If you’re familiar with our A Guide to Recognizing Your Mascots series (specifically the Northwest League edition) you’re familiar with Eugene Emeralds mascot “Sluggo”, a chatty, lime-green bear with abandonment and voyeurism issues. It should come as no surprise to you that Sluggo has now made National News™ by instructing a child to kick a tree in the gonads because he lost a game of musical chairs.

The moment happened during the Emeralds’ “Blue Balls Night” promotion last month and marred the event, Eugene’s second most popular promotion behind “Cockblock Saturdays”. Two ball boys engage in a game of musical chairs with secondary mascot “Douglas Fir”. Douglas cheats to win, shoving one of the little boys out of the seat at the last minute, and because we’re a part of a weird society that rewards horrible behavior in young people, Sluggo blatantly instructs the kid to boot DF between the roots. The announcers even call it “karma”. Shaking my damn head, Eugene Emeralds.

I think true karma would be for Douglas Fir to die and for those kids eventually suffocate to death because they chopped him down and f**ked their own air supply.

[h/t Off the Bench]

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Cardinals leading 2-1, Matt Holliday lost a sinking line drive in the lights, couldn’t track the ball, and instead of catching it, appeared to take it square in the nuts. Most reports are saying the ball hit Holliday in the stomach, but I think they are trying to avoid adding insult to injury, because if you watch the above video replay (with bonus Couples Retreat preview! You haven’t seen that before!), it’s pretty clear that the ball drilled him square in the junk. The Dodgers capitalized on the error, scoring two runs, including the game-winning single by Mark Loretta that scored Casey Blake to beat the Cardinals 3-2 and take a 2-0 series lead. The Cardinals are perhaps now drowning their sorrows while Matt Holliday is icing his balls.

In other MLB Division Series playoff action…

Colorado Rockies 5, Philadelphia Phillies 4. The Rockies evened up their matchup with the Phillies at one game apiece as the series heads to chilly Colorado. Speaking of nuts, after pitching five innings and surrendering four earned runs, starter Cole Hamels departed the game and then had to rush to the hospital after his wife went into labor. I hope the Hamels saved some of the placenta to share with the whole team. If you have never sampled placenta, you must. It tastes delightful on a Chicken in a Biskit.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 5, Boston Red Sox 0. The Angels appeared to solve their issues with the Red Sox, at least for one game (Boston has beaten Anaheim in three consecutive playoff series), as John Lackey pitched 7 1/3 innings of shutout ball, allowing only four singles. Torrii (the extra ‘i’ is for ‘incredible’) Hunter got the scoring started in the fifth inning with a mammoth three-run homer off BoSox lefthander Jon Lester. Kendry Morales added a two-run single in seventh, Darren Oliver retired all five batters he faced in relief and the Angels took a 1-0 series lead. Call it the power of the Rally Monkey, but have no fear, Boston fans. I’m pretty sure the Red Sox will have their own primitive primate of their own cheering them on when they return to Boston.