*grabs morning newspaper, sits down in favorite recliner, reads “Florida Man Died”, takes sip from coffee, sits back*

A man from West Palm Beach died after eating dozens of cockroaches and worms as part of an eating contest, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office.

Edward Archbold, 32, participated in an roach-eating contest at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach on Friday evening. The winner of the contest won a python. (Via Local 10, with bonus event video!)

So many questions, I’m not even sure where to begin. I guess, why on Earth would anybody enter into a cockroach- and worm-eating contest in the first place?

“That’s insanity. I mean, you’re talking about a cockroach,” said Shane Santa Croce, whose daughter was at the event on Friday. “They were giving away a really expensive snake, so, you know, people do what they have to do, I guess. Not my cup of tea for sure.”

Or perhaps not my plate full of disgusting little dumpster goblins, but I guess in this economy, you don’t look a gift python* in the mouth.

The most interesting thing that I’ve taken away from this sad story is that cockroaches carry similar allergens to shellfish, which means that I now can’t eat lobster or Palmetto bugs, so I’ve already had to withdraw my name from Crazy Larry’s Possum Emporium 18th Annual Crawdad and Critters Eating Contest and Father/Daughter Dance in Ocoee. My biggest regret will be not giving my daughter her first shot of Turkey before trading her off for a sweet Harley.

Awesome Update: A tipster “friend” of Eddie just sent along a batch of photos that the “wild man” had been posting on Facebook the night of this event.

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Between Nike’s Employee of the Year Lebron James fawning over Oregon’s admittedly awesome uniforms and me declaring that the Seattle Seahawks uniforms don’t look that bad (our opinions are equal, naturally), it was really only a matter of time before a team somewhere at some level tried to emulate this new era of uni-swag and fail miserably. I’m a few days late on this, but ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your failure approval, the uniforms of the Atlantic High School Eagles.

To be fair to the kids, they don’t think these neon explosions are all that bad. According to the Palm Beach Post, the group that paid for and donated the uniforms are just trying to create buzz.

“We definitely don’t expect these to be loved by everybody,” said Lee Cohen, a Delray attorney and Delray Beach 21′s chairman. “That’s what they should do. Spark conversation. We want to bring these kids the attention they deserve. We want to draw attention and bring excitement to the program. We want to get people talking.”

And to take it one step further, I’ll add the thoughts of Internet newspaper commenter “Class of 79” who clearly studied debate at the nation’s top institutions:

“It something new don’t look at the uniform. Look at the coach that wat yours should be talking about is founding new coach atl coach suck”

That’s a hell of an argument right there. Does the team need to focus on “founding new coach” or is it okay for the players to have some fun? After the jump, I’ve included a photo of one of the players in the actual uniform at gametime, so you can determine for yourself if these outfits are as butt ugly as a nuclear diarrhea hurricane or if they’re harmless generators of buzz.

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Much to my surprise, the National Scrabble Championship is currently in its final round right down the street from me, and I’m upset that I wasn’t aware because Greg Tolan and I could have done some nerd wedgie curls to prepare for the football season, but it seems that this year’s Scrabble field is safe. That is, except for one real piece of S-H-BLANK-T who decided that he was above Scrabble law during yesterday’s second round of action.

Competitors brought some scandalous behavior to the attention of National Scrabble Association director and (I assume) sex addict John D. Williams, Jr. who proceeded to stew this buttwad.

Williams would not identify the player by name or age because he’s a minor. There are four divisions and he was competing in Division 3.

The cheating was spotted by a player at a nearby table, who noticed the ejected player conceal a pair of blank tiles. When confronted by the tournament director, he admitted to it.

The tournament concludes Wednesday, with the winner receiving the $10,000 top prize. (Via Orlando’s Local 6)

If there’s one thing I can’t stand and will not tolerate, it’s cheating at board games. If I were the director of the National Scrabble Association, there’s only one way that I’d ever consider letting this punk kid back into my prestigious competition…

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Being a lifelong resident of Florida, I’ve grown immune to the jokes that my UPROXXian colleagues make at my expense, but I’m also the first to admit that this state will eventually lead to the opening of several portals to hell. That said, today’s top Florida story comes from Ft. Walton Beach, which is located right next to you don’t care.

Apparently a game of dominoes at the Rancho Alegre night club turned ugly when one man learned the lesson of sharing the hard way.

The victim, Edward Hooks, told officers he and a man named “Cowboy” were playing Dominoes in the Rancho Alegre nightclub when the argument began.

They argued over the pork rinds and a missing cell phone, according to the victim and witnesses.

Cowboy, whose real name is Will Moore Traywick and who also answers to Wyatt Earp, broke a beer bottle and stabbed Hooks, according to witness statements. (Via Northwest Florida Daily News)

Cowboy, who, with my luck, is probably related to me, tried to escape, but he was eventually caught by the police in a fast food restaurant bathroom. I’d criticize his mistake, but sometimes you just really need a Doritos taco.

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Back in February we introduced you to an 18-foot tall LeBron James statue built by Florida’s Primetime Amusements to amuse honor LeBron and the Miami Heat. At the time I wondered how a statue of LeBron honored the Heat, and now two months later we have our answer: because he was only the first of a team of colossal monsters.

Well, a team of three. Nobody’s smushing together 18 feet of paper-mache and tubing to build a giant Dexter Pittman, but Golem Dwyane Wade and Golem Chris Bosh are alive and erect now. Bosh has got to be the easiest person to caricature in the history of pro basketball, you just roll up a ball of clay and pinch it in the front.

A little color commentary from Hot Hot Hoops:

With all three completed and finishing touches now in place, such as placing an NBA sticker right in the middle of LeBron’s headband while Hot Hot Hoops was present to take pictures of the trio, plans are still up in the air as to where exactly you’ll be able to see these on display. A logical place would be the American Airlines Arena but for now we’ll have to wait and see where the mega superstars will make their public appearance together.

Here’s a better look at the Extremely Big 3 with a wildly inappropriate funk soundtrack:

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Today’s biggest and foamiest nightmare fuel comes from Florida gaming company Prime Time Amusements, a video game and simulator seller who built an 18-foot replica of a dunking LeBron James that more or less looks like the bad guys from ‘Fraggle Rock’ to honor LeBron and the “Mammy Heat” (his words, not mine). I knew things were gonna be weird when Ray Harryhausen took over as Miami’s GM.

According to reports, Prime Time Amusements wanted to build a colossal LeBron for years, but didn’t have enough material to finish his hair. Someone on staff came up with the idea of putting a big headband over it, and viola, der golem James.

The NBA hasn’t had a giant thing that made everyone uncomfortable this cool since Manute Bol retired.

[via Sweater Punch]