If you are not already waist-deep in a puddle of squee at the sight of a golden retriever puppy in a hockey jersey, prepare to deal with the cutest, saddest Facebook bio ever:

Hi, I’m Ray Charles a golden retriever that was born blind (12/8/12), but don’t feel bad for me! I can run and play and do everything else other dogs that can see do! I live at home with my two older brothers Harley and Jack and my sister Maggie!

You should already be frantically running around your house screaming OH MY GOD HOW DO I HUG AND HELP THIS BLIND PUPPY WHO LOVES HOCKEY. I can’t help you on the hugging part (that’s up to Ray Charles’ owners), but I CAN share with you a way to help him out … you see, there’s a petition going around trying to get Ray Charles The Oh My God Blind Golden Retriever Puppy Are You Serious into a Boston Bruins home playoff game as the celebrity guest puck-dropper.

“An avid Boston Bruins fan, Ray would like to drop the puck at a Bruins home game and we need your help to make this happen,” the petition says.

“For all the joy he has brought us, it seems only fair that we take a few moments to sign his petition. “Ray Charles may not have his sight, but we can still show him how much he means to all of us! Help Ray Charles drop the puck at a Boston Bruins game and keep helping to enrich the wonderful dog’s life!” (via NESN)

Signing this petition is the most important thing you’ll ever do. I don’t want to live in a world where a blind golden retriever wants to drop a puck at a hockey game and doesn’t get to. LOOK AT HIS JERSEY. HE CAN’T. Sign this thing and join the over 3000 people who have announced to the world that they have a heart and are not horrible.

(I love you and want the best for you, Ray Charles.)
(I would also very much like to hug you.)

The Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders are conducting an online contest for fans to pick a local girl to receive the opportunity to audition to join the squad. Basically, it’s a very nice way of saying, “Hi there, everyone thinks you’re great and now we get to decide that on our own, now go away everyone else.” It’s truly the democratic process at its finest. And while there are 68 girls on the online voting ballot, the buzz around this contest has been created mostly for just one 20-year old Colts fan.

Tella Toney is a lunch lady at Southridge High School, and while it sounds incredibly odd, she’s currently the favorite to win the Colts cheerleader audition, thanks to a ton of support from her friends, family and all of the students at her school. Admittedly, it’s a little strange writing about a 20-year female working at a high school and not including a mugshot.

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Back in 2010, five Ohio State Buckeyes football players were exposed for their roles in a horrifying murder-for-hire operation that included then-standout quarterback Terrelle Pryor, who was wanted by both the FBI and Interpol for his role in hundreds of global leader assassinations as far back as the 1830s. Wait, no. Sorry. I meant that five Ohio State players exchanged autographs for tattoos, cash and rental cars, among other things. And the whole world looked on in shock and terror, because never could we believe that people would take advantage of teenage athletes by dangling money in front of their faces.

Ultimately, the scandal revealed that as many as 28 players were involved and it led to former coach Jim Tressel’s resignation after it was revealed that he was well aware of his players’ side deals, and he had also been using ineligible players in 2010. Tressel was found to have violated an NCAA bylaw and he was accused of lying to the NCAA when he was questioned about these improper benefits. But with credit to THE university’s leadership, OSU officials did show some balls for forcing the Jim to “retire” and voluntarily forfeiting all wins from the 2010 season. Too bad the NCAA ain’t care, and the Buckeyes were slapped with a postseason ban for this season.

A funny thing happens, though, when a team is 11-0 with no prospect of playing in the Big 10 championship game or even the BCS Championship Game – fans get super pissed off. So much so that they create crazy petitions demanding that President Barack Obama “pardon” their football team.

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