get it

In the spiritual successor to a soccer ball ricocheting into a goalie’s crotch, Borussia Dortmund’s defender Lukasz Piszczek slides to stop a goal and slides testes-first into the goal post.

It seems like such a horrifying thing to happen to a man, but in a world where a rugby player can rupture a testicle, play the rest of the game with said ruptured ball and make a bunch of jokes about it on Twitter, it doesn’t seem so bad. I probably shouldn’t hold everyone up to the impossible bar Paul Wood, but GET UP, SOCCER WIMP.

[h/t to Bob's Blitz, who are always on top of these soccer-in-the-nuts stories]

I have a running list of types of injuries that just sound horrible to me, and right at the top is a ruptured testicle. I’ve been kicked in the nuts before by some less-than-pleasant ladies, and on various occasions I have also experienced the unimaginable pain of sitting on the ol’ nads. (Ladies, I will never know what giving birth feels like, but you’ll also never know the pain of sitting on your marbles, so let’s call it even.) But I am fairly certain that if I ever ruptured one of my boys, I would not have much of a sense of humor about it.

However, that’s not the case with Warrington Wolves prop Paul Wood, whom I had never heard of before today because I am an ignorant American when it comes to rugby, but now consider a much, much braver and more grizzled man than I. During his team’s 26-18 loss to Leeds on Saturday, Wood not only experienced a ruptured testicle, but he played the entire game with the injury. And even after he went to the hospital and had the testicle removed, he joked with his fans on Twitter about it.

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The post we mean is his penis. (via Bob’s Blitz)

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While people want to turn video of Melissa Tancredi stepping on Carli Lloyd’s head into the next Zapruder film, I think the majority of us can agree that Argentina’s Facundo Campazzo blatantly hitting Carmelo Anthony in the nuts was one of the lowest points of Olympic competition. After all, there’s an unwritten law and a code among men that you should never smack another bro in the gooners unless it’s the absolute last resort. Campazzo did it because Chris Paul allegedly punched him earlier in that game, and that’s pretty much the ultimate bullsh*t excuse. Campazzo still hasn’t apologized to Anthony, but maybe he will apologize to his teammate Luis Scola when someone takes it out on him during an NBA game next season.

But we can stop talking about Campazzo now, because Nicolas Batum took the dick-punching cake today as he and Team France lost to Spain, 66-59. As you can see in the GIF above (Via Buzzfeed Sports) Batum absolutely wailed on Carlos Navarro’s turkey baster. At first I thought, “Well, Batum is probably punching at the ball.” But I was wrong, because Batum is both cheap and honest.

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Carmelo Anthony has single-handedly destroyed entire nations during the 2012 Summer Olympics, so it should come as no surprise that some countries would love to run up and punch him in the dick. That dream was made flesh during Team USA’s final group game against Argentina.

During the final seconds of the third-quarter — and the U.S. holding a comfortable 102-76 lead over their rivals— little Facundo Campazzo hit Anthony between the legs as the All-Pro forward drained a three-point shot.

Campazzo— who is the backup to the Knicks newly signed free agent Pablo Prigioni— claims that he did not intentionally hit Anthony.

After the game, Campazzo accused U.S. point guard Chris Paul of punching him in the first half. (via The Other Paper)

Ah, the old “I didn’t do it, but he started it” defense. The best part is the side story about Kobe Bryant getting mad at yelling at Campazzo in Spanish, causing the guy to apologize TO KOBE but not Melo. That’s just the way it goes, I guess. Here’s the clip, if you want to see the “confusion” of a guy purposefully punching somebody in the junk and telling us we imagined it.

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The best part is when the ball hits him in the dick. (via Reading Between The Seams)

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