Playing defense in soccer is about as thankless as it gets. You have to worry about passing lanes wearing those ridiculous socks, not to mention all that running! I get tired just watching it. Anyway, here’s a guy getting kicked in the balls. Seems like a nice lighthearted way to end a Monday. Come back tomorrow where we’ll show a video of a guy playing tetherball choking himself to death. It’s always funny when it happens someplace else in the world. That’s the beauty of living in an insulated first-world nation like America. It’s like a theme park, except you spend less time at the end of the day looking for your car. Well, slightly less.
Greg Robertson, an Australian diver spear-fishing off the continent’s southern coast, landed an unexpectedly large catch — himself! (How did I do? I’m practicing writing ledes for UK tabloids.) No, but seriously, he shot a two-meter spear directly into his groin.
[T]he 25 year old was pushed onto the speargun, which had been washed out of his hands by a wave. The two metre long spear pierced his inside upper thigh, just millimetres from his genitals and femoral artery, and lodged several centimetres under the skin…
“The spear’s barbed on the end, so it’s locked in there. He got up and said ‘It’s in me, it’s in me!” [a witness said.]
That’s what she said! Hey, I got a two-meter spear gun for your groin right here! At least, uh, I think I do. I’m not so good at metric conversion. Inches and meters are about the same, right?
Here's video (courtesy of AA) of one of the catching Molina brothers getting a Mariano Rivera fastball directly to the groin. Which one is this? Yadier? Bengie? What do you mean, "Jose"? There's a THIRD one? Well, with all those brothers we needn't worry too much about the Molina catcher DNA pool getting thinned out too much. Plus, he's a Yankee, so I'm fresh out of sympathy for him this morning.
In other testicular destruction-related baseball news, the Diamondbacks' Chris Snyder has been placed on the 15-day DL with a fractured testicle. Wait, I don't think I quite typed that correctly. I meant to write OH MY GOD A FRACTURED TESTICLE AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
DC United's Luciano Emilio Gonzalo Martinez took this laser from David Beckham directly to the groin during the second minute of yesterday's game at RFK, leaving the forward writhing on the pitch while Becks chuckled about destroying another man's genitalia. Which, when you think about it, is the only appropriate reaction.
[Update: basically, the rest of this post no longer makes sense.] However, the DC trainers must have poured some magic water down Emilio's shorts, because he stayed in the game to register two goals and an assist in United's 4-1 win over the Galaxy. Pretty impressive. I took a point-blank shot to the groin once while I was playing goalkeeper in an intramural league. Not only did I leave the game, I didn't even take a deep breath for the next week. I also cried myself to sleep that night. But, to be fair, that was more because I rented Finding Nemo.
Danny Granger scored a direct hit on Antawn Jamison's testicles last night, and the resulting nut shot isn't half as entertaining as the announcers' reactions, which include laughter followed by "That's not a laughing matter, actually," a perfectly in-unison "OOOOOHHH!" and the shattering insight of "That was a BULLS-EYE!"
Really, the only thing missing is, "And now let's go courtside to sideline reporter Nelson Muntz for his take. Nelson?"
In Florida, Grandview Prep senior guard Isaac Sosa took a knee to the groin while driving to the hoop against Miami-Choice last Saturday. In serious pain, Sosa nevertheless stayed in the game, hitting a clutch three to seal the win and send Grandview to the state Final Four. But that's just the beginning of the story.
Sosa's father, Carmelo, took the player to Boca Raton Community Hospital. An MRI on Sunday morning showed a fracture in the testicle and that part of it needed to be removed. Doctors told Sosa there still is a small chance that the entire testicle will need to be removed…
Sosa, who came home from the hospital Monday, can walk with assistance but he is under orders to remain in bed for the next couple of days.
That dude is hard-core. I admit, it must be an amazing feeling to hit a game-winning three-pointer in the state playoffs. An even more amazing feeling? Having both testicles.
