hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom

After a brief hiatus caused by me doing this goddamn comic strip seven years in a row without stopping and needing a break inactivity in the world of baseball, The Dugout is back and ready to tackle the tough issues, such as Manny Ramirez going swimming with a bunch of old people in a T.O.-esque attempt to show he’s still athletic and able to play professional sports.

As we build to the greatest day of the year (pitchers and catchers report~), we’ll go back and touch on some of the stories we may’ve missed, like Jim Thome getting traded to Philadelphia, Kyle Farnsworth miraculously not being traded anywhere and Brian Wilson putting on spandex that looks like a tuxedo so people will write about him when he does his dishes. We’ll also become increasingly obsessed with Albert Pujols, despite his entire story being “I’m great at baseball so whatever, I’ll go play it for a billion dollars somewhere”. We may also write about Dan Quisenberry, even if you don’t give a righteous f**k who that is.

Anyway, welcome back to the weirdest, most well-established, most sorta-racist fictional world in pro sports reporting. Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sports-related or not, we’re big fans of sexy calendars. Whether a team of British girls needs money to support a weird sport or Kelly Brook just wants to remind us that she has giant breasts, my wall has enough space to support a million calendars. And it doesn’t hurt if they have Kate Upton either. Unfortunately, with the good and the busty, there comes the saggy and wrinkly.

A group of mature women in Lake Helen, Florida decided to make a special calendar to support the American Legion Post 127, which was in need of $10,000 in repairs to bring its kitchen up to code. So the women in question decided that they could sell about 800 calendars at roughly $12 a pop to raise that money. And yes, they’re doing it with partial nudity, which would be awesome if they weren’t all 60+ years old. Above all else, it’s worth it for the incredibly terrible photoshops of cats.

But just like I support plus-sized women in pole dancing (not literally, I’m fragile), I give the ladies of Lake Helen a hearty, “F*ck yeah!” for their efforts and I am going to order a calendar to support them. You can, too, by emailing head granny Pat Chadwick at plchadwick106@cfl.rr.com. And please don’t pretend to be a Nigerian banker.

Read the rest of this entry »

I feel like there are three ways to enjoy this video of two 73-year old former CFL players throwing hands at the Alumni Legends Luncheon in Vancouver on Friday.

1. From the Social Behavior perspective. Watching two guys who can’t let go of grudges get into a septuagenarian street fight is funny enough, but what’s better is the reaction of the crowd. When Angelo Mosca tells Joe Kapp to shove the olive branch up his ass, everyone’s like “hahaha oh you wacky elderly”, and that continues, punches and all, until Mosca tries to whip a mic stand into Kapp’s face. Then, gasps. Maybe you should’ve gasped when he told the guy to put the wood up his ass and not encouraged them to act out?

The second highlight from this perspective is when Kapp stands over Mosca yelling GET UP~ and then cries “sportsmanship” to the crowd. The crowd’s all “yehhh” because they’re supposed to be responding, and you can’t scream WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING YOU ARE 73 STOP BEING WEIRD AND STUPID in a good enough unison.

2. From the Pro Wrestling Jokes perspective, as shared by Tom Holzerman over at The Wrestling Blog. You see, in addition to being a CFL legend, Angelo Mosca was an announcer for the WWF (winning “Worst Wrestling Announcer” honors in the annual Observer Awards) and wrestled across the United States and Canada as “King Kong” Mosca. You can watch him deliver the most ‘Ren & Stimpy’ promo ever while being interviewed by what appears to be a 15-year old Tony Schiavone here. “I like you, AND HIM! He likes me … and I like HIM!”

Thank goodness he’s getting into fights with Joe Kapp and not Dusty Rhodes. If 73-year old Kapp could floor him with a punch, a Bionic Elbow from Dusty would’ve crushed his skull.

3. From the Old Man Fight perspective. It reminded me a lot of this:

Read the rest of this entry »

This is just one of them.

Links

15 Alison Brie-Inspired Halloween Costume Ideas - This could be Matt’s finest work to date. I’m covering the 9th Annual Corgi Celebration in Austin for him this weekend, though, so if Alison Brie makes an appearance there, we can do even better. [Warming Glow]

Plots From The Unaired Season 8 of ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ Make Hilarious Tweets - They should publish some of the plots I wrote for season 9, wherein Captain Picard and his new best friend Ensign Brandon have to defeat the Romulans, and then Ensign Brandon has to save the ship. [Gamma Squad]

Drake Covers November 2011 Issue Of The Source Magazine, Eats Gold Chain - Then he says “chain” in his normal voice, stops, then says “BALLIN” in a deeper voice, because “ball and chain” and “ballin” are both phrases. [Smoking Section]

Steve Buscemi Has Amassed Quite An Impressive Death Reel - Steve Buscemi has an impressive everything, except face. And one time he made out with hottest possible Thora Birch. [UPROXX]

Kirk Cameron Swears His Birthday Party Was Actually Super Fun And Everyone Came - but now how you’re thinking [Film Drunk]

Hot Chicks with Butthead Gums - All they had to do was use a normal picture of Miley Cyrus, her mouth usually looks like that already. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Guide to the Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse - “Kill maybe one zombie a day, spend the rest of your time having relationship issues with your friends and gritting your teeth.” [Adult Swim]

25 Things You May Not Know About ‘Donnie Darko’ - #26: What happened in the movie ‘Donnie Darko’. [Moviefone]

12 Absurd Boxer Shorts That Will Guarantee You Never Seal the Deal With a Woman - If you wear boxer shorts at all (and aren’t like, Rick Ross) you shouldn’t get laid. Boxer briefs are where it’s at, gentlemen. [The Smoking Jacket]

Jeopardy Legend Ken Jennings Is a 99 Percenter - I’m happy to be finally lumped in with this guy about something. [The Daily What]

61-Year-Old Man Steals $130,000 From Employer to Fund His Online Porn Subscriptions - Just like the time I got my ex-girlfriend to get me a trial subscription to Camwhorevids, but on a grander scale. (P.S. I miss you, Mitra) [Brobible]

The Evolution of Cosplay in One Image - What the guy at Unreality know is that the one on the right is supposed to look like that. Also, which one is on the right. [Unreality]

What you’re watching is the (No Self-) Respect Fighting Championship 6 Pro -88kg bout wherein Jörg Lothmann knocks out Jeffrey Waltmans with a spinning kick to the face and an admonishing-a-dog-style slap to the back of the neck. This fight is of interest for two reasons: Jörg Lothmann is 44-years old, and he has one of the most hilarious torsos in professional sports.

Seriously, look at that thing. From the back it looks like the top of a butt, and from the front it looks like … I don’t know, an earlobe? If you look at the picture on the right and take away his head and limbs it looks like a goldfish’s face. When he breathes it looks like he’s trying to suck up fish food through his navel.

The fight comes to us by way of Fightlinker and many a “gunt” joke was had, at least until aptly-named commenter “Carcass” dropped the science:

Men can’t have gunts…by definition, they are a female phenomenon – a portmanteau of gut-cunt.

This man has a muffin-drop or gut-hang.

Between the instant ref stoppage and Waltmans going down like he was fighting Kimbo Slice I can’t vouch for the legitimacy of Respect Fighting Championship 6, so I’ll ask you to draw your own conclusions.

(About what to call his stomach, I mean.)

[h/t to Vince Mancini]

I’m a pretty healthy guy, but sometimes I get halfway up a flight of steps and consider lying down and napping it off. The guy in the turban and the not-exactly-matching track suit is Fauja Singh, a shoot 100-year old man who completed the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon in close to eight hours, making him the oldest person to finish the 26.2-mile race. It’s official: I’ve lost my last excuse, and now must come to terms with the fact that I’m terrible and bad at everything.

From NBC New York:

It was the eighth marathon for Singh, who was born India in 1911 and did not start running marathons until he was 89, after he moved to England following the death of his wife and son. He says not smoking or drinking alcohol throughout his life, combined with a vegetarian diet and up to 10 miles of walking or running per day are the secrets to his health.

“He says no one is forcing him to do it. It’s his desire to do it,” coach and translator Harmander Singh said Sunday in an interview with CNN. “He wanted to do one when he’s 100 and today’s the day.”

I like that they included the statement from his trainer, as if he was a Toddler in a Tiara and was being forced to jog for eight hours. Anyway, Singh’s 8:25.17 put him six hours behind the winner, 38-year old Kenneth Mungara of Kenya, and the “Sikhs in the City” shirt he wore for the race is proof that he’s legitimately 100. The run not only gets him a story on NBC New York and national coverage as an inspiration but a spot in the Guinness Book Of World Records, topping the previous Oldest Marathoner, Dimitrion Yordanidis, a 98-year old who ran in Athens in 1976.

You can check out footage of him finishing up the race after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »