sunday. But Saturday is the big day for the diaper dandies, as thousands of mothers and defeated fathers will gather in 302 cities across 16 countries for the Great Cloth Diaper Change. If you need me, I’ll be one town over for the Great Hold Your Nose and Don’t Vomit Party.

Last year, the Great Diaper Change set a Guinness World Record when 5,026 cloth diapers were changed at the exact same time. God, I hope one of those babies was wearing a “Who farted?” shirt. So why the big stink?

“Each year billions of disposable diapers enter landfills where it takes hundreds of years for them to decompose, if ever,” says Heather McNamara, Executive Director of the Real Diaper Association, a nonprofit that advocates for cloth diapers. “Building off the success of last year’s event with 127 locations in five countries, we plan to show the entire world that cloth diapers are a real option for today’s modern families, particularly catching the eye of expecting and new parents who may be seeking more planet-friendly and affordable alternatives to disposable diapers.” (Via Market Watch)

On one hand, we have our beloved environment to think about. On the other hand, a whole lotta baby poop. This is truly our generation’s greatest debate. It’s also just a reason for me to post a picture of a baby from last year’s diaper change because he’s wearing a Wu Tang t-shirt. I wasn’t aware that Danger Guerrero had a child.

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Basketball's only true hero.

If you haven’t heard the name Austin Worthen before today, that’s probably a good thing. He’s a third grade boy, and unless you’re related to him, you shouldn’t have any idea who he is. But as of today you have an excuse, because he’s become the Internet sports star du jour, thanks to a half court shot that he heaved up at the third quarter buzzer during a recent tournament game in Oklahoma.

But before you go thinking this is some random case of luck, know that young Austin is just that good, because according to his dad, he’s the hardest working third grader in the world.

According to his dad, Austin Worthen has practiced this shot a thousand times.

But this time he sank the basket at the buzzer and with dad taping the entire game.

The shot came at the end of the 3rd quarter.

Austin’s team won the game 25-4 and they finished second overall in the tournament. (Via KOBI 5 News)

Damn, that’s a bummer that they lost. Oh well, no time to read comic books and play video games for Austin. Gotta get right back in that gym and start heaving up a thousand half court shots so he’ll be ready for next year’s tournament. NO SLACKING, YOU P*SSIES!

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Links

16 Beautiful Photos From The NHL Winter Classic - They should bring the Winter Classic to Texas and play a game on the roof of our Whole Foods Market, or at least be forced to wear sweaters when its still 75 degrees outside in January. [Buzzfeed]

The Cowboys Season Ends In Exquisite Cowboys Fashion - Gonna be watching that Romo gif all day. It’s like something from Baraka. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

5 Reasons We’re Looking Forward To The “Watchmen” Prequels - This is the worst idea since the Tom Hanks remake of Ikiru. The problem with modern comic writers is that they absolutely cannot let anything stay good. [Gamma Squad]

The Highest Grossing Films of 2011 - I’m pretty disappointed in all of us that The Smurfs made 140+ million dollars and further validated their stupid “everything has to be updated to modern times and take place in either New York or Los Angeles” thing. [Film Drunk]

Mase Allegedly Skips Out On $35K Unpaid Jewelry Tab, Gets Sued - Mase … you know ain’t nothing changed but his debilitating limp. [Smoking Section]

Man Named Omar Little Arrested in Baltimore - This is probably the best story of all time, if only for the thought that ‘The Wire’ is real, and happening concurrently to our lives at all times. And if Omar can get arrested, that means Bodie is still around! [Warming Glow]

Child Actors: Then & Now - These lists are always fun and exist for two reasons: 1. To remind us how hot Punky Brewster got, and 2. To remind us how hot Budnick from Salute Your Shorts did not get. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Top 600 People - I can’t wait until these lists get comprehensive enough to include me. [Adult Swim]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Jay-Z - Number 11: he thinks “green berets” is pronounced like it’s spelled. [PopCrush]

Snoop Dogg to appear on The Price is Right, be the guy who always bids $420 - Drew Carey to host The Price is Right, be that guy who stands around with weird hair and laughs in a weird, unlikable way to himself the entire time. [FARK]

Ring in the New Year with 15 of the Most Slamdamntastic Dance Scenes in Cinematic History - That’s it, Pajiba, you’re grounded from creating adjectives for the rest of the year. [Pajiba]

Eight Very Realistic Movies About Parenthood - Or, more specifically, eight very realistic movies about lower upper class white parenting. This is not my childhood experience. Steve Martin never had to parent somebody in section eight housing. [Unreality]

Ames, Iowa parents are beating each other bloody over how often their 12-year old stands in at second shortstop. Who ya got?

Ames police arrested three people at North River Valley Park Sunday night following the championship softball game for 12-year-old girls competing in the Iowa Games.

The Centerville Hot Shots had just beat the Nevada Cubs when according to police a Centerville parent got in an argument with the team’s coach over playing time.

Officers said 32-year-old Angela Sales, of Centerville, punched coach Todd Sebolt. The coach is also accused of punching Sales. Sales sister, 19-year-old Stephany Summers, was also arrested for punching Sebolt’s wife.

I picked the one in the middle (“Sebolt”), but I honestly thought he was a lesbian. Now I feel bad for everyone at the game, because the guy who coaches a team of 12-year old girls is okay punching a woman. I wish the paragraph about who had punched who had kept going. Sales punched the coach. The coach is accused of punching Sales. Sales sister, Stephanie But Spelled Stupid, was arrested for punching the coach’s wife. The coach’s wife was arrested for punching Sales’ dog. The dog was arrested for urinating in public. Several pre-teen girls were arrested for punching a fire hydrant, and so on.

Video of the incident is below, but be warned, it is extremely graphic.

[h/t Off the Bench and my lifelong crush on Thora Birch]