With All-Star Weekend’s magnificent machete fights behind us, NBA fans can go back to focusing on the only thing that matters: Jeremy Lin. And after that, they can also wonder, “Hey, what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard?” Because with the NBA trade deadline just two weeks away, we’re about to head face first into the shallow end of the unsubstantiated rumor pool. Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson and Hedo Turkoglu for Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol? Sure. Because the Lakers have formed an empire on stupidity.
But Magic fans haven’t given up hope just yet – well, I have, but I’m a natural pessimist – and they’ve begun the 6th stage of Superstar Departure Denial: song writing. Local musician Jeff Wilson (HUGE fan… *wank wank*) organized some local fans, including the Fat Guy (but not Old Sweater Vest Guy, which is disappointing), for “Let’s Fight for Dwight.” If anything, it’s effort.
Stay tuned for my debut Magic song, “Let’s Hit Otis with a Torpedotis.”
I hoped to have a wildly hilarious recap of the NBA’s All-Star Weekend here in Orlando, and between the celebrities, players, posses, groupies and terrified townies, I figured we were in for something spectacular. Well, I was wrong. The whole thing was pretty boring, actually.
The game was about as underwhelming and predictable as most All-Star games are, and hoo boy was the Slam Dunk Contest a turd or what? I mean, shouldn’t the NBA make it mandatory for the reigning dunk contest champion and at least the hometown star to compete each year? There’s really no reason that Blake Griffin and Dwight Howard shouldn’t have given us the ultimate dunk off. And of course LeBron James proved in the All-Star game itself that he should compete in the dunk competition, but that’s a different post in itself.
The parties were tame (Dwight’s airport hangar party was a real dud according to friends) and the most star watching I got to do was trying to figure out who was behind the wheel of a silver Mercedes Maybach that almost splattered me Friday night. In all, I’d say the most entertaining thing that I saw this weekend was a video of a machete fight on Friday night.
The best part is that a guy who can create exploding chemistry bombs is getting bossed around by his wife. “That’s it, you’re DONE!” I’d be like, “f**k you, eat a face of death bubbles” and just spread gun that sh*t at her. Via Buzzfeed.
Pot, Meet Kettle: Shaq Calls Dwight Howard Leaving Orlando A “Travesty” - Now he’s got to start insulting peoples’ terrible rap albums and genie movies. [Smoking Section]
20 Most Cromulent ‘Simpsons’ GIFs - I was hoping the Grandpa Simpson “walks in, sees Bart, turns right around and leaves” gif from the Maison Derrière would make the cut. [Warming Glow]
Submit your questions for our first “Ask a Porn Dude,” with Seymour Butts - Two-parter: “Can you get me Shane from Shane’s World’s phone number, and if so, how much would she like to sleep with someone who is extremely nostalgic about her?” [Film Drunk]
The 10 Definitive Nicolas Cage GIFs - It must be weird when 10% of you is a genius, and 90% of you is just AHHH THE BEES NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES AHGGGHHHH [UPROXX]
International Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Shows New Action - Spider-Man battles The Shocker, can’t see him because he’s looking through yellow eyes, gets shocked, dies. [Gamma Squad]
In Case You Were Wondering, Chris Brown Is Still The Absolute Worst - If I could put one fandom on The Magic School Bus and tell Ms. Frizzle to pilot that sh*t into the sun, it would be Team Breezy. [UPROXX]
Shirtless Jeff Goldblum Pretty Much Demanded Jurassic Parks And Rec To Happen - That “I thought it was terrible wine” line still makes me laugh. Everything needs to get mashed up with Jurassic Park. [UPROXX]
Bill O’Reilly To Kate Upton: “Get Off My Lawn!” - Re-linked here to help meet our Kate Upton quota for the day. The best part is that O’Reilly thinks the dancing is what we like about her video. [With Leather]
Ten More GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Undeniably Exciting Thing In Sports Right Now - The most exciting thing about sports is that pitchers and catchers report this month, but I’ll give it to them, Lin is #2. #3 is slam dunks! [Buzzfeed]
Man Suffers Heart Attack While Eating at Heart Attack Grill - Hold on, I need to put in my monocle before I write about this story. [Popcrush]
11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Caine’s Career - “Come on, it wasn’t that funny of a movie” has to be this generation’s most damning insult. Also, Cars 2 blew so hard. [Pajiba]
Eight Giant Movie Plot Holes in Eight Images - Some of these are good (the Toy Story one in particular made me go, “ha, oh man, you’re right”) and some aren’t (Star Trek, Jurassic Park). Regardless, it’s something I’d like to see more of. [Unreality]
Nas Tells His Craziest Party Story Ever - “One time when I was chillin’, I grabbed the buddha, got my crew to buy beers, and I watched a flick … of course, I was both illin’ and rooting for the villian. Anyway … huh?” [Brobible]
Orlando Magic center and free-agent-to-be Dwight Howard has been putting together yet another great season as the NBA’s best big man. But he’s also been setting a new standard for terrible PR decisions as he greases his way out of Orlando a little more each day. While he certainly hasn’t hit “The Decision” status yet, Howard is certainly busting his ass in trying.
It was simple enough at the beginning, as Howard only needed to cite the horrible job Otis Smith has done as GM, and most people would have said, “Ah yeah, dude’s got a point.” Instead, after asking for a trade, Howard claimed he needed to be surrounded with players who could help him win a championship, which didn’t win him any points with his current teammates. Then, after a horrific 4-game losing streak in which the Magic set new lows in franchise scoring, Howard threw his teammates under the bus again, while claiming his trade demand wasn’t hurting the team.
And even though the Magic have bounced back to win 5 of their last 7, including a huge victory over the Miami Heat, Howard is still pulling hissy fits out of his butt.
Much to no one’s surprise, the Oklahoma City Thunder are currently the best team in the NBA, as Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook continue their strange “I’m not better than him but I’m secretly better than him” routine, and the Chicago Bulls and Miami Heat have all but locked up their eventual meeting in the Eastern Conference Finals. And as I pointed out yesterday, while I might be a little biased, the Orlando Magic’s incredible collapse is probably the most interesting story in the NBA right now.
Other than that, all eyes are on the trade mill, so essentially the Magic are the focus of everyone with Dwight Howard standing firm with his preferred teams of the Los Angeles Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, Los Angeles Lakers and New Jersey Nets. Of course he’s also said that he’d play for the Boston Celtics or Chicago Bulls, but it’s clear as day that he wants to play in New Jersey or Brooklyn or wherever, and Magic GM Otis Smith is way too stubborn to trade him, so Howard will most likely sign there as a free agent.
Everything else is pretty much business as usual. So let’s make fun of everyone, shall we?
To say that things aren’t going well for the Orlando Magic would be an incredible understatement. Since defeating the Indiana Pacers on Jan. 24, the team has fallen into a four-game skid that if defined as abysmal would be a compliment. But it all actually started the night before that win, when the Magic produced a pathetic 56-point performance in a loss to the Boston Celtics. That Monday night game should be remembered as the moment the Magic crumbled.
To be fair, the 66-game schedule hasn’t been kind to many teams at this point, with back-to-backs packed in like strippers in a trunk. But for the Magic – with my obvious homer status aside – it’s been a fascinating season with only 21 games behind them. And it all starts with the man who set the tone for Orlando’s season by requesting a trade, Dwight Howard.
After last night’s hideous 74-69 loss to the Philadelphia 76ers (and the game was a lot worse than that score suggests), Howard maintained that his team can win, but he still wants to play for a team that can win.
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