Whoever thought of mashing up Teen Wolf and Miss Piggy deserves a free beer, because this silly-looking Wookie seems to be a hot topic of discussion today. I understand that Rumble, the new mascot of the Oklahoma City Thunder, was a last-minute replacement for the team’s original mascot idea, a fun-loving, knife-wielding chimpanzee.

The Thunder concocted a background story for the mascot, saying Rumble helped save the rest of his herd of bison during a ferocious storm before he was stranded alone in the Arbuckle Mountains and was struck by a bolt of lightning that gave him added strength and agility.

The bolt of lightning also gave him a huge, 17-inch penis and a profound fear of loud household appliances. Just don’t spend too much time out with your friends this weekend, or you might come home to sheets full of hybrid bison semen. You’ve been warned.

[Canadian Press, eh?]

Yesterday, the cockholster who moved the Seattle Sonics to the dust bowl unveiled the team’s new name, which was leaked six weeks ago, and the team’s new logo, which was leaked over the weekend. So it surprised precisely no one when they both sucked.

You know, when I root against the Steelers or the Yankees or whoever, I merely want the team to lose.  In a way, I need the existence of such teams because I need a villain, a foil.  Not so with Clay Bennett and Oklahoma City.  I want the franchise to fail, and fail spectacularly.  I want NBA stars to shun it.  I want it to hemorrhage money.  And if by some cruel twist of fate I write this blog long enough to see Bennett die, I’m going to write a joyous obituary celebrating the loss of one more carpetbagging rule-dodging asshole.

Yeah, I can hold a grudge.

The Oregon Ducks' offensive line has released a calendar (full slideshow here), and there really isn't much I can add to the commentary nailed by Every Day Should Be Saturday; Orson Swindle finds the perfect balance of respecting their sense of humor while making fun of the gay innuendo.

The calendar was used as a carrot to keep the linemen in shape during the offseason, and proceeds will go to the National Childhood Obesity Foundation, which makes me like the calendar even more.  I hate childhood obesity.  And by childhood obesity I mean fat kids.  Let's not dress it up in pretty words, people.  They're fat kids because their parents are lazy and stuff them with bacon and sugar and let them play video games.  It's bullshit.  Kids should be outside, starving and foraging through the forest, trusting their instincts when one false move can lead to a deadly sickness or injury — like I had to.

…What?  So I grew up feral.  What's the big deal?