What’s the best way to celebrate UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon ‘Bones’ Jones, a man so intensely athletic that he can cause his own toe to twist off like a bottle cap and still win a fight? By having the least athletic person you know, possibly yourself, put every food item within 20 feet onto a sandwich role and call it the Bones Jones.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bones Jones.

Ingredients – salami, ham, habanero nacho cheese, country fried bacon, habanero pickles, chipotle mayo, and fried Mac n cheese bites! On a toasted sub!

I’m (somewhat predictably) not a fan of the Epic Meal Time gag, so I’m even less of a fan of the Epic Meal Time also-rans. There’s comedy in wrapping a full-sized, living cow in bacon slices and dropkicking it into a microwave or whatever, but there’s a fine line between “here’s an hilarious thing to eat” entertainment piece and just being a grotesque motherf**ker who eats everything he owns in a pile.

I really want to see Spilly improve the Bones Jones by adding Play-Doh to it.

[h/t to Middle Easy]

Sorry, wrong photo. I think.

But no, seriously, what did you have for breakfast this morning? I had waffles and a cup of coffee. At no point today did I turn to a loved one and say, “hey, you know what would be awesome? If I beheaded something and ate that thing’s head. No, I don’t mean using parts of its head to make a meal, I would literally like to eat its entire head.”

As you may have gathered from the headline, UFC’s Conor McGregor thought that, and here he is eating a sheep’s entire head. According to the comments at Middle Easy, the cheek and tongue are delicious. I’m guessing they’re extra delicious if you have to detach them from a skull before swallowing.

Here’s the head:

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Get the door, it’s crippling stomach problems.

Takeru Kobayashi, the world famous competitive eater and six-time champion of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, guzzled down a whole 12-inch pizza pie in exactly one minute while hanging out at a Super Bowl Party on Sunday. (via The Daily What)

Kobayashi’s effort, which is more or less the exact opposite of Avoiding The Noid, is after the jump. Viewer warning: it contains the grosses thing a person can do*.

*eat Domino’s pizza

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Back in 1992, McDonald’s put bacon and barbecue sauce on a quarter-pounder with cheese and called it the ‘McJordan,’ because (according to the ad campaign), bacon, barbecue sauce and the other mustards and horse meats that go into making a quarter-pounder with cheese were Michael Jordan’s “favorite ingredients”. The promotion came and went, but it was not forgotten. You can’t just put your own bacon and barbecue sauce on a quarter-pounder, these are Michael Jordan’s FAVORITE INGREDIENTS and that dude was a PRO STAR, not to mention the greatest basketball player of all time. Some people were left craving McDonald’s unique blend of herbs and chemicals, unable to satiate their incredibly specific hungers. It’s just gone. Hell, I know how they feel. I was all about the Arch Deluxe for the however-many months that thing was around.

The story here should be, “hey, remember a cheeseburger from 20 years ago,” but some people never give up on their dreams. 20 full years later, a man has placed a winning bid on eBay of $9,995 for a jug of authentic McJordan barbecue sauce. Keep hope alive!

Who knows if that’s even McJordan barbecue sauce? Some Internet stranger could’ve made 10 grand putting George Foreman grill drainings into a service jug. Regardless, the bid has been placed, and somewhere, somehow, an assumedly super, super fat guy is accurately recreating something that was better than the McRib, but worse than literally all other food.

The funny thing is that Jordan didn’t even EAT the McJordan. He was a Big Mac man. Proof:

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This video is nearly 17 minutes long and is incredibly boring — at one point the cameraperson seems to forget they’re taping a competition at all and just films peoples’ shoulders — but it’s necessary to illustrate Joey Chestnut’s remarkable win at the 2012 Buffalo Wing Festival, and punctuate what a gross f**king human being he is.

Joe took in almost eight goddamn pounds of chicken wings to set the course record, defeating the second place finisher by over a pound of chicken and third place by over two. How depressing is it when you eat over five pounds of food in 12 minutes and finish third? The bar is set too high. Here’s the final tally:

Joey Chestnut: 7.61 pounds
Sonya Thomas: 6.36 pounds
Juliet Lee: 5.36 pounds

Be sure to stick around until the very end, when Chestnut has his hand raised by a guy in a king’s robe and a chicken wing hat like he’s on the Bozo Show. That’s the kind of special touch that makes the competitive eating world’s crowns so prestigious. Also, the ring girls in high-waisted mom shorts.

If you’re wondering how long it takes to shit out a newborn-baby’s-worth of fried food, here’s an important Twitter update from the world champion:

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The Big Lead has done a lot for the online sports blogging community, but its finest work may be this clip of John Kruk eating ribs during last night’s Home Run Derby. In slow motion. With the Chariots Of Fire theme playing over it.

If you want to see it (and haven’t been dissuaded too severely by that screen grab of Kruk sucking on his middle finger), the video that exists for some reason is after the jump.

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