"See? Forks are much nicer than pointy sticks."

The NBA trade deadline has passed (kind of) with no blockbusters as sort of expected, depending on which side of the Dwight Howard fence you were sitting. But Howard ended up finally signing his ETO to play for the Orlando Magic through next season (hooray for 365 more days of speculation) which means that most other teams just went business as usual, including Howard’s biggest suitor – the New Jersey Nets.

Leading up to Howard’s decision *groan* it was rumored that the Nets were possibly willing to sweeten their deal for the game’s best center by including MarShon Brooks, two draft picks and even Kris Humphries, if the former Mr. Kardashian would be willing to waive his no-trade clause. And I almost missed his outstanding remark about being traded, but thankfully my favorite Klingon tipster didn’t.

“Would you jump off a bridge?” Humphries asked reporters who inquired about his willingness to waive the no-trade. “It depends how high the water is (or) if there was a drowning baby in the water. I mean, because you (might) jump off in the summer, if it was warm out, (and) you know the water was deep underneath.

“It’s all circumstantial, is the point I’m trying to make,” he said. (Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

I’m really glad he pointed out that he was trying to make a point, because I would have had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about. At least it’s nice to know that he’d consider jumping off a bridge to save a drowning baby if it was warm enough outside and the water was deep enough. Because, seriously, I’m sick and tired of babies that drown in shallow water and put my body at risk. That’s just selfish.

In related news, Humphries’ ex, Kim Kardashian, is suing a Mexican plastic surgeon for using an image of her in a bikini on a billboard that is currently posted near the California/Mexico border.

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In case you missed it last night, Dwight Howard had one of the more remarkable games in his career as the Orlando Magic had their most remarkable win of the season. The Magic overcame a 14-point halftime deficit that was the result of a 20-0 Miami Heat run in the second quarter to defeat their in-state rivals 104-98 in overtime. Howard posted 24 points and 25 rebounds to lead his band of merry just-not-good-enoughers to their third straight win. And that’s where the fun ends.

During last night’s game, a Dwight Howard New Jersey Nets shirt (above) was briefly available on NBA.com, and after the game, ESPN had a very peculiar description for Howard’s effort and the importance of that game.

Howard is currently with the Magic in San Antonio, so if it was his Orlando finale, the Magic are getting as much mileage out of him as possible. Leading up to last night’s game, the Twitters were alive with the sounds of rumors that the Magic were part of a threeway deal with the Milwaukee Bucks and Golden State Warriors that would land them Monta Ellis, one of Howard’s preferred additions, but that was shot to poop when the Bucks and Warriors kicked the Magic out of bed and just had themselves a two-way.

Meanwhile, Howard was asked after his team’s win if he wants to be traded before tomorrow’s deadline and his response was: “I told the team I want to stay and finish the season.” He also said that the Magic could then roll the dice on him in the offseason, to which LeBron James responded, “Yo Cleveland, check out this assh*le!”

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I don’t know if Ray William Johnson invented that YouTube “edit 3 times in the same sentence so I jump around the screen” thing, but I’m blaming it for him anyway. This video would’ve benefitted from a little “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”. [via Sportress]

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Links

What Was In LeBron’s Tiny Purse? - I hope it was a spy kit. I hate LeBron as much as the next guy, but I need to let somebody else write about “Pursegate”. [Smoking Section]

5 Movies Us Nerds Painfully Underrate - “Us nerds” reminds me of when Zack Morris said “us kids” don’t want oil drilling at bayside. Anyway, I really must be a nerd, because I think all 5 of these blow. [Gamma Squad]

A Comprehensive Guide To Amber Tamblyn’s Next Level Email Prank On Tyrese Gibson - She showed him a bunch of screenplays, then said ‘Joan of Arcadia’ was a thing that got produced and put on TV for two seasons. [UPROXX]

The Smiths + Nintendo’s ‘Super Mario Brothers’ = ‘Super Morrissey Bros.’ - Adding Morrissey to anything makes it better. You could add Morrissey to an Enzyte commercial and it’d instantly be the greatest thing on television. [UPROXX]

LEGO May Have Spoiled The Villains In The Avengers - This isn’t really a spoiler, but if Namor OR Fin Fang Foom show up in this movie I’m going to lose my mind. I’m not too old to mark out for Fin Fang Foom. [Film Drunk]

Megan Fox Isn’t Allowed to Watch ‘Beverly Hills 90210′ - Now she’ll never know whether or not Donna Martin Graduates. Pretty cool idea to marry someone who won’t “allow” you to do things, Megan! [Warming Glow]

Women Flirting With Urkel Over Twitter - Don’t get excited, it’s just Myra with multiple accounts. [Buzzfeed]

Classic Movies Subtitled For Bros - I want a version of The Fountain where it spends 5 minutes with “Finish it, bro” at the bottom. [HuffPost Comedy]

‘The Artist’ Star Uggie the Dog is the New Nintendo Spokesdog - Better than Reggie. Nintendo should make a dog you can control by waving at it. [The FW]

The Greatest Fictional TV Couple That Will Never Ever Exist | The 2011 Fun Oscars - If this isn’t a link to the fictional hookup of Annie Edison and Trudy Campbell, I’m not interested. [Pajiba]

Three Kinds of Movie/TV Characters Who Actually Need Smartphones - To the credit of the people on Breaking Bad, they live in New Mexico. Going to West Texas is what they consider a “promotion”. Of course they don’t have real phones. [Unreality]

Someone Racked Up a Hefty $323,000 Bar Tab at a Liverpool Nightclub - 42 Pussy @ 3.00. Sounds like the waitstaff at my old Olive Garden. [Brobible]

At least he’s not doing Fudgie the Whale. Eesh.

Burnsy has spent a lot of time writing about the hows, whens and whys of Dwight Howard eventual/suddenly leaving the Orlando Magic, so much so that his photoshop of Howard Superman-dunking with a suitcase is nearly as old as my editorship. So it’s somewhat fitting to know that while the good people of Orlando are busy writing and performing desperate anthems to keep Howard in town, Dwight is using his remaining time with the Magic to the fullest, i.e. trying to eat a cookie off of his face without using his hands. This is some serious “why is Obama filling out an NCAA tournament bracket” type sh*t.

The best part of the video is either how its inanity and pointlessness is immediately followed with an artsy, wistful retrospective on Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game, or imagining that the cookie on Dwight’s forehead is one of those huge ones from the mall and his dome is just that big. Next, they should challenge him to eat a large pizza like that.

[h/t to Buzzfeed]

With All-Star Weekend’s magnificent machete fights behind us, NBA fans can go back to focusing on the only thing that matters: Jeremy Lin. And after that, they can also wonder, “Hey, what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard?” Because with the NBA trade deadline just two weeks away, we’re about to head face first into the shallow end of the unsubstantiated rumor pool. Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson and Hedo Turkoglu for Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol? Sure. Because the Lakers have formed an empire on stupidity.

But Magic fans haven’t given up hope just yet – well, I have, but I’m a natural pessimist – and they’ve begun the 6th stage of Superstar Departure Denial: song writing. Local musician Jeff Wilson (HUGE fan… *wank wank*) organized some local fans, including the Fat Guy (but not Old Sweater Vest Guy, which is disappointing), for “Let’s Fight for Dwight.” If anything, it’s effort.

Stay tuned for my debut Magic song, “Let’s Hit Otis with a Torpedotis.”

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I hoped to have a wildly hilarious recap of the NBA’s All-Star Weekend here in Orlando, and between the celebrities, players, posses, groupies and terrified townies, I figured we were in for something spectacular. Well, I was wrong. The whole thing was pretty boring, actually.

The game was about as underwhelming and predictable as most All-Star games are, and hoo boy was the Slam Dunk Contest a turd or what? I mean, shouldn’t the NBA make it mandatory for the reigning dunk contest champion and at least the hometown star to compete each year? There’s really no reason that Blake Griffin and Dwight Howard shouldn’t have given us the ultimate dunk off. And of course LeBron James proved in the All-Star game itself that he should compete in the dunk competition, but that’s a different post in itself.

The parties were tame (Dwight’s airport hangar party was a real dud according to friends) and the most star watching I got to do was trying to figure out who was behind the wheel of a silver Mercedes Maybach that almost splattered me Friday night. In all, I’d say the most entertaining thing that I saw this weekend was a video of a machete fight on Friday night.

Seriously. A machete. That’s how my city rolls.

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