You know what f**king sucks? Wearing pants. Especially when you’re trying to golf.

If Johnson Wagner wants to wag his Johnson while he’s playing, who am I to stand in his way? That’s what the fine men and I’m assuming additional men over at Ashworth golf apparel think, and they’ve issued a “Pants Petition” asking the PGA to allow golfers the right to wear shorts. An actual petition. Golf pros Retief Goosen, Justin Rose, Sean O’Hair and Justin Leonard have thrown in to help the petition make a difference, because the only thing preventing a normal man from golf greatness is lower-leg coverage.

Sure, I can hear some of you now. “If we let golfers golf in shorts, what’s next? Golfing in their underwear? WHAT’S STOPPING SOMEONE FROM TRYING TO PLAY ON THE PGA TOUR WITH THEIR DOG??” You’re on the wrong side of history, folks. In 40 years when only the most regressive squares wear slacks on the links, you’re gonna look back and think “man, I should’ve signed that Internet petition.” I promise you will think that.

[h/t to Sportress]

For one easy installment of … wait, $5,000?? Jesus Christ!

By way of our socially conscious pals at Deadspin comes eBay auction “Broncos Tim Tebow Rookie Game Worn Used Pants Team COA”, a.k.a. the pants Tebow was wearing when he threw his first NFL touchdown pass last season against the Chiefs, and you could be the winner, should you have five grand to burn and absolutely no idea what to do with your life. If “a guy you’ve heard of wore these pants” isn’t enough, consider the auction’s extremely concerning selling points:

Throughout the pants there are multiple hit marks, stains, and tears.

which goes great with

The handwarmer and towel came direct from the broncos locker room.

… so in the event you wanted to buy these pants under the condition that they’d been warmed by Tim Tebow’s taint you’ve got a second chance with the hand towel. I need more information from the seller. Have these directly encountered scrote?

I haven’t decided if I’m wholly in the “so what if he led the comeback against the Dolphins, he beat a winless team by three points in overtime and was terrible the entire game” camp or the “he is God’s special little angel” one, but he’s going to have to do a little more than force Miami to suck if he wants me to drop 5k on trou. I wouldn’t pay $5,000 for Shakira’ pants. I wouldn’t pay that much for my own pants.