Look, I’m not a big fan of the “[Hispanic player/coach] MOWS MY LAWN” shirts; they’re long on ethnic stereotyping and short on Teh Funny (and that’s coming from a guy that did this post on KSK last year). But when White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen found someone selling “OZZIE MOWS WRIGLEY FIELD” shirts in front of 1060 West Addison on his way to work (the Sox play the Cubs in Wrigley today), he made a statement of his own. From Mark Gonzales at the Trib’s Hardball blog:
Guillen bought a T-shirt and wore it in the clubhouse. “I might cut lawns but I don’t stand in the rain selling T-shirts,” Guillen said, laughing.
It’s a refreshing attitude to have, if not a counter-productive one. I would have loved to see the look on the vendor’s face when that transaction went down, assuming the guy would have been smart enough to recognize Guillen without his landscaping gear. Hey, that was totally uncalled for! Oh, wait…I wrote that.
|as first seen on Amy K. Nelson’s Twitter feed. The “K” stands for “baseball.”|
Amid a typical flurry of Tourette-fueled ranting, Ozzie Guillen owned up to having opposing hitters beaned in retaliation for when one of his players gets hit. This, of course, is something all managers do, but aren't supposed to say that they do, because that would make Wally and the Beeve doubt the beneficent nature of their fellow man. Then go rob a liquor store.
“I’ve hit people before on purpose,” said Guillen, the Chicago White Sox manager, after a game Sunday in which umpires levied a suspect ejection in the fifth inning of a blowout when Chicago reliever D.J. Carrasco hit Kansas City’s Miguel Olivo with the bases loaded and incited a bench-emptying square dance.
“Yes I have,” Guillen continued. “Because that’s my job. Protect my players.”
“You think I’m going to bring somebody in to hit somebody and they’re going to throw a fastball 82 (mph) at the hands?” Guillen said. “I’m going to bring in my best guy and make sure he gets it done. That’s Major League Baseball. That’s baseball. That’s the baseball I grew up with. Not the (expletive) they play right now.”
Other than wanting to kick in the writer in the nuts for using the cornball euphemism of "square dance" rather than just saying it was a fight, I'm always buoyed by the open admission of excessive violence in sports. That's right, you don't bring in Greg Maddux to hit someone, you call in a guy with 102 mph fastball and no control like Daniel Cabrera. That way the guy can get drilled in the head when you said you were just asking for a beaning to the hip.
The White Sox tried to break out of their slump by placing blow-up dolls in their clubhouse on Sunday, and boy did it work out great: they lost the final two games in Toronto as the Blue Jays completed a four-game sweep in which the Sox managed just 16 hits and got shut out twice.
On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat inserted in its backside to prop it up. [Yes... to "prop it up" -Ed.] Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying "Let's Go White Sox" and the other reading "You've Got to Push," the National Post in Toronto reported.
Okay, so not really classy, but about what you'd expect from a team managed by Ozzie Guillen. But wait — if this happened in the clubhouse, why is it news? Well, if you had "overly sensitive activist group" in your office douche pool, collect your prize.
One group not amused by the prank was the Association for Women in Sports Media, whose members work toward ensuring a non-threatening work environment for all women in sports media. "The presence of those dolls creates an uncomfortable situation for any female journalist who enters the White Sox locker room simply trying to do her job," said Jenni Carlson, the group's president, in an e-mail.
Just like a bunch of feminists to bitch about everything. "Don't make a threatening work environment." "Don't intimidate us." "Don't wave your genitalia at us." "Don't depict us as being anally violated with baseball bats." Sheesh, and they wonder why they're still single.
Investigatey UPDATE: Thanks to commenters HHY and Cock Flashy, who note that Jenni Carlson is the same woeful journalist who was the target of Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy's epic rant. Her complaint against the White Sox is obviously the work of someone who is NOT A MOTHER who's never had their child's HEART BROKEN when a BLOW-UP DOLL DIDN'T BREAK A SLUMP!!!
Here's a White Sox radio commercial where manager Ozzie Guillen curses at a child. Get it? It's funny 'cause it's true.
[Big League Stew via FanHaus]
Everyone knows that Joe Morgan is the dumbest baseball announcer alive, and Ozzie Guillen is the craziest sonofabitch in Illinois, neither a small feat when you take into account Tim McCarver's existence or the presence of the nation's first supermax prison in Marion. And last night they went toe-to-toe. Idiocy versus insanity, WHO YA GOT?
[Guillen] didn’t take kindly to ESPN broadcaster Joe Morgan questioning the fact that Guillen told reporters on Saturday that he felt Ivan Rodriguez, not Roberto Clemente, was the greatest player to come out of Puerto Rico. Morgan told Guillen he was "crazy," starting a series of "FU's" from Guillen.
What Morgan didn’t know was Guillen is a huge collector of Clemente memorabilia, as well as gave his son, Oney, the middle name of Roberto. [Gahhh! That syntax is fucking awful. -Ed.]
Well let's see here. On one hand, nothing gives me greater pleasure than someone saying FUCK YOU to Joe Morgan's face. On the other hand, for once in his life, Morgan is right: Ozzie Guillen really is crazy.
Who wins? I dunno, I'm too bothered by the nature of the conversation. Why do we have to make it only about Puerto Rican players? That does nothing to promote racial unity and harmony. Can't we all just agree to hate the Jews and move on?
I'm not as qualified to write about the White Sox as this site's esteemed assistant editor, but I know that things are not good on the South Side of Chicago. And for once I'm not talking about the building code violations or public school system. No, the White Sox entered the ninth inning with a 5-3 lead against the Indians, but Ryan Garko hit a two-run homer off of Bobby Jenks to tie the game (his fifth blown save of the year). Two innings later, Garko's bloop single gave the Tribe a 6-5 win that kept them one game behind Detroit in the AL Central, while Chicago fell ten games under .500.
This failure comes just two days after ChiSox relievers tried to blow a nine-run lead in an 11-10 win, "prompting general manager Kenny Williams to unexpectedly join his struggling team on its 11-game road trip." What does all this mean? Simple: baseball is fucking boring compared to the Michael Vick dogfighting story.
Other MLB scores: Phillies rape Dodgers 15-3 behind 26-hit attack… Bottom of the ninth, nothing is more exciting than a — wait for it — game-tying balk! Yanks go on to win in the bottom of the tenth to spoil Roy Halladay's gem… Pitcher's duelzzzzzzzz: Tigers shut out Twins 1-0 as Nate Robertson out-pitches Matt Garza… Cincinnati's bullpen is even worse than the White Sox', but Reds hold on to win 6-5 over the Braves as Bro-Yo improves to 4-10.
