Say what you want about him, but Lance Armstrong's karaoke night had great drink specials.

I’m more affected by the fact that Radiohead’s “Creep” is old enough to drink than I am by anything that Lance Armstrong says lately, which is why I only watched the former 7-time Tour de France champion’s interview with Oprah Winfrey so I could burn a few thousand calories by practicing my eye roll exercises. But you already know everything that went down in that interview from Armstrong admitting that he used more drugs than your parents in the 70s and Oprah’s nip slip that may have been part of a strange dream of mine.

Fortunately, from the ashes of disgrace rises the Internet’s creativity, as a brilliant man named Matthijs Vlot chopped up Armstrong’s interview with Oprah and turned it into a delightful cover of Radiohead’s “Creep”, which is quite a fitting song for the athlete who deceived the entire world.

But is it the most fitting song? Probably, but I still have another request.

Read the rest of this entry »

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before – a lady walks into a bar and she hates Lance Armstrong because she’s married to his former teammate and they both think he’s a lying dick. Wait, I don’t think I told that punchline correctly. Either way, Armstrong’s whistleblower, Betsy Andreu, is back in the news because she wants more attention believes that the shamed Tour de France champion is going to use tonight’s interview with Oprah Winfrey to sway public opinion back in his favor. Because when Oprah’s minge speaks, we listen.

However, Andreu – wife of Armstrong’s former teammate and close friend, Frankie Andreu – is really feeling the need to point out the obvious.

“I do not think he will ever fully admit or take responsibility for his drug taking,” the wife of Armstrong’s former teammate and one-time friend, Frankie Andreu, told Celebuzz in an exclusive interview.

“Going on Oprah is just a way to win public sympathy for him… I think it will be more crocodile tears from Lance – he chose Oprah because she is not known for hard hitting interviews.

“My husband and I just want him to go away.” (Via Celebuzz)

Apparently they want him to go away to prison, because Betsy also added that she believes that Armstrong is deserving of a full criminal investigation. And she might be on to something here, because if Armstrong admits to Oprah and her army of Bon Bon couch warriors that he used performance-enhancing drugs as he is expected to do, he could be facing all sorts of heck. Heck, I say!

Read the rest of this entry »

O.J. Simpson has just confessed to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. To quote our own Burnsy, “I’m so shocked that I can’t even make a fart noise.” In the never-before-seen alternate ending to 1995, Simpson confessed to a producer for Oprah Winfrey and is going to re-confess to Oprah herself in a televised interview. Are they going to tape it from inside of Al Capone’s vault? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful dead wife.

This is a huge story for anybody who lived through the American ’90s, although the breaking NESN report on the situation contains one little line that might ruin it all:

Several news outlets are citing the National Enquirer with breaking the news.

This is the same source that told me Satan’s face was in the 9/11 smoke, so I’m not going to get too excited about it until O.J. is in LeBron’s Decision Chair, sobbing to Oprah about how sorry he is for dimming the star of Ron Goldman, holding his face in his hands while wearing some ill-fitting Isotoners. Oh, and I forgot the best part.

Simpson claimed he stabbed Nicole in self-defense.

There you have it, everybody. O.J. did it, but only after his battered ex-wife tried to kill him first, in her own home, while technically still on a date with somebody else. Somewhere up in Heaven, Johnnie Cochran is flipping the hell out and flipping over tables.

Edit: Aaaaaaand we’re fake! A report from The Hollywood Reporter (about Hollywood) says the Enquirer name drop is bogus, and the best we can hope for now is one of those Blake Lively “we wanted to show you her boobs by accident, but not this soon” situations.

Despite a National Enquirer report that Simpson confessed from prison to murdering ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, a rep for Harpo tells The Hollywood Reporter, “That’s not true.”

Maybe O.J. is twittering from prison and will read all of this, and do the right thing (for money).

Oprah Winfrey is without a doubt the most powerful woman in the world, 1 million times stronger than a Voltron of Jewish mothers. She has the ability to save even the most damaged careers by humanizing people who have committed terrible acts and using her sorcery of pleasantness to coax her most spiteful followers into giving second chances. And with that said, Michael Vick has chosen not to appear on her show next Thursday, and he really didn’t say why, other than:

“After careful consideration, I will need to postpone the taping of the Oprah Winfrey interview scheduled for February 22. I admire and respect Oprah and hope to be able to participate in an interview in the future.” (Via Entertainment Weekly)

Vick has done a few small interviews, he’s offered some apologies at press conferences, and all the while he has spoken with the fluidity of a Speak N Spell. He’s still an immensely controversial figure, despite winning the 2010 NFL Comeback Player of the Year, and sitting down with Oprah and giving her and her bon bon loving fans a glimpse into his tattered soul might actually tip the scales of public perception in his favor. Sure, PETA and other animal activist groups will still protest his presence and rip the NFL for giving him a second chance, but he’ll have Oprah on his side. That’s like bringing a nuke to a pencil fight.

As for a replacement for Vick on the Feb. 24 show, I assume it will be Kevin Kolb. Wait a second…

*checks under seat, removes envelope*

No, it will in fact be this guy:

Read the rest of this entry »