Fighters Luke Rockhold and Daniel Cormier took in a San Jose Earthquakes soccer game, palled around with the mascot a little and participated in the ceremonial First Goal, which is like the first pitch at a baseball game, but with your legs. As if guided by the hand of God himself, one of the kicks sent a soccer ball crashing into a big fuzzy blue guy’s genitals, and good lord, how would I not blog that?

UFC fighter Luke Rockhold didn’t score the ceremonial “First Goal” at the San Jose Earthquakes’ match vs. Vancouver Whitecaps FC, but he did leave his mark by drilling club mascot ‘Q’ in the groin. Fellow UFC fighter Daniel Cormier did find the net with his attempt.

More like Luke Cuckold, am I right?

Daniel Cormier’s next stop is his UFC debut against Frank Mir at UFC on Fox 7 on April 20. Rockhold’s next stop is his UFC debut against Vitor Belfort at May’s UFC on FX 8. Q’s next stop is the infirmary, assuming they have some kind of mascot version of that, and assuming the mascot infirmary is mature enough to repair a dude’s junk.

[h/t to Maggie at Cagewriter]

Oklahoma City Thunder forward Serge Ibaka has some anger issues. See also: that time he tried to rip off Mike Dunleavy’s arm. He’s the kind of guy where if somebody came up to you and said “Serge Ibaka just flagrantly punched a dude in the nuts during a professional basketball game,” you’d be all, heh, classic Serge.

If you missed it earlier in the week, Ibaka got called for a flagrant 1 foul late in the fourth in OKC’s 108-104 victory over the LA Clippers for, without grace or mercy or subterfuge, hauling off and whaling on Blake Griffin’s nuts. Everybody has an opinion about it. Kendrick Perkins thinks Griffin deserved it because he flops a lot, and that it should’ve been a “double foul.” Kobe Bryant says he probably would’ve smacked Ibaka in the mouth.

The one constant has been the assumption that Ibaka would get suspended, because seriously, watch the video. Griffin isn’t flopping, he got punched in the junk by a guy whose Eagle Claw could rip a hole in steel. News of the punishment came in yesterday afternoon, and sure enough, Serge was suspended for … wait, he wasn’t? Really?

The NBA announced Tuesday that Ibaka’s foul was upgraded to a flagrant 2 and he was fined $25,000 for striking Griffin in the groin area, but Ibaka was not suspended.

Before the ruling was handed down, Griffin said he didn’t “see how it could be let go” by the league with only a fine.

“I’m not going to cry,” Griffin said after practice Tuesday. “I’m not going to complain.” (via LA Times)

Griffin handled the situation as well as anybody could, but achieved legendary status for last night’s tweet, which cuts to the heart of the matter while remaining light-hearted and brand-conscious:

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Hi, professional athletes. I’m just going to assume that you all are reading this, because why wouldn’t you? Recently, I wrote an award-winning piece about the 20 sports moments that I believed had truly transcended all others this year, and everyone from the Pulitzer committee to several bisexual Penthouse Pets agreed that it was the best thing they’d ever read. They especially appreciated the very first moment (No. 20) that I mentioned, which was Nicolas Batum punching an opponent in the balls as hard as he could.

Batum, of course, famously tried to justify his testicular attack by accusing Team Spain of flopping and intentionally losing a game to Brazil so they didn’t have to play Team USA. Even if that’s true – and it probably is – that is no excuse to hit another man in the testicles. That brings us to last night, when Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade kicked Ramon Sessions in the balls on purpose and received no punishment for it.

Now let’s go to the video.

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Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with Kate Upton.

It is not an easy task to put together a list, such as the Greatest Sports Moments of 2012, specifically because so many things happen in any given year that it’s all but impossible to universally gauge which one event or person is greater than another. But since we’re just a couple dudes who like to make fun of stuff and almost always ignore actual sports news, it’s really quite easy.

With that said, here’s a quick breakdown of how our team of fact checkers and sports analyst number crunchers determine which people, places and things were the most important and influential in 2012…

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OH GOD I JUST READ MY OWN HEADLINE

Ray Elbe — you may remember him from season 9 of ‘The Ultimate Fighter — suffered an injury that no man should have to suffer. If the headline didn’t make you gag and step away from the computer, here’s the nicest way I can put it … he was having sex with his girlfriend, slipped out of her as she was going up, then suffered the consequences as she was coming down. And by “consequences” I mean SHE BROKE HIS PENIS IN HALF.

“I ended up fracturing my penis bone … I tore the urinary tract, tore some membrane — as it happened you can imagine the shock and the horror that was going on,” Elbe said in the video. “I jumped up from the intimate moment, blood shooting out of my groin. I immediately tried to run to the shower, felt myself losing consciousness, tried to walk back to the bed at which point I collapsed, knocking myself out. I gave myself 10 stitches and fractured a couple teeth.”

Elbe wrote about the situation (pretty accurately described as “as close to death as you can come without dying”) on his blog, MagicalRay.com, and if there’s ever been a time to NOT end a sentence with LOL, it’s this one:

This is probably the worst nightmare you can think of. The biggest problem people suffering from this medical emergency encounter…is not immediately seeking medical attention … I hope my story helps someone with a similar injury in some way…as this experience is truly something you would never wish on anyone..lol

Nobody is laughing.

[h/t (or should that be a d/t?) to Larry Brown Sports]

I almost called him “The Ndamukong Suh Of Football.” Remember when Suh fell down and his leg just happened to float straight up into the air, find itself directly in front of Matt Schaub’s junk and kick “for stability” because it’d become sentient and detached from the rest of Suh’s body?

Meet Pepe, the hobby horse Portuguese professional footballer for Real Madrid who has similar magic nut-crushing leg problems. Here we see him getting frustrated and kung-fu kicking backwards, accidentally stomping Celta Vigo’s Soto Roberto Lago in the dick. I’m sure he didn’t meant to do it — I don’t think soccer players would ever intentionally hurt one another — but hey, sometimes your leg’s brain goes AWOL and makes it boondoggle the nearest pair of balls.

If he didn’t do it on purpose, my theory is that he was going for this:

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