This is basically what I look like when I’m watching ‘The Wire’. Somebody draw this guy a warm bath for Christ’s sake. (via Awful Announcing)

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Potentially the 11 Most Crowd-Pleasing TV Deaths of 2012 |Warming Glow|

The 20 Best Ozzie Guillen Misquotes |With Leather|

Memes Do Come True: ‘Texts From Hillary’ Bros Meet With Hillary Clinton |UPROXX|

Donald Glover Talks About His ‘Amazing Spider-Man’ Easter Egg |Gamma Squad|

The Most Obnoxious Generation: An American Reunion Review |Film Drunk|

On Urban Meyer, Amateurism & Winning |Smoking Section|

The James Van Der Beek 6 Stages Of Fame |UPROXX|

The Incredible Portrait In Portrait Art Of Kim Dong Yoo |UPROXX|

The Start Of Your Ending: Mobb Deep Breaks Up On Twitter? Hav Calls Prodigy Gay? |Smoking Section|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming |Film Drunk|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/9/12: The One With The Three Stooges |With Leather|

Five “Science Reports” We’re Tired Of Seeing |Gamma Squad|

Chevy Chase on ‘Community’: It’s a ‘F*cking Mediocre Sitcom’ |Warming Glow|

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Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is currently taking a break from the team’s road trip for a pit stop in Miami to dish out a few thousand apologies for a comment he recently made to Time magazine. If you’re unfamiliar – and chances are you’re not – here’s the comment:

“I love Fidel Castro. I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that mother*cker is still here.”

People in Miami hate Castro, in case you haven’t read a history book in the past 60 years, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that anti-Castro groups are absolutely losing their sh*t over this incredibly stupid comment, and the Marlins already responded by suspending Guillen for 5 games. And the main reason I’m calling it stupid is because you shouldn’t ever say the phrase “I love Fidel Castro.” Even if the guy cures puppy AIDS, your response should still be: “That was cool, but Fidel Castro is still an assbag.”

I understand what Guillen was trying to say, but as usual he didn’t put much thought into what he was actually saying and who he was saying it to. So it didn’t take too long for the Internet to react and of course the people who didn’t get it freaked out and called for Guillen’s head and the people who did get it turned it into the joke of the day.

Daniel Tosh got it and he created #OzzieMisquotes on Twitter to mostly humorous results. I say mostly because a lot of people – A LOT – didn’t understand the joke and either took offense to the responses or made terrible jokes in response. I hate being a soap box guy here about Twitter, but whichever presidential candidate vows to clean up bad jokes on Twitter will get my vote.

That said, here are my 20 favorite #OzzieMisquotes from yesterday.

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Ozzie Guillen said some bad things. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but this one had a little more despot flattering than most, so it’s a big deal.

Of course, we at The Dugout believe in freedom of speech, so if Ozzie wants to say that Fidel Castro is better at skateboarding than Tony Hawk it should be his constitutional right as an American Sports Person Of Interest to do so. It should also be my right to explain why he said it in somewhat-antiquated chatroom form.

So here we are. The Ozzie Guillen Loves Fidel Castro Dugout is after the jump.

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If you’re already sick of Ozzie Guillen, f***ing strap in, because it’s going to be a long summer. Particularly if Guillen’s Miami Marlins run away with the National League East, as they’re already threatening to do. I mean, the season hasn’t even started yet, but they’ve already released Aaron Rowand. That is a CHAMPIONSHIP caliber move, right there.

Guillen is nothing if not a classy manager. On Thursday, GQ did a Twitter interview with the Marlins manager — which I guess is a thing that GQ does now — and one of the questions was whether Ozzie would consider himself a breast man or Billy Gunn an ass man. Or, as they phrased it, “¿Prefieres tetas o culo?” Guillen’s response? He’s all about the culo, baby!

@OzzieGuillen: Prefiero culo. Gracias a dios mi esposa tiene uno y siempre lo a tenido

If you can’t read en espanol, he says he thanks God that his wife has always had a nice caboose. Because he’s an old-fashioned romantic, that culo-loving sweetie!

Also on Thursday, Dodgers manager Don Mattingly appeared on Howard Stern for squares “The Dan Patrick Show” and the topic of Guillen came up. Mattingly, to his credit, called Guillen “a little sh*t” in a tone that was more good-natured than that quote would have you believe. As far as smack-talk goes, this barely even rates, but knowing Guillen, he will likely take it personally and instigate a brawl at the first Marlins/Dodgers game just so he can throat-punch the Los Angeles skipper.

Wow, I didn’t think I could get any more pumped for baseball season, but then I read that last sentence again.

[h/t for both items to HardballTalk]

Actually, I give Sports Illustrated a lot of credit for going with that terrible pun on their cover, because I assume that it was meant tongue-in-cheek. After all, Sports Illustrated has featured New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin on its cover something like 63 times in the last 9 days, so it’s cute that SI can make fun of itself and the rest of the national media for relentlessly blowing this kid while so many other interesting stories have been overlooked. I mean, did they even see the Kate Upton Carl’s Jr. commercial?

But since baseball season is creeping up on us, and it’s my favorite time of the year, I thought I could help SI out with some future headlines in case they decide to reflect on the Miami Marlins’ season and the excitement surrounding their big additions of Jose Reyes, Carlos Zambrano and Mark Buerhle.

MARLINJURIES: Jose Reyes hits the DL because he’s Jose Reyes.
MARLINCARCERATION: Carlos Zambrano facing murder charges after Mike Stanton homers off of him in batting practice.
MARLIN THE RED: Front office stress builds as attendance dips below 6 people.
MARLINSOLVENT: Jeff Loria busted paying players with checks printed on Saltines.
MARLINDICTED: Ozzie Guillen finally brought down after chewing Jeff Loria’s spine from out of his rectum.

See? They practically write themselves.

Q: How do you replace Ozzie Guillen as the manager of the Chicago White Sox?
A: With Terry Francona, Davey Martinez, Sandy Alomar, Tom Nieto (cough) or any number of proven managerial commodities available for the 2012 season.

Or, if you’d prefer, the actual answer: with a former player who has never coached and doesn’t really want to. Robin Ventura, the two-time All-Star and six-time Gold Glove winner most famous for that time in ’93 when he charged the mound on a 46-year old man and got headlocked and punched in the top of the head like a comical bitch, will be taking over as Sox skipper. Oh man, next year’s series against Texas is going to be awkward.

From The Beacon News, guys who live there and still can’t believe this is happening:

“I realize that he wasn’t on anyone’s list out there,’’ [General Manager Kenny] Williams said on a conference call Thursday. “We caught many of you by surprise.”

Considering Ventura has no experience as a manager, “many of you” is the understatement of the year. That lists includes Ventura himself, who said he didn’t set out to be a manager when the Sox hired him in June to be an assistant to [scouting director Buddy] Bell. When things unraveled to the end with Ozzie Guillen and his impending jump to Miami, Williams heightened his interest in Ventura — whose thoughts about being in the dugout never extended beyond a coaching or instructional situation.

I guess Williams and Ventura are interested in making sure every White Sox fan learns what it feels like to be emasculated by noogie. I’d like to say “we’ll have more on this as the story develops”, but I think this is it. Ah well, if Robin has a Twitter account and makes sure to compliment the Twins every few weeks it’ll be business as usual in Chicago. Depressing, depressing business as usual.