screengrab via SBN

After a brief hiatus to deal with objective weekly winners like DeAndre Jordan’s dunk on Brandon Knight, LeBron’s ridiculous circus posterization of Jason Terry and Doug Anderson’s destruction of the space-time continuum, the Wednesday Dunk Battle is back!

If this is your first Dunk Battle, here are the rules: You have to watch the following dunks and vote on which one is the best, because science doesn’t do itself. There’s a handy poll at the bottom, so take your time and go through each clip frame by frame, vote, then drop down into the comments section to let us know who you voted for.

This week’s dunks:

1. Russell Westbrook elevates and dunks on the Utah Jazz
2. LeBron James alley-oops the ball to himself off the backboard and dunks, because LeBron James
3. Blake Griffin goes for a finger roll, calls an audible, dunks his finger roll
4. Terrence Ross’ 360 180 degree jam

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It isn’t much of a big deal when rapper-turned-house-flipper Vanilla Ice shows up to perform at halftime for NBA games, because the artist otherwise known as Rob Van Winkle has done it before. But nevertheless I like it when he does, because it gives me a chance to complain about one of my guiltiest pleasures, The Vanilla Ice Project on DIY, thanks to the loosest of ties to sports.

While I enjoy watching house flip shows, especially when they involve Q-list celebrities, VIP drives me nuts because he goes so amazingly overboard that I can’t imagine someone spending $1 million for one of his custom home renovations in South Florida. I mean, I know that people buy the homes, because wealthy people in South Florida are insane, but some of the perks that he adds to his homes just blow my mind.

Take this season, for example. He’s working on a house that was abandoned for seven years and left to just completely rot against nature’s devices. The house sits on a huge lot with a giant lake behind it, and he probably fetched close to $1 million for his rebuild, if not more. That lake, like most bodies of water in South Florida, has alligators, and yet Vanilla and his crew added a giant human slingshot to the backyard.

When they’re building these homes, do they even consider things like homeowners’ insurance? I, for one, would not like to spend my hard-earned cocaine-trafficking money on paying for one of my son’s snot-nosed friend’s hospital bills after his arms are torn off by an angry family of gators. But maybe that’s just me.

In conclusion, the Milwaukee Bucks lost to the Oklahoma City Thunder on Saturday night.

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Robert Swift was drafted 12th overall by the Seattle Supersonics in 2004, and, at the time, taking Swift straight out of high school seemed like a solid move, because the 2004 NBA Draft mostly sucked. Unfortunately, Swift’s career became a prime example of why the NBA wanted kids to spend at least a year in college, and it seems that Swift may have recently been reflecting on his decision to turn pro at 18 as a huge mistake.

Swift’s Washington mansion had been in foreclosure since last year, and a couple eventually purchased it at a fraction of the original price, but there was one notable problem with their desire to actually live in it – Swift refused to leave. Now, the once-promising center has finally left, and the couple faces a new problem – the mansion is a complete sh*thole. Literally.

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Oklahoma City Thunder forward Serge Ibaka has some anger issues. See also: that time he tried to rip off Mike Dunleavy’s arm. He’s the kind of guy where if somebody came up to you and said “Serge Ibaka just flagrantly punched a dude in the nuts during a professional basketball game,” you’d be all, heh, classic Serge.

If you missed it earlier in the week, Ibaka got called for a flagrant 1 foul late in the fourth in OKC’s 108-104 victory over the LA Clippers for, without grace or mercy or subterfuge, hauling off and whaling on Blake Griffin’s nuts. Everybody has an opinion about it. Kendrick Perkins thinks Griffin deserved it because he flops a lot, and that it should’ve been a “double foul.” Kobe Bryant says he probably would’ve smacked Ibaka in the mouth.

The one constant has been the assumption that Ibaka would get suspended, because seriously, watch the video. Griffin isn’t flopping, he got punched in the junk by a guy whose Eagle Claw could rip a hole in steel. News of the punishment came in yesterday afternoon, and sure enough, Serge was suspended for … wait, he wasn’t? Really?

The NBA announced Tuesday that Ibaka’s foul was upgraded to a flagrant 2 and he was fined $25,000 for striking Griffin in the groin area, but Ibaka was not suspended.

Before the ruling was handed down, Griffin said he didn’t “see how it could be let go” by the league with only a fine.

“I’m not going to cry,” Griffin said after practice Tuesday. “I’m not going to complain.” (via LA Times)

Griffin handled the situation as well as anybody could, but achieved legendary status for last night’s tweet, which cuts to the heart of the matter while remaining light-hearted and brand-conscious:

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Because we know our readers, I’m posting some last second Valentine’s Day ideas for our bros so they don’t end up getting dumped by their stripper girlfriends and catfish today. For starters, take your babe to Hooters for that awesome deal above, because nothing says, “I love you, girl” like staring at a college girl’s fake breasts while pretending to care about your girlfriend’s smelly co-worker with the “hips that couldn’t fit through the St. Louis Arch”.

Additionally, you can read her one of these beautiful love poems that me and some much more notable comedians wrote. However, if you choose to combine these two ideas, not even a condom wrapped in a diaphragm can stop all of the babies that you’re going to make tonight. So tread lightly.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the return of the Wednesday Dunk Battle, the Internet’s only democratic, scientific determination of slam dunk effectiveness in relation to its peers!

If you’ve never participated in a Wednesday Dunk Battle, now’s the time to start. All you have to do is watch four slam dunk videos (the best kind of videos, fact) and decide which dunk is the most slam-dunkingest in the included poll. The winner will receive two prizes: (1) great admiration from the readership of a comedy sports blog, (2) a continued life of being a millionaire.

This week’s dunks are:

1. Kevin Durant dunking on the Los Angeles Clippers so hard their families felt it
2. Last Thursday’s LeBron James effort that made Kobe Bryant’s face do this emoticon – :O
3. Damian Lillard turning Nene from the Washington Wizards into Nene from the Real Housewives
4. Alonzo Gee making Kevin Garnett something something Honey Nut Cheerios

Please watch each clip carefully, then vote!

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