Apparently tired of jet-setting around and nailing whichever hot young Hollyood tail is presented to him (like Jake Gyllenhaal or Matthew McConaughey), Lance Armstrong will return to cycling for the 2009 Tour de France.  He will be 37.

But the man left the sport after beating cancer and then winning seven straight Tours without ever getting busted for doping — despite rumors to the contrary.  It was the perfect ending.  Why would he return now?  (Don’t say revenge don’t say revenge don’t say revenge…)

Armstrong told Vanity Fair that “revenge” against those who think he used performance-enhancing drugs is part of his motivation.

Don’t get me wrong, I think revenge is absolutely the best reason to do anything, but he’s placed himself in a situation where anything less than a victory is a complete failure.  That kind of pressure is partly why my parents and I no longer speak.  Although why they wanted me to win the Tour de France, I have no idea.

Rick Lee is an Australian cycling coach who is charged with raping a 15-year-old girl in Pennsylvania. Well, rape, plus a list of charges that reads like my last weekend in Las Vegas:

Lee is charged with rape, statutory rape, burglary, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, aggravated indecent assault, indecent assault and indecent exposure.

Interestingly, Lee’s attorney unveiled some interesting evidence about the victim:

During cross examination, she admitted to setting up [an] on-line profile where she claimed to be 18, a nurse as well as a student at Penn State University studying to be a brain surgeon.

Ah, finally I have an answer to the riddle that I couldn’t solve!  “What’s sexier than an 18-year-old undergrad nurse?” A 15-year-old pretending to be one.

At first glimpse this mountain biking face plant doesn't appear to be that spectacular.  But the appearance of a bloody face at the :16 mark improves things dramatically, while the slow-motion scream in agony at the end of the video is easily the highlight.  It's like a surprisingly smooth finish to a wine that you thought was too young at first.  Does anyone get that metaphor?  No?  Well then, it's like a nice Pabst chaser after a shot of El Chico.  There.  Adjusted to fit the demographic.

(thanks to Buck) 

Four members of the U.S.'s indoor cycling team arrived in Beijing wearing protective masks the other day, somehow causing a stir in the press.  Call this a hunch, but the masks may have had something to do with Beijing looking like this and even having pollution indoors.

In what has to be one of the biggest dick moves in Olympic history, the U.S. Olympic Committee apologized to the Chinese for the cyclists' actions — even though the USOC designed the masks, distributed them, and instructed American athletes to wear them. 

"It wasn't the best judgment [on the cyclists' part]," said Jim Scherr, CEO of the USOC. "The athletes understand that now."

What a cockamamie load of horse shit.  Hey China, you want an apology?  Sorry your country has fiberglass in the air.  Sorry your citizens all smoke to get a refreshing break from the normal air.  Sorry you bitches get butt-hurt about your disgusting amounts of pollution. 

If anyone reading this is in China, feel free to take an American flag and choke the shit out of Jim Scherr or USOC Chairman Peter Ueberroth with it.  The practice may have fallen out of fashion since the Cold War ended, but Americans will still cheer for gruesome vigilantism towards communist turncoats.

[Selena Roberts for SI] 

All you Internet viral video directors need to pay attention here.  Not only am I in the business of finding clips of people hurting their faces, I'm also a connoisseur.  I appreciate the art that goes into filming a dumbass failing at a stunt that he had no hope of performing successfully.  So when I say "more slo-mo" and less "victim not writhing in pain," I expect you people to listen and modify as necessary.  You think viewers want to see the rider sit up uninjured?  Hell no.  Edit that shit out.  Only keep the camera running if they're writhing in pain and/or bloody.

For those not familiar with Critical Mass, it's a semi-regular event in cities for cyclists who want to assert their right to the road.  And while the Critical Mass website claims "CM is intended to be a celebration, not an opportunity to cause trouble. Those who want to try to tie up traffic as much as possible and be confrontational with motorists are missing the point," that message is often lost to many of the cyclists. Probably because a lot of cyclists are absolute dickheads.

Still, that doesn't necessarily justify a cop singling out a rider and slamming him into the pavement.

A rookie NYPD cop was stripped of his badge and gun Monday after a stunning video caught him slamming a bicyclist to the ground in an apparent unprovoked attack. Officer Patrick Pogan, 22, of the Midtown South Precinct, was bounced to desk duty soon after the video of Friday's incident in Times Square appeared on YouTube…

Critical Mass and Time's Up! – which advocate for environmental issues with the monthly protest ride – have long complained about NYPD harassment. Police officials said the groups disrupt traffic and lack permits. "Cyclists here already face enough obstacles – law enforcement shouldn't be one of them," said City Councilman David Yassky (D-Brooklyn), a supporter of biker rights.

I agree.  Cops shouldn't have to injure cyclists during Critical Mass events.  That's for angry motorists to do.  We need more grassroots vigilantism to keep those bastards in their place.  That place being sprawled out on the sidewalk.

[Busted Coverage]