Lana. LANA!

Sports On TV is in the Danger Zone.

Our look at the best sports moments from shows that aren’t necessarily about sports takes on FX’s ‘Archer’ this week, and if there’s a show the kids at UPROXX love more than ‘Archer,’ I’d like to see it. Inside, you’ll find one of the most clever, obscure, expertly-written shows on television. You’ll also find lacrosse jokes about rock bands from the 1990s, a guy trying to play baseball in space, Ultimate Bum Shock Fights (which are exactly what they sound like), Siamese fighting fish, and more.

So please click through and-or enjoy Sports On TV: ‘Archer’s’ 15 greatest sports moments.

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If you don’t watch terrible television, you might not know that professional wrestling is obsessed with MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’. Is it because of the outlandish, over-the-top personalities? Is it because of the ethnic stereotyping and hand gestures? Are they just the only two shows low enough to share a denominator*?

Whatever the reason, the multi-verse Age Of Apocalypse crossover continues as TNA wrestling (the luminaries who brought you Pac-Man Jones as a tag team champion not legally cleared to wrestle) will bring on its third Jersey Shore castmate, Ronnie.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro gets in the ring with TNA’s IMPACT WRESTLING on SpikeTV! Star of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” makes his wrestling debut on Thursday, November 3. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, star of MTV’s megahit series, “Jersey Shore,” will bring his pumping fists and bravado into the wrestling ring on TNA’s “Impact Wrestling” airing exclusively on Spike TV Thursday, November 3 at 9:00pm ET/PT.

Crossing over with mainstream audiences is a major goal for pro wrestling, with Cyndi Lauper’s participation in WWF’s Rock N’ Wrestling 1980s and Mike Tyson’s interaction with D-Generation X and Stone Cold Steve Austin in the 90s being important turning points in the medium’s popularity.

Impact Wrestling’s first attempt to bring over the Shore audience was cast member J-WOWW, who called somebody a bitch and got into a catfight. They followed that up with an appearance from former housemate Angelina, who called somebody a bitch and got into a catfight. WWE upped the Shore game by bringing in Snooki for Wrestlemania, which she built to by calling somebody a bitch and getting into a catfight. I wonder what Ronnie will end up doing?

You can check out videos of those appearances below. You know, if you hate yourself.
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Does this look like somebody who’d have a severe drug problem?

38-year old pro wrestler Travis Tomko (aka “Tyson Tomko” or just “Tomko”) has topped Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer getting arrested for marijuana possession at a Cheesecake Factory as the month’s most random and least baller sports-world arrest by robbing a CVS Pharmacy of its Oxycodone, then going to a local Chili’s restaurant to ask for a soup spoon, ground up all 178 pills and inject them into his body. It also tops “Booker T once robbed a Wendy’s” as the best WWE fast food tragedy.

According to the police report, obtained by TMZ, Tomko went to a nearby Chili’s … where he asked his waitress for a spoon. When the server brought him a teaspoon, he asked for a “deeper spoon” … and when he got it, he took it to the men’s room … where he remained for 30 to 40 minutes.

Cops were eventually tipped off … and when they arrived on the scene, one officer says Tomko had “needle marks and blood running down his arm” … and had just flushed something down the toilet.

Tomko was taken into custody — and allegedly told police he has a “severe drug problem.”

To his credit, I spent 40 minutes in the bathroom the last time I was at Chili’s, too. He was taken to a hospital, then immediately taken to jail.

Tomko spent five years in TNA Wrestling and held one-half of their tag team championships, making him at least as good of a wrestler as Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Pacman Jones. He’s spent a lot of time in Japan, as well, but is best known for his seven-or-so years in World Wrestling Entertainment and that one time Christian asked him to “drop a beat” so he could battle rap John Cena and was refused. According to this report, that might’ve been the only time he’s ever said “no”.

Before becoming a wrestler, Tomko was a bodyguard for Limp Bizkit, and you can see him milling about in the “My Generation” video, so at least it’s comforting to know that getting sent to jail for shooting up 200 off-brand drug store painkillers in the worst of the family restaurants isn’t the saddest thing that’s ever happened to him.

Cincinnati Bengals cornerback and former TNA World Tag Team Champion (seriously, if you’d forgotten) Adam “Pacman” Jones was arrested Sunday in Cincinnati on misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct while intoxicated and resisting arrest, and if you’ve found a way to mimic that noise Pacman makes when he’s killed by a ghost, make it now. Cincinnati media outlets reported documents filed in court accuse Jones of “being disorderly and shouting profanities in a downtown bar and trying to pull away as officers arrested him”. He was jailed at around 3 AM and released later in the morning.

Jones put the Pacman Experience into words more eloquently than I could hope to:

Jones denied the allegations in an interview with WCPO-TV after leaving jail.

“I just had surgery, so why would I be resisting arrest?” said Jones, who was wearing a neck brace. He’s been recovering from a neck injury last fall that required surgery, but he was expecting to play this year.

He said he hadn’t been drinking and was out with his wife to celebrate her birthday.

“It’s ridiculous, man,” he told the TV station. “I keep on going through the same thing, and it don’t make no sense.”

The Yahoo Sports news bit summarizes Pacman’s off-screen troubles as “at least six other arrests and a dozen instances that involved police intervention”, but for some reason it seems more like that. It feels like Pacman just goes to prison, gets out, immediately drives to a club and throws money in the air until somebody walks up and arrests him again. I didn’t realize he was only 27-years old, I thought he was like 48. I barely remembered that he played football.

Also fun,

A Bengals spokesman said the team had no comment on the most recent arrest. The team is prohibited from having contact with Jones because of the NFL lockout.

Maybe that’s for the best. Do everything you don’t want people fining you for or talking about now, football players!

Being a Bengals fan, I was as confused as anyone when Pacman Jones was offered a spot with the team (he signed a 2-year deal today). Cincinnati already has first-round picks on the corners in Jonathan Joseph (2006) and Leon Hall (2007). But as Bengals defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer
says, you can’t have enough cornerbacks.

He’s not coming in to start, Zimmer told Jones. He has to play with more discipline than he has shown in his career. He won’t put up with anything that hurts the chemistry of a defense that has grown so far so fast.

“He looked me in the eye and shook my hand,” Zimmer says, and in his world of a man’s word, that means a lot. –Geoff Hobson/Bengals.com.

Keep in mind that this is a team that has searched through the NFL’s garbage bin and found Tank Johnson, safety Roy Williams and Chris Crocker, all of whom contributed to a defense that finished 4th in total yards allowed last season. Oh, and they also pulled Cedric Benson off waivers, who finished 8th in rushing yardage in 2009. They’re like the Dollar General of the NFL, and if you don’t believe that, check out all the portly patrons that frequent Paul Brown Stadium. That’s how it goes with the only retail outlet on earth that’s less upscale than Walmart.

Pacman Jones has scored an extra life. In Cincinnati. I’m as shocked as you are. The Bengals hosted him for a workout on Tuesday, and I guess that was all she wrote. Jones was getting interest from at least four different teams.

This signing makes no GD sense. Never mind that the Bengals were sixth in passing yards allowed, have two first-round draft picks at each corner already, and oh by the way Jones has started in six games in the last three years. But don’t worry, Tristate-area police, because Chad Ocho Cinco is on the case.

“PacMan Jones will be a great addition to our already solid ass defense not to mention his ability to return kicks,#hewontgetintroubleimthere” –via Twitter.

Look at the great job that Chad did with Chris Henry. And Maurice Purify, for that matter. Between Jones and Matt Jones, our new fearless disciplinarian should do quite well for himself. Just step on back, America. Nothing to see here.