The majority of the national media picked the Indiana Pacers to beat the Orlando Magic in 4 games, and the Florida sports media is so convinced that the Magic are going to lose quickly that they just stuck to making up news about Dwight Howard instead of predicting the series outcome. But on Saturday night, the Magic had other ideas, as they defeated the Indiana Pacers 81-77 in the first game of their incredibly boring first round matchup.
The Magic went on an 11-0 run to close out the game, and the victory was sealed when Indiana’s Danny Granger traveled with less than 8 seconds left and down by just 3. And all the way at the end of the Magic bench, Chris Duhon, of all people, turned Granger’s one stupid play into the weekend’s best sports meme not involving Dontari Poe trying to make out with Roger Goodell.
So of course the crafty minds of the Interwebs took some musical liberties with the original video of Duhon’s travel dance. And if they get in trouble for using unlicensed music, maybe Duhon can help them out with the bills with his $3.5 million salary.
Earlier this month, Orlando’s Local 6 Sports Director David “Ping” Pingalore reported that Dwight Howard told Orlando Magic management that he wanted coach Stan Van Gundy fired. This story “broke” on April 4, and it led to one of the most amazingly awkward interviews in NBA history, when Van Gundy told reporters point blank that he knew Howard tried to have him fired, and then Howard interrupted the interview and put his arm around Van Gundy, completely oblivious to what just happened. Howard’s reaction when the reporters filled him looked a little like this:
The problem with Ping’s report was that it wasn’t anything new. Magic writers like Jarrod Rudolph had reported months ago that Howard wanted Van Gundy out, but it went unnoticed because it hadn’t been preceded by two months of trade deadline drama. Ping’s “sources” – which we’ll discuss in a moment – and their #HOTTGOSS were more timely and convenient for the NBA media that needed something to fill the downtime between the trade deadline and the playoffs. So Ping was heralded for this so-called scoop, and he was given a free pass for his next aimless, unsubstantiated breaking story.
The NBA trade deadline has passed (kind of) with no blockbusters as sort of expected, depending on which side of the Dwight Howard fence you were sitting. But Howard ended up finally signing his ETO to play for the Orlando Magic through next season (hooray for 365 more days of speculation) which means that most other teams just went business as usual, including Howard’s biggest suitor – the New Jersey Nets.
Leading up to Howard’s decision *groan* it was rumored that the Nets were possibly willing to sweeten their deal for the game’s best center by including MarShon Brooks, two draft picks and even Kris Humphries, if the former Mr. Kardashian would be willing to waive his no-trade clause. And I almost missed his outstanding remark about being traded, but thankfully my favorite Klingon tipster didn’t.
“Would you jump off a bridge?” Humphries asked reporters who inquired about his willingness to waive the no-trade. “It depends how high the water is (or) if there was a drowning baby in the water. I mean, because you (might) jump off in the summer, if it was warm out, (and) you know the water was deep underneath.
“It’s all circumstantial, is the point I’m trying to make,” he said. (Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)
I’m really glad he pointed out that he was trying to make a point, because I would have had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about. At least it’s nice to know that he’d consider jumping off a bridge to save a drowning baby if it was warm enough outside and the water was deep enough. Because, seriously, I’m sick and tired of babies that drown in shallow water and put my body at risk. That’s just selfish.
In case you missed it last night, Dwight Howard had one of the more remarkable games in his career as the Orlando Magic had their most remarkable win of the season. The Magic overcame a 14-point halftime deficit that was the result of a 20-0 Miami Heat run in the second quarter to defeat their in-state rivals 104-98 in overtime. Howard posted 24 points and 25 rebounds to lead his band of merry just-not-good-enoughers to their third straight win. And that’s where the fun ends.
During last night’s game, a Dwight Howard New Jersey Nets shirt (above) was briefly available on NBA.com, and after the game, ESPN had a very peculiar description for Howard’s effort and the importance of that game.
Howard is currently with the Magic in San Antonio, so if it was his Orlando finale, the Magic are getting as much mileage out of him as possible. Leading up to last night’s game, the Twitters were alive with the sounds of rumors that the Magic were part of a threeway deal with the Milwaukee Bucks and Golden State Warriors that would land them Monta Ellis, one of Howard’s preferred additions, but that was shot to poop when the Bucks and Warriors kicked the Magic out of bed and just had themselves a two-way.
Meanwhile, Howard was asked after his team’s win if he wants to be traded before tomorrow’s deadline and his response was: “I told the team I want to stay and finish the season.” He also said that the Magic could then roll the dice on him in the offseason, to which LeBron James responded, “Yo Cleveland, check out this assh*le!”
I don’t know if Ray William Johnson invented that YouTube “edit 3 times in the same sentence so I jump around the screen” thing, but I’m blaming it for him anyway. This video would’ve benefitted from a little “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”. [via Sportress]
What Was In LeBron’s Tiny Purse? - I hope it was a spy kit. I hate LeBron as much as the next guy, but I need to let somebody else write about “Pursegate”. [Smoking Section]
5 Movies Us Nerds Painfully Underrate - “Us nerds” reminds me of when Zack Morris said “us kids” don’t want oil drilling at bayside. Anyway, I really must be a nerd, because I think all 5 of these blow. [Gamma Squad]
A Comprehensive Guide To Amber Tamblyn’s Next Level Email Prank On Tyrese Gibson - She showed him a bunch of screenplays, then said ‘Joan of Arcadia’ was a thing that got produced and put on TV for two seasons. [UPROXX]
The Smiths + Nintendo’s ‘Super Mario Brothers’ = ‘Super Morrissey Bros.’ - Adding Morrissey to anything makes it better. You could add Morrissey to an Enzyte commercial and it’d instantly be the greatest thing on television. [UPROXX]
LEGO May Have Spoiled The Villains In The Avengers - This isn’t really a spoiler, but if Namor OR Fin Fang Foom show up in this movie I’m going to lose my mind. I’m not too old to mark out for Fin Fang Foom. [Film Drunk]
Megan Fox Isn’t Allowed to Watch ‘Beverly Hills 90210′ - Now she’ll never know whether or not Donna Martin Graduates. Pretty cool idea to marry someone who won’t “allow” you to do things, Megan! [Warming Glow]
Women Flirting With Urkel Over Twitter - Don’t get excited, it’s just Myra with multiple accounts. [Buzzfeed]
Classic Movies Subtitled For Bros - I want a version of The Fountain where it spends 5 minutes with “Finish it, bro” at the bottom. [HuffPost Comedy]
‘The Artist’ Star Uggie the Dog is the New Nintendo Spokesdog - Better than Reggie. Nintendo should make a dog you can control by waving at it. [The FW]
The Greatest Fictional TV Couple That Will Never Ever Exist | The 2011 Fun Oscars - If this isn’t a link to the fictional hookup of Annie Edison and Trudy Campbell, I’m not interested. [Pajiba]
Three Kinds of Movie/TV Characters Who Actually Need Smartphones - To the credit of the people on Breaking Bad, they live in New Mexico. Going to West Texas is what they consider a “promotion”. Of course they don’t have real phones. [Unreality]
Someone Racked Up a Hefty $323,000 Bar Tab at a Liverpool Nightclub - 42 Pussy @ 3.00. Sounds like the waitstaff at my old Olive Garden. [Brobible]
Burnsy has spent a lot of time writing about the hows, whens and whys of Dwight Howard eventual/suddenly leaving the Orlando Magic, so much so that his photoshop of Howard Superman-dunking with a suitcase is nearly as old as my editorship. So it’s somewhat fitting to know that while the good people of Orlando are busy writing and performing desperate anthems to keep Howard in town, Dwight is using his remaining time with the Magic to the fullest, i.e. trying to eat a cookie off of his face without using his hands. This is some serious “why is Obama filling out an NCAA tournament bracket” type sh*t.
The best part of the video is either how its inanity and pointlessness is immediately followed with an artsy, wistful retrospective on Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game, or imagining that the cookie on Dwight’s forehead is one of those huge ones from the mall and his dome is just that big. Next, they should challenge him to eat a large pizza like that.
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