OJ Simpson’s quest to find the real killers was derailed in 2008 when he was sentenced to 33 years in Nevada state prison for armed robbery. That mission hit another bump in the road when Simpson got his ass kicked in the prison yard, according to a report released today by the National Enquirer.

Inmates cheered as a muscular young skinhead knocked him to the ground, punching and kicking him to a bloody pulp and inflicting injuries so severe he secretly spent nearly three weeks in the infirmary before he recovered.

The humiliating beating left 63-year-old Simpson in agony – and threw him into a spiral of depression so deep that he’s now afraid to venture out of his cell, divulge sources.[..]

Unknown to the former NFL star, The Juice has been a marked man behind bars ever since white supremacists overheard him brag about his sexual conquests of beautiful white women.

Oh, sure. Label the guy a racist. He had to watch The Naked Gun movies just like the rest of us. Like the Queen of England could ever throw a curveball like that. We’re not idiots, Hollywood!

Via The Score, whose Naked Gun joke was much better than mine.

UPDATE via Will Brinson:

Just got off the phone with Nevada Corrections: “no truth whatsoever” to OJ Simpson story. “He’s perfectly fine and healty” [sic]

Wow. This could seriously damage the credibility of the National Enquirer.

Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

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It was 15 years ago yesterday that California’s judicial system first openly told the rest of the world: “If you’re a celebrity and you like to commit serious felonies then move here!” On October 3, 1995, Orenthal James “The Bus Driver” Simpson was found not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. A very diligent and incorruptible defense team was able to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that O.J. had nothing to do with stabbing two people in a blind rage. And through that verdict, race relations in America were never better.

They say that the O.J. Simpson verdict is one of those events that you’ll always remember what you were doing when it happened, like the Kennedy assassination or Snooki getting punched. But I really don’t remember what I was doing on that day. It was 1995, so I was probably dry humping the girl who lived down the street. Or I was bribing the gas station guy to give me a case of St. Ide’s Special Brew for $100. Hooray for not understanding money as a teenager!

Reflections of the star of the Naked Gun trilogy and the only good thing to ever happen to the Buffalo Bills after the jump.

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Today, we’re bringing you the Best of WL from 2009: my favorite posts (and yours, if you make mention of them in the comments) from the last year. It’ll be an excellent precursor to your rampage of irresponsibility on New Year’s Eve.

I know what you’re thinking, “What’s OJ Simpson has been up to lately.” Pies? You were thinking of pies? Eh, I was close. Anyway, Simpson’s still in jail, where he’s been since he was sentenced to 15 years in prison in December for armed robbery. And it sounds like he’s really starting to fit in with the guys at Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada, according to the National Enquirer:

According to the tabloid, Simpson has told pals, “My cellmate is nuts. He’s a killer, and he hates me. He told me that he is in prison for murder and rape, and he hates my guts because I got away with murdering my ex-wife.

“He’s told me he is going to strangle me in my sleep the first chance he gets.” via.

Sheesh. Roommates, ya know? They’re either drinking all your milk or moving your car keys around or threatening to end your life with their bare hands. You’d think they’d put the rapists together with the other rapists so they could bond over their common ground. Bond against each other’s will, anyway. Seems appropriate to me, as long as one guy isn’t using all the hot water. Thanks, flubby.

Originally published July 25th, 2009.

O.J. Simpson actually had a court ruling in his favor earlier this week. No, he’s not out of jail. He won a court case that decided the ownership of some of that memorabilia that he tried to steal a couple years ago:

In a ruling that capped more than a year of legal wrangling, Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg on Tuesday gave nine souvenir footballs and a few other items to a lawyer for Simpson nemesis Fred Goldman for auction. Goldman is trying to collect on a $33.5 million civil judgment against Simpson.

But in another odd twist, the judge said Simpson must get the first $6,075 from the auction. Rosenberg said it was possible that figure would not be reached, and then Goldman would get nothing. via.

This was from a bundle of crap that Simpson was trying to steal (back?) from memorabilia dealer Bruce Fromborg. However, Fromborg was allowed to keep most of his OJ stuff that was stolen from him in that September 2007 robbery: something like 600 photographs and a few books. I’d be more interested in a certain knife and pair of black Bruno Magli shoes. Oh, no particular reason. A friend of mine’s getting married in October, and I don’t really feel like buying him a blender.

OJ Simpson might be out of jail before you know it; his case is up for review before the Nevada state supreme court, specifically to decide whether or not Simpson should be allowed to post bail during his appeal on 12 charges, including armed robbery. Lawyers for Simpson and co-defendant Clarence “C.J.” Stewart are arguing that the pair did not receive a fair trial before their October 2008 conviction:

Justice Michael Cherry didn’t say at the end of a hearing Monday how long it will take for the three-member panel to rule on whether the former football star and convicted co-defendant Clarence “C.J.” Stewart should be allowed to post bond. via.

And…that’s really all we know right now. But consider this a public service to get out of the habits of returning people’s sunglasses and dating white women. That’s really why we’re here. That and all the free buffalo wings.