Welcome to my day-late weekly predictions that will astound and amaze you, because they’re so incredibly tuned into to a psychic frequency that nobody else on this planet could come up with them. Since I started making predictions a few weeks ago, I’ve been right about everything. Even the stuff that might have been wrong was technically right, because I say it was. It’s not really hard being a psychic.

This week, we take a look into the crystal ball to see if David Stern really will stick to his guns and stop the L.A. Clippers from flopping, Matt Leinart can turn Carson Palmer into the perfect QB and if anyone would ever believe that Phil Jackson would even remotely entertain the idea of coaching a team as dysfunctional and broken as the Orlando Magic. SIM SIM SALABIM!

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Indiana Pacers forward Tyler Hansbrough is the prototypical love him or hate him player. He’s energetic, intense and borderline obnoxious on the court, so fans of the team he plays for love him and those he plays against hate him. In the Pacers’ first round series against the Orlando Magic alone, he showed that even though his numbers are low coming off the bench, he contributes best by getting into opponents’ heads and causing them to make mistakes.

I’m also the perfect example of a basketball fan who typically hates Hansbrough, because I find his intensity more arrogant than infectious. But during this first round series, in which his Pacers defeated the Magic 4 games to 1, I learned to respect him more than I ever have. Originally, I thought that Hansbrough was just a mouth-breathing dolt, grunting and derping his way through games and awkwardly lunging for undeserved chest bumps and high fives.

I’ve now learned, though, that there’s so much more emotional and intellectual depth to this athletic warrior and I want to pay tribute to Hansbrough in order to once and for all crush the misconception that he’s anything but a winner.

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The Orlando Magic and Indiana Pacers have one of the more understated and heated rivalries building in the NBA, but nobody really talks about it because it’s the Magic and the Pacers. Yawwwwwwwwn, amiright? Speaking of yawns, Danny Granger and a few of his Pacers teammates are probably a little tired this morning since they were out partying in Orlando until 2:45 a.m. Big deal, because I’ll bet Chris Duhon is still out drinking right now.

But it is a bit of a big deal, because while leaving Club 23, Pacers backup center Kyrylo Kesenko was confronted by some Orlando “fans” – and I use quotes because at 2:45 a.m. they’re really just random assh*les looking for a fight – and one even pushed the 7-footer. Then all heck broke loose. Heck, I say!

More from TMZ, “As Kyrylo tried to walk away from the situation … the mob grew in numbers and the taunts became louder.

That’s when Kyrylo’s teammate Danny Granger charged towards the clubgoer … only to be restrained by some of his friends.” (Via TMZ and their ridiculous love for ellipses.)

I’ve included the poor quality cell phone cam video of the altercation after the jump, and I think TMZ is making Granger out to be a bit more badass than he actually he is. Either way, I’m not one to preach about grown men knowing better than to go out partying, but if you’re as recognizable as Granger or, better yet, you’re a 7-foot European dude, people are probably going to talk sh*t.

I know I would. But from like two blocks away, because I’m not stupid.

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The majority of the national media picked the Indiana Pacers to beat the Orlando Magic in 4 games, and the Florida sports media is so convinced that the Magic are going to lose quickly that they just stuck to making up news about Dwight Howard instead of predicting the series outcome. But on Saturday night, the Magic had other ideas, as they defeated the Indiana Pacers 81-77 in the first game of their incredibly boring first round matchup.

The Magic went on an 11-0 run to close out the game, and the victory was sealed when Indiana’s Danny Granger traveled with less than 8 seconds left and down by just 3. And all the way at the end of the Magic bench, Chris Duhon, of all people, turned Granger’s one stupid play into the weekend’s best sports meme not involving Dontari Poe trying to make out with Roger Goodell.

So of course the crafty minds of the Interwebs took some musical liberties with the original video of Duhon’s travel dance. And if they get in trouble for using unlicensed music, maybe Duhon can help them out with the bills with his $3.5 million salary.

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Earlier this month, Orlando’s Local 6 Sports Director David “Ping” Pingalore reported that Dwight Howard told Orlando Magic management that he wanted coach Stan Van Gundy fired. This story “broke” on April 4, and it led to one of the most amazingly awkward interviews in NBA history, when Van Gundy told reporters point blank that he knew Howard tried to have him fired, and then Howard interrupted the interview and put his arm around Van Gundy, completely oblivious to what just happened. Howard’s reaction when the reporters filled him looked a little like this:

The problem with Ping’s report was that it wasn’t anything new. Magic writers like Jarrod Rudolph had reported months ago that Howard wanted Van Gundy out, but it went unnoticed because it hadn’t been preceded by two months of trade deadline drama. Ping’s “sources” – which we’ll discuss in a moment – and their #HOTTGOSS were more timely and convenient for the NBA media that needed something to fill the downtime between the trade deadline and the playoffs. So Ping was heralded for this so-called scoop, and he was given a free pass for his next aimless, unsubstantiated breaking story.

That story, of course, was this week’s report that Howard refused to play for Van Gundy and was faking his herniated disc injury as a protest. Well if that’s true, Howard is the most committed liar since George Costanza, because he is having season-ending surgery that will require four months of recovery.

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"See? Forks are much nicer than pointy sticks."

The NBA trade deadline has passed (kind of) with no blockbusters as sort of expected, depending on which side of the Dwight Howard fence you were sitting. But Howard ended up finally signing his ETO to play for the Orlando Magic through next season (hooray for 365 more days of speculation) which means that most other teams just went business as usual, including Howard’s biggest suitor – the New Jersey Nets.

Leading up to Howard’s decision *groan* it was rumored that the Nets were possibly willing to sweeten their deal for the game’s best center by including MarShon Brooks, two draft picks and even Kris Humphries, if the former Mr. Kardashian would be willing to waive his no-trade clause. And I almost missed his outstanding remark about being traded, but thankfully my favorite Klingon tipster didn’t.

“Would you jump off a bridge?” Humphries asked reporters who inquired about his willingness to waive the no-trade. “It depends how high the water is (or) if there was a drowning baby in the water. I mean, because you (might) jump off in the summer, if it was warm out, (and) you know the water was deep underneath.

“It’s all circumstantial, is the point I’m trying to make,” he said. (Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

I’m really glad he pointed out that he was trying to make a point, because I would have had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about. At least it’s nice to know that he’d consider jumping off a bridge to save a drowning baby if it was warm enough outside and the water was deep enough. Because, seriously, I’m sick and tired of babies that drown in shallow water and put my body at risk. That’s just selfish.

In related news, Humphries’ ex, Kim Kardashian, is suing a Mexican plastic surgeon for using an image of her in a bikini on a billboard that is currently posted near the California/Mexico border.

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