Just as I’m willing to be impressed with the vertical agility of this kid in the blue sweatshirt (who’s probably not Welker’s kid, to be honest), this other turd comes outta nowhere and takes his legs out from under him. Which is a horrible thing to do to any one of your friends, unless you get it on tape, which this little bastard did. And then Troy Polamalu threw him some guy’s shirt in the tunnel and three days later Roger Goodell fined him $25,000. He can afford it; look at that house! via.

On 205th knows that if you’re jumping over any body of water, there’s one rule and one rule only: Don’t come up short! Actually, there is a second rule, don’t wear a green shirt. Especially one that’s battery powered like this one. It’s one thing to crack your sternum and teeth into concrete and brick; it’s quite another to get electrocuted when you fall back into the pool. Sorry to lead off with a video today; if you’re looking for ankle-grabbing analysis, you can read my Donte’ Stallworth piece on KSK.

It may not be unveiled next week, but the word is that Armstrong is involved in a possible buyout of Tour organisers Amaury Sport Organisation from its parent company the Amaury Group.

Furthermore, Armstrong may saddle up in the deal with Hein Verbruggen – the former president and now vice-president of cycling’s world body, the Union Cycliste Internationale. Some say it may be an Armstrong-UCI deal.

Remember how pissed off the French were an American — a Texan, no less — won their precious race seven years in a row?  Remember how they actually lined the streets to hurl insults at him, and how the French newspapers constantly accused him of doping even though he was never caught?  Yeah.  This should go over well.

You know, part of me thinks Lance might still be a little pissed about that stuff.  It must be nice to be that rich.  “Wait, they said what about me?  Well, find what their biggest source of national pride and buy it.  Also, adopt their children.  I want to raise them in my own image.”

[Sports by Brooks]

Several dozen people were racing motorcycles at 140 mph on a track in Rome with tight turns, and shockingly, two people — Max Biaggi and Kenan Sufuolu — bumped into each other.  Then they regained control of their respective bikes and said, “Phew!  That was a close one!”

Naw just kidding.  Their motorcycles flipped along the ground, and they went flying through the air at about one-fifth the speed of sound before sliding and rolling along pavement.  And I know what you’re asking: Are they dead? Are they dead?  Huh?  Huh huh huh?

Biaggi clipped the back of Troy Corser, causing him to high-side and collect Kenan Sofuoglu. Despite the high-speed impact, Biaggi was nonetheless able to walk away from the smash unharmed.

Man, that’s disappointing.  Although I, for one, see this as a good excuse to clip a motorcyclist the next time they drive between lanes when I’m stopped in traffic.  Assholes.

[The Sporting Blog]

All right, news cycle: I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.  But you better start churning out some athlete arrests and sexy coaching scandals and cheerleader pudding wrestling leagues, or I’m going to be forced to do an image gallery of Marisa Miller wearing thigh-highs.

…

Nothing, eh?  All right, FINE.  Then Marisa Miller pictures it shall be.  She has a bike, you see.  Thus, it is relevant to the world of sports.  In fact, a recent study conducted by my boner found her to be the most compelling figure in the cycling world.  Even bigger than that one guy.  You know, whatshisface.  White guy, always riding a bike?

[NS4W -- note: link has NSFW ads]

Jim Litz said he was traveling about 25 mph Monday morning when he came upon a rise and spotted a black bear about 10 feet in front of him. He didn’t have time to stop and T-boned the bruin.

He tumbled over the handlebars, his helmet hit the bear’s back and the two went cartwheeling down the road.

The bear rolled over Litz’s head, cracking his helmet, and scratched his back before scampering up a hill above the road.

A funnier thing would have been if the bear had been riding the bicycle.  I saw that at the circus when I was young.  Mom and Dad cleaned the elephant cage, and I sold tickets.

(Photo: AP/Michael Gallacher, “Ouch my spleen”)

But the man left the sport after beating cancer and then winning seven straight Tours without ever getting busted for doping — despite rumors to the contrary.  It was the perfect ending.  Why would he return now?  (Don’t say revenge don’t say revenge don’t say revenge…)

Armstrong told Vanity Fair that “revenge” against those who think he used performance-enhancing drugs is part of his motivation.

Don’t get me wrong, I think revenge is absolutely the best reason to do anything, but he’s placed himself in a situation where anything less than a victory is a complete failure.  That kind of pressure is partly why my parents and I no longer speak.  Although why they wanted me to win the Tour de France, I have no idea.

Lee is charged with rape, statutory rape, burglary, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, aggravated indecent assault, indecent assault and indecent exposure.

Interestingly, Lee’s attorney unveiled some interesting evidence about the victim:

During cross examination, she admitted to setting up [an] on-line profile where she claimed to be 18, a nurse as well as a student at Penn State University studying to be a brain surgeon.

Ah, finally I have an answer to the riddle that I couldn’t solve!  “What’s sexier than an 18-year-old undergrad nurse?” A 15-year-old pretending to be one.

At first glimpse this mountain biking face plant doesn't appear to be that spectacular.  But the appearance of a bloody face at the :16 mark improves things dramatically, while the slow-motion scream in agony at the end of the video is easily the highlight.  It's like a surprisingly smooth finish to a wine that you thought was too young at first.  Does anyone get that metaphor?  No?  Well then, it's like a nice Pabst chaser after a shot of El Chico.  There.  Adjusted to fit the demographic.

(thanks to Buck) 

Four members of the U.S.'s indoor cycling team arrived in Beijing wearing protective masks the other day, somehow causing a stir in the press.  Call this a hunch, but the masks may have had something to do with Beijing looking like this and even having pollution indoors.

In what has to be one of the biggest dick moves in Olympic history, the U.S. Olympic Committee apologized to the Chinese for the cyclists' actions — even though the USOC designed the masks, distributed them, and instructed American athletes to wear them. 

"It wasn't the best judgment [on the cyclists' part]," said Jim Scherr, CEO of the USOC. "The athletes understand that now."

What a cockamamie load of horse shit.  Hey China, you want an apology?  Sorry your country has fiberglass in the air.  Sorry your citizens all smoke to get a refreshing break from the normal air.  Sorry you bitches get butt-hurt about your disgusting amounts of pollution. 

If anyone reading this is in China, feel free to take an American flag and choke the shit out of Jim Scherr or USOC Chairman Peter Ueberroth with it.  The practice may have fallen out of fashion since the Cold War ended, but Americans will still cheer for gruesome vigilantism towards communist turncoats.

[Selena Roberts for SI]