So it turns out that Wild Turkey football-picking turkey Jimmy Junior is full of shit. On Wednesday, we shared the video of him picking the NFL’s Thanksgiving day games … he picked Detroit over Houston (Houston won 34-31 in overtime) and Dallas over Washington (Washington controlled the entire game and won 38-31). His only correct pick was New England over New York, and I don’t want to throw shade at a prognosticating animal, but Paul The Psychic Octopus could’ve called that one, and he’s dead.

I think I speak for everyone when I say the highlight of the Patriots/Jets game was Mark Sanchez running into his own lineman’s ass for no reason, fumbling the ball and giving up a touchdown. It was one of the most inexplicably pathetic things I’ve ever seen on a football field, including the time in 10th grade when I went out for a pass, got wide open, got too confident and tripped over my own feet about 20 yards ahead of the ball. At least I didn’t leave my faceprint in somebody’s buttcrack.

There isn’t a lot to be said that wasn’t covered in the KSK live thread for the game, so instead, here are my ten favorite YouTube comments from Ass Fumble-Gate.

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Two disclaimers before you watch this video:

1. It is pretty disgusting, and while I wouldn’t necessarily call it NSFW, it can be nausea-inducing for anyone squeamish about blood.

2. I’m pretty sure it was filmed with a calculator.

If you’re okay with all that, here’s what you’re watching: Brazilian soccer player Chicao (which is difficult to type without just typing “Chicago” and backspacing) gets elbowed, gets busted open, wipes his blood on the face of the guy who elbowed him and gets suspended. Fair enough.

Chicao said he got upset when he realized that he had a cut above his eye after being elbowed in the face by Esley as they challenged for the ball. He got up and put his bloodied hand on Esley’s face.

The incident ignited a brawl that involved players from both teams and led to Chicao and Esley being sent off.

The tribunal suspended Esley for five matches for the elbowing.

My first instinct is to tag this with Reasons To Hate Soccer, but I’m reconsidering. It’s actually pretty awesome. Imagine how great it would’ve been if Joe Theismann had gotten up on one foot and rubbed his noodle leg in Lawrence Taylor’s face? The guy would be a legend.

[h/t to It's Always Sunny In Detroit]

What’s a volleyball double kill, you say? It’s when a well-placed spike gives an opposing player a concussion, then ricochets into the stands and takes out a fan. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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Links

Pete Campbell Gets Punched In The Face A Lot In Real Life, Too |Warming Glow|

Behold, The Kinda-Racist Rockford IceHogs ‘Los IceHogs’ Poncho Hockey Jersey |With Leather|

Long Live The Wave: Chase N. Cashe’s 13 Favorite Max B. & Stack Bundles Songs |Smoking Section|

Jay Cutler Aware The Internet Makes Fun Of Him |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

‘Save the Date’ has those pretty girls you like |Film Drunk|

The Conan O’Brien Halo 4 Easter Egg |Unreality|

How It Should Have Ended: Casino Royale |High Definite|

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Here are some great jokes about this video of a shifty series of events at a women’s college soccer match, assuming you are a total asshole:

1. What a crazy looking kitchen! It’s full of grass and people playing soccer!
2. “C’mon it’s not like she hasn’t had balls in her face before…”
3. She throws like a girl!
4. something else about kitchens

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I hope you enjoy one of the most spectacularly dirty plays I’ve ever seen, and a living exercise in one player not being able to figure out how to get her face the hell away from the ball. She’s throwing it at your head over and over, pay attention! Or shit, worse case scenario, kick her in the chest with your shin when she jogs by to chat with the ref. Zidane her. Do something besides just standing there holding your head like a goon.

All joking aside, I think we can all agree that the lady chucking soccer balls at peoples’ faces in the history’s most low-stakes game is the worst person and the best ever at soccer.

[h/t to OTBS]

Here’s an NFL ref taking a slow, harmless lob of a football to the face from Washington Redskins tight end Logan Paulsen and selling it like someone had just shot him in the face. Shake it off, buddy! (via Outside The Boxscore)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

If You Vote On Election Day, Will Ferrell Will Do ANYTHING For You |UPROXX|

‘SNL’ Recap: Louis C.K. And Fun. |Warming Glow|

Christoph Waltz And The Muppets? Yes Please! |Film Drunk|

Ryan Lochte Wants You To Buy A Nissan, Bro |With Leather|

Behold, The Taco Cannon! |Gamma Squad|

10 Songs Swizz Beatz Ruined |Smoking Section|

Sexy Friday Gets A Special Submission |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

11 Reasons Why The NBA Is Going To Be Fun As Hell To Watch This Year |Buzzfeed|

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Last Friday night, 9-0 Placer high school of Auburn, California defeated 4-5 Colfax 24-7 in a much-hyped revenge game, and that’s fun because, Yay sports! But the real entertainment was actually provided by a random shirtless bro who stumbled onto to the high school football field at some point, because he had a bottle of water and wanted to make sure everybody saw how well he could pour it all out. Either that, or he’s a viral fashion marketer and he wanted everyone to see his hot, new style – belt-off low-rise jeans. Those are the only possible reasons I can think of as to why this bro would walk on to a football field during a game.

Well, I guess maybe he could just be an a-hole. Either way, he’s an a-hole in a lot of pain, because as you’ll see in the video after the jump, there’s pretty much only one response you should expect if people think you’re threatening them at a high school.

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