Four members of the U.S.'s indoor cycling team arrived in Beijing wearing protective masks the other day, somehow causing a stir in the press.  Call this a hunch, but the masks may have had something to do with Beijing looking like this and even having pollution indoors.

In what has to be one of the biggest dick moves in Olympic history, the U.S. Olympic Committee apologized to the Chinese for the cyclists' actions — even though the USOC designed the masks, distributed them, and instructed American athletes to wear them. 

"It wasn't the best judgment [on the cyclists' part]," said Jim Scherr, CEO of the USOC. "The athletes understand that now."

What a cockamamie load of horse shit.  Hey China, you want an apology?  Sorry your country has fiberglass in the air.  Sorry your citizens all smoke to get a refreshing break from the normal air.  Sorry you bitches get butt-hurt about your disgusting amounts of pollution. 

If anyone reading this is in China, feel free to take an American flag and choke the shit out of Jim Scherr or USOC Chairman Peter Ueberroth with it.  The practice may have fallen out of fashion since the Cold War ended, but Americans will still cheer for gruesome vigilantism towards communist turncoats.

[Selena Roberts for SI] 

All you Internet viral video directors need to pay attention here.  Not only am I in the business of finding clips of people hurting their faces, I'm also a connoisseur.  I appreciate the art that goes into filming a dumbass failing at a stunt that he had no hope of performing successfully.  So when I say "more slo-mo" and less "victim not writhing in pain," I expect you people to listen and modify as necessary.  You think viewers want to see the rider sit up uninjured?  Hell no.  Edit that shit out.  Only keep the camera running if they're writhing in pain and/or bloody.

For those not familiar with Critical Mass, it's a semi-regular event in cities for cyclists who want to assert their right to the road.  And while the Critical Mass website claims "CM is intended to be a celebration, not an opportunity to cause trouble. Those who want to try to tie up traffic as much as possible and be confrontational with motorists are missing the point," that message is often lost to many of the cyclists. Probably because a lot of cyclists are absolute dickheads.

Still, that doesn't necessarily justify a cop singling out a rider and slamming him into the pavement.

A rookie NYPD cop was stripped of his badge and gun Monday after a stunning video caught him slamming a bicyclist to the ground in an apparent unprovoked attack. Officer Patrick Pogan, 22, of the Midtown South Precinct, was bounced to desk duty soon after the video of Friday's incident in Times Square appeared on YouTube…

Critical Mass and Time's Up! – which advocate for environmental issues with the monthly protest ride – have long complained about NYPD harassment. Police officials said the groups disrupt traffic and lack permits. "Cyclists here already face enough obstacles – law enforcement shouldn't be one of them," said City Councilman David Yassky (D-Brooklyn), a supporter of biker rights.

I agree.  Cops shouldn't have to injure cyclists during Critical Mass events.  That's for angry motorists to do.  We need more grassroots vigilantism to keep those bastards in their place.  That place being sprawled out on the sidewalk.

[Busted Coverage] 

Here's a totally extreme mountain biker extremely crashing his face into the dirt before he extremely gets his spine compressed by a tree.  I really hope he's okay.  Because I love to laugh at people falling off bicycles, but I'd feel bad about making fun of him if he ended up a quadriplegic.  Not saying I wouldn't do it, just that I'd feel bad about it.  I do have a heart, you know.  I mean, I won't give a homeless person change, but I will set them on fire if they're cold.

Three weeks of people riding bicycles came to an end yesterday, as the Tour de France's riders rolled down the Champs-Élysées like Wehrmacht Panzers.  Spaniard Carlos Sastre of Team CSC won the sport's marquee event, while Aussie Cadel Evans placed second, followed by Austrian Bernard Kohl.

The biggest story of the 2008 Tour, however, was the crackdown on testing for blood-doping and other performance enhancers.  Yes, it's possible to think of this race as "marred" by the four positive tests that have been revealed thus far, but the circumspect fan will realize that this is a necessary growing pain for the sport to regain its fans' trust.

Nah just kidding.  I'm not even sure cycling fans exist.  Like, I've heard about them, but I've never seen one.  So they're kinda like the tooth fairy, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or a stripper who gives free lap dances.

There are many reasons you should never consider cycling as a desirable pursuit. Chief among them, besides the fact that it earns you the admiration of the French, is that the sports inflicts a hefty toll on your man regions. Hoping to counteract that, a pharmaceutical scientist designed for cyclist Dave Zabriskie a balm "to reduce and relieve chafing, irritation, and protect fragile perineal skin".

Then he got a 13-year-old (or Dr. Dre) to name the stuff.

Marketed with an entreaty to "protect your junk," dznuts spokesscrotum Zabriskie describes its necessity thusly:

“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

Get it!? Because the perineum is the taint. Or grundel, depending on your preference in slang terms for the area between your balls and your ass crack. So, yeah, buy the stuff or you'll be DISGRUNDELED! HEY-O!!! Hey marketing department, there's a freebee! Next one's $100.

[Deuce of Davenport]