Would you like to watch a video of a big panda wrestling around with a little one? If I told you that the big panda pulls off a sweet German suplex (pictured, right) would you want to watch it more?

I ran the YouTube description through Google Translate, and this is what it gave me:

March 11, 2013. Beach has excellent outdoor debut.
Good beaches to chase the excellent beach.

I don’t speak Chinese, but I’m gonna guess the words for “panda” and “beach” are pretty similar. Panda has excellent outdoor debut! Good pandas to chase the excellent panda. That makes more sense, right? Because that big panda is good, but the baby panda is excellent. He also need to watch out for the big panda’s sick gutwrench.

[h/t to Daily Of The Day]

There’s a moment near the beginning of Next Media Animation’s more-or-less unnecessary 66-second tribute to Blake Griffin’s dunking where LeBron James is standing on an Olympic podium holding a “Dunk Of The Year” trophy, Griffin shows up and bonks him in the head with a basketball to knock him down. You’re like, “oh, okay, this is going to be a tame one”.

A few seconds later, Griffin jumps over a car to win the slam dunk contest and we cut to fans and their heads explode. Then, a military panda walking on its hind legs hands Griffin a ball so he can one-up the car dunk with a corkscrew leap through flaming hoops that have been set up over a tiger cage. It doesn’t end well. To top that, Griffin gets into a time machine and dunks on Michael Jordan, who is mid-dunk himself. And then my head explodes.

All I can say is that if Griffin can travel time and simply viewing his dunks makes blood fill your head until it explodes, poor Kendrick Perkins needs to keep his eyes closed from birth ’til death.

Yao Ming may have retired from the NBA earlier than most of us would have liked, but that’s not going to stop him from using his Hall of Fame notoriety for good. First, he donated a few bottles of his very own wine and some custom shoes and suits to an auction that benefited the Special Olympics East Asia. Now he and his wife, Ye Li, have loaned their star power to the grand opening of the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China’s Sichuan province.

The facility just launched the Panda Valley protection area, where rescued and rehabilitated giant pandas are being safely returned to their lives in the wild so they will hopefully start doing it and making more adorable panda babies, like the pair that Yao and Ye got to play with yesterday. Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to make a man feel better about his career ending early than by letting him play with baby pandas.

Except maybe red panda babies, because they’re probably the most adorable little things on this planet.

Read the rest of this entry »

Links

Smell Their Feet: The Greatest Child Halloween Costumes That Will Ever Show Up At Your Door - If a child showed up to my door dressed as Sho Nuff (or Bruce Leroy, as long as I could tell it apart from a Game of Death costume) I’d give them ALL of my candy, plus whatever candy I could afford for the next year. [UPROXX]

Our Favorite Photos From Zombie Walk Toronto 2011 - “Our favorite photos” is so funny to me, like Robopanda is flipping through a bunch of polaroids going, “Well, I LIKE this one, but I don’t know if I love it.” (Hi, Robopanda) [Gamma Squad]

Frotcast 71: Spielberg, Voice Mails, Rum Diary, More Seagal or Porn Star - I’m going to debut our podcast at some point in November or die trying. [Film Drunk]

The Dugout: Jim Thome’s Back(yard) - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s a Dugout everybody likes because it has almost nothing to do with baseball. Comment on this thing! [The Dugout]

T.I. And Chelsea Handler Rekindle Their Late Night Magic - The “teen who wants to sleep with his friend’s Mom” in me really enjoys Chelsea Handler. Fantasy threesome: me, Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon dressed as Chelsea Handler. [Smoking Section]

Meme Watch: Pick Up Line Panda Is Striking Out - Maybe Pick Up Line Panda should outfit himself with the latest technology from Cybertronics. Hi again, Robopanda. [UPROXX]

14 Punctuation Marks That You Never Knew Existed - I know that “schwah” isn’t punctuation, technically, but I hope it’s on here somewhere. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Abstract Costume Corner - I don’t work at Adult Swim, but in my mind it’s just Bob Odenkirk and Starburns sitting in an office rolling their eyes while the interns come up with stuff like this and put it online. [Adult Swim]

Freddy Krueger Edges Out Samara Morgan In A Poll For The Scariest Horror Movie Character - You guys think I’m a pro wrestling hipster, wait until you hear my opinions about movies. Samara Morgan? Seriously? Yeah, I’m deathly terrified of your photoshop filters, guys. [FARK]

Regis Strips For Snooki - Regis shouldn’t be doing anything for Snooki. Nobody should be doing things for Snooki. Get it together, America. [AOL TV]

5 Bizarre Killing Sprees That Never Got Solved - An alternate title for “Regis Strips For Snooki”. [The Smoking Jacket]

The 50 Most Successful Box Office Stars of All Time in North America - Jim Varney is on here somewhere, right? He went to camp AND jail AND was scared so much it made him stuipd. [Pajiba]

Turning Movie Posters Into Cartoons - I don’t know why the Tazmanian Devil is in The Illusionist, but it instantly improves that film. [Unreality]

Next Media Animation’s latest video is easy their most accurate, succinctly explaining the NBA Lockout situation to foreign audiences and stoned people on the Internet by having commissioner David Stern (wearing a blazer with a big “STERN” on the back) avenge the death of a cubist man representing the Detroit Pistons franchise by breaking into Derek Fisher’s house with a chainsaw, cutting in half a pizza Kobe had baked with LeBron James and scaring LeBron so badly he travels to China and loses at basketball and is emasculated by a communist panda. Stern is then free to get married to a hairy guy in a Time Warner Cable wedding dress. Taiwanese animation is such a better educational tool than Twitter.

In all seriousness, and as per usual, this video is f**king hilarious and insane. I’m not sure why Stern looks like Mr. Burns, and I think the only truly accurate moment is a salary cap causing LeBron’s head to burst into flames. We should cancel the rest of the season and just have Next Media Animation animate the games.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

The true measure of an NBA star is how he handles his downtime. While players like Ron Artest are staying busy with a stand-up comedy tour and proposed appearances on “Dancing With The Stars”, Carmelo Anthony has gone above and beyond: He’s in China, holding panda bears and doing Chinese Opera Mask Dances with Chris Paul. Which would you rather do, hold a panda toddler or wear glitter tights and fox trot with Casper Van Dien?

Anthony, Paul and Dwyane Wade (who coincidentally all have white guy first names for last names) are on a Nike-sponsored tour of China to promote “specific editions of their signature products that takes inspiration from the Chinese culture as well as the athlete’s style of play”. More specifically,

To celebrate the tour, Jordan Brand created three special edition colorways for Anthony, Wade and Paul’s signature shoes. The shoes were based on Chinese Opera Masks and incorporated the characteristics of each athlete to pay homage to Chinese culture. Each colorway is tied to a specific story that is connected to Jordan Brand athlete’s Fly Around (Quick), Fly Over (Air), and Fly Through (Explosive) silos.

I challenge you to find quickness, explosiveness or air in this video. Well, finding air might be easy.

I want a shoe that takes inspiration from the Chinese culture of holding panda bears.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]