So How Many Other Olympic Athletes Are Las Vegas Escorts?

Written by Ashley Burns / 12.21.12

U-S-A?

Chances are that before yesterday, unless you were a huge fan of the Summer Olympics in the 1990s, you had no clue who Suzy Favor Hamilton was, and that’s fine because you have a lot on your mind. Some people may remember her as the 1500m runner who intentionally fell during the women’s final at the 2000 Sydney Olympics because she was losing and she was a poor sport. Or maybe you remember her from this controversial Nike ad that was yanked during those same Olympics because people didn’t have a sense of humor back then either.

However, as you’ve probably seen in between stockpiling rations and digging a last-second bunker in your front yard, you could have gotten to know her very well this year for roughly $600 an hour. It turns out that the married mother was leading a double life as an escort in Las Vegas since last December, and of course I couldn’t wait three more days to write my Best Sports Moments of 2012 feature.

The Smoking Gun revealed this incredible story yesterday after a reporter had uncovered Hamilton’s unbelievable secret and confronted her with it.

“I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I’m not the victim and I’m not going that route,” Favor Hamilton said. “I’m owning up to what I did. I would not blame anybody except myself.” She added, “Everybody in this world makes mistakes. I made a huge mistake. Huge.”

HUGE! Like, while she was saying this, she should have been holding her arms as far apart as she possibly could or maybe just have been holding a sign that read: “HUGE!” in really huge letters. I mean, good golly, lady. A secret double life as a high end Vegas escort? If you’re that bored or depressed, get a puppy.

But I won’t pretend to play shrink to Hamilton’s chaotic brain, and I don’t have to because she ran off a series of Tweets yesterday explaining why she did this.

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Alex Morgan And Conan O’Brien Danced To ‘The Final Countdown’

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.27.12

Alex Morgan Conan

Conan O’Brien’s ‘Clueless Gamer’ segments are the best. If you frequent UPROXX, you may have already seen him play through ‘Skyrim’ as a cat named Mr. Buttons or not give a shit about ‘Minecraft’.

This week’s segment reviews ‘Just Dance 4,’ enlisting the help of U.S. Olympic soccer gold medalist/the Internet’s girlfriend Alex Morgan. Alex and Conan dance their way through Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’ and Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’ before Conan gives up completely and leaves Alex to roll around on the floor by herself.

It’s five minutes of Alex Morgan dancing in workout clothes, people, you don’t need me to blurb this for you. Video is below.

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You’re Welcome, Everyone Except Lolo Jones

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.14.12

Alex Morgan and other people wearing Olympics clothes want to say thank you for your support. You’re welcome, everyone except Lolo Jones. You just made me feel really stressed out all the time. (via Gunaxin)

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Links

The Best Of Our Live Discussion With Ryan Hurst From ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ |UPROXX|

Into The Dark Heart Of Guy Fieri Culinary Hell: A Review Of Guy’s American Bar And Kitchen |Warming Glow|

James Cameron puts Jack-Could’ve-Fit Gate to Rest Once and for All |Film Drunk|

Sports On TV: 30 Rock’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments |With Leather|

Four Reasons Paul W.S. Anderson Deserves More Credit |Gamma Squad|

50 Cent Doing Business With Manny Pacquiao Is The Most 50 Cent Thing Ever |Smoking Section|

Peyton Manning Victories Apparently Marred By Pigeon Droppings |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Sports On TV: Married… With Children’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.06.12

Let’s rock.

Each week, Sports On TV looks at the 20 (or so) greatest sports-related moments from television shows that aren’t always about sports. This week we tackle the low-brow 1987-97 FOX classic ‘Married… With Children’, and honestly, it’s the closest we’ve come to saying f**k it and just writing about sports shows. MWC featured more sports moments and guest appearances than almost any other sitcom, and even featured a sports moments clip-show in the middle of its 10th season. Instead of just finding that on YouTube and posting it here, we’ve put together our own list.

The entire run of ‘Married…’ is currently streaming on Netflix, so if you read about Al Bundy punching a heavyset lady in the stomach or beating a bunch of old people at track and field and want to check it out, you can do so there. If our top 20 didn’t feature your favorite moment, be sure to drop down into the comments section and let us know what we missed.

But for now, enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments from ‘Married… With Children’. Let’s get the greatest moment in television history out of the way first …

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McKayla Maroney Is Not Impressed By The Los Angeles Dodgers

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.05.12

McKayla Maroney Not Impressed Dodgers

Olympic gold medal gymnasts Gabby Douglas, Kyla Ross and Internet Favorite McKayla Maroney threw out the ceremonial first pitches before Tuesday’s Padres-Dodgers game at Dodger Stadium. The results were mixed. Gabby Douglas has obviously never thrown a baseball in her life and just kinda lobs it in. Kyla’s effort is better, but it hits the dirt before it gets to the catcher.

Because McKayla Maroney is not impressed (she’s never impressed) and is totally the Marcia Brady of the outfit, she steals the spotlight by taking a few steps back to pitch from the mound, gets it across the plate and jumps up and down in celebration. McKayla is once again Princess For The Day, and Gabby has to sulk away, mentally preparing herself for all those shitty questions Tim Federowicz is about to ask about her hair.

Full video is below. If this whole thing isn’t funny to you, watch it for the foxy teen girls in short-shorts. Or Tim Federowicz.

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The Team USA Blooper Reel, Because ‘LeBron James’ And ‘America’

Written by Brandon Stroud / 08.29.12

The Team USA blooper reel is nice, especially that shot LeBron makes at 1:25. That’s all basketball should be, people spinning around making video game hook shots. (via BroBible, by way of Hot Clicks)

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Links

Team USA bloopersLeg Kick TKO, aka “Lobster Mobster’s MMA Blog” |LegKickTKO|

Louis C.K. Workshopped New Material At A Last-Minute Show In Brooklyn, Added Impressions To His Repertoire |Warming Glow|

Meme Watch: ‘Thor’ And ‘Arrested Development’ Are Basically The Same |UPROXX|

Fun Excerpts From The Michael Bay Ninja Turtles Script |Film Drunk|

A Golden Treasury Of Cheesy Late-80s/Early-90s WWF Promo Photos |With Leather|

The 15 Funniest Fake Amazon Reviews Of Bic’s Pens ‘For Her’ |Gamma Squad|

The Best And Worst Of Madden 13 |Smoking Section|

The New Rules for Dez Bryany |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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