A man who served as translator for Osama Bin Laden, one of the most notorious terrorists in the history of the world and possibly beyond, wrote in a letter that there was indeed one event that he believed to be worse than the attacks of 9/11. That event? The Decision.

With perhaps the best headline of the year – “Former translator for terror leader Osama bin Laden wants LeBron James to apologize to Cleveland” – NewsNet5 reports:

In a declassified letter to the Washington Times, Muhammad Rahim wrote, “Lebron James is a very bad man. He should apologize to the city of Cleveland.”

The Post got the letter from Carlos Warner, a lawyer representing Rahim. According to the paper’s column, Warner said Rahim’s sentiments made about James leaving the Cavs are because of his client’s tribal values, in which loyalty is most important and “betrayals are not tolerated or forgiven.”

A lot has changed since the Decision – including Dwight Howard blowing James away in the total a-hole department – but I’d say we’ve finally reached the apex of absurdity when it comes to just how seriously people took it, no matter how hilarious this story is.

And it gets better. Rahim, who is currently living it up at the posh and swanky Guantanamo Bay resort, also wrote that he was jealous of another “resident” of Gitmo for having a cat. So Rahim wanted a cat, too. Sadly, that cat also turned out to be a terrorist and it was handled accordingly…

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Hi everyone, this is special guest columnist LeBron James. I play of Miami Heat. I am barely read! Here are a bunch of links about me, LeBron James, and stay tuned for a sneak peak of my new cartoon “ProStars,” where Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson take a break from crime fighting to talk to each other at length about how great “King” LeBron “the King” James is. There are live action video bumpers for commercials. In one, Bo says he “knows” LeBron! LOL

I hope you like the basketball I’ve performed. Love, LeBron James. [dictated but not read]

Sports

LeBron James Spends Over $100,000 In Night Club - …complete with the receipt. This seems like an extravagant, arrogant thing to do, but it turns out the “night club” was a Six Flags and LeBron was just trying to order a burger and fries. [Urban Daily]

Anti-LeBron Billboard Erected in Chicago - As someone who spent a few years being made a “witness” by Cleveland’s obsession with colossal billboards, I appreciate Chicago’s efforts, even if it barely makes sense and looks like it was put together with the clip art and fonts available to the fat lady in Human Resources. Chicago! Beat LeBron! We have no opinion on the rest of the Heat. Love, Billboard. [Hoop Doctors]

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I promise that I want to get something up on the site today that isn’t a weekend recap or a picture of Osama Bin Laden with OBAMA’D in big white letters at the bottom, but today is officially Did You Hear About Osama Day in America. Maybe if I was blogging from Kenya I could report futbol news and a funny video of a busty lady tripping and falling down while crossing the veldt, but no, baseball happened and then we killed a guy.

This week’s Baseball is Boring takes a xenophobic approach to the national pastime, wherein I resort to a combination of CTRL+X and CTRL+V for my USA chants and question the authenticity of Jose Bautista’s birth certificate. I’m sorry, his steroids certificate.

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In what some are calling the most American video ever imagined, pro wrestler and unstoppable WASPy goofball John Cena wins the WWE Championship in a steel cage match, then gets on the microphone and announces the capture and death of Osama Bin Laden to an arena full of hooting wrestling fans. The best part is watching wrestling fans react to a culturally significant moment in our national history in the same way they would’ve if Cena had been suddenly interrupted by the Ultimate Warrior. WHAT? WHAT? HOLY SH** HOLY SH**

As a wrestling fan, I find it thematically appropriate that Cena got to announce the capture of a guy we spent ten years not being able to see. I do kinda wish the Miz had retained the championship, just to see him standing on the table, doing that lean-forward semi-whisper about how EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN DOUBTED HIM but now Osama is dead and the Miz is STILL THE W. W. E. CHAMPION.

I spent a few minutes trying to come up with jokes about how this video could be more rurally American, and outside of a monster truck entrance (possibly on the roof) and Cena handing out hot dogs, I came up short. Maybe tonight’s Raw will open with Vince McMahon triumphantly announcing that he’s captured and killed the guy behind GTV.

In case you go to bed early and a sports comedy blog is the first thing you see or hear when you wake up, Osama Bin Laden has been killed by U.S. forces. This should make a lot of people feel much better about not being able to go to a doctor or get married or find a job. Somewhere Prince William is sitting around pissed, kicking his feet, complaining about how he only got like two days to be the most important thing in the world.

Because “dancing on grave of monster” is the only thing anybody’s going to be Googling for today (sorry, Kate), I’ll stand at the bottom of this website and direct you to political stories of interest. Note: whatever you do, don’t search for “Osama” on Twitter. You will die.

Osama Bin Linken

What I Did Instead - Jason Fry knocks it out of the park (baseball reference) with his honest and touching thoughts on 9/11, and how the New York Mets sometimes actually have something to do with something. [Faith and Fear]

Pakistani Man Live Tweets Attack on Bin Laden - He didn’t know what he was doing at the time, but Sohaib Athar of Pakistan (pockiston) accidentally Live Twought about helicopters and bomb blasts in Abbottabad. Read about him, then follow some links and read about a guy who eats tampons. [BroBible]

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