"And I figured, why just destroy my legacy? Why not the Simpson name forever?"

It has been 17 years since a California jury declared that former Buffalo Bills running back OJ Simpson was not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her dude bro, Ronald Goldman. And despite the irreparable damage that this one trial did to the last two decades of California “justice” against celebrity criminals, we have not stopped talking about it, because it has just always been that remarkable.

Well put on your “Oh you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me” faces, because there is a new “development” in the case, and by development I mean that some dude realized that there’s still cash to be milked from this saggy teat. Private investigator William C. Dear has a new book, OJ is Innocent and I Can Prove It, and he claims that he knows who the real killer is… OJ’s son.

Everybody all together now!

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Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett is a Renaissance Man. In the last week and a half he’s live-blogged a run-in with the police and purchased an alligator as a response to almost being bitten by one. Now, the only man to date to use wealth and social media properly is live-blogging his own response to the Casey Anthony trial, a trial America has been forced to follow in detail whether they want to or not thanks to the bumrush of television and online coverage. Seriously, it’s everywhere. I opened up my copy of Great Expectations and found an illustrated chart of Casey’s imaginary friends folded up and crammed inside.

So begins part two of our Darnell Dockett @Storytime series. A couple of warnings: this is reproduced from Dockett’s Twitter, so beware some foul language and adult situations even if the heavier stuff is edited. Also, there is a picture of Dockett’s son in some extremely small pajamas. And he’s trying to go to sleep in them! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Please enjoy a recap of (and a shared emotional response to) the Casey Anthony trial courtesy of a guy who owns an alligator and knows Kim Kardashian.

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O.J. Simpson has just confessed to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. To quote our own Burnsy, “I’m so shocked that I can’t even make a fart noise.” In the never-before-seen alternate ending to 1995, Simpson confessed to a producer for Oprah Winfrey and is going to re-confess to Oprah herself in a televised interview. Are they going to tape it from inside of Al Capone’s vault? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful dead wife.

This is a huge story for anybody who lived through the American ’90s, although the breaking NESN report on the situation contains one little line that might ruin it all:

Several news outlets are citing the National Enquirer with breaking the news.

This is the same source that told me Satan’s face was in the 9/11 smoke, so I’m not going to get too excited about it until O.J. is in LeBron’s Decision Chair, sobbing to Oprah about how sorry he is for dimming the star of Ron Goldman, holding his face in his hands while wearing some ill-fitting Isotoners. Oh, and I forgot the best part.

Simpson claimed he stabbed Nicole in self-defense.

There you have it, everybody. O.J. did it, but only after his battered ex-wife tried to kill him first, in her own home, while technically still on a date with somebody else. Somewhere up in Heaven, Johnnie Cochran is flipping the hell out and flipping over tables.

Edit: Aaaaaaand we’re fake! A report from The Hollywood Reporter (about Hollywood) says the Enquirer name drop is bogus, and the best we can hope for now is one of those Blake Lively “we wanted to show you her boobs by accident, but not this soon” situations.

Despite a National Enquirer report that Simpson confessed from prison to murdering ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, a rep for Harpo tells The Hollywood Reporter, “That’s not true.”

Maybe O.J. is twittering from prison and will read all of this, and do the right thing (for money).

OJ Simpson’s quest to find the real killers was derailed in 2008 when he was sentenced to 33 years in Nevada state prison for armed robbery. That mission hit another bump in the road when Simpson got his ass kicked in the prison yard, according to a report released today by the National Enquirer.

Inmates cheered as a muscular young skinhead knocked him to the ground, punching and kicking him to a bloody pulp and inflicting injuries so severe he secretly spent nearly three weeks in the infirmary before he recovered.

The humiliating beating left 63-year-old Simpson in agony – and threw him into a spiral of depression so deep that he’s now afraid to venture out of his cell, divulge sources.[..]

Unknown to the former NFL star, The Juice has been a marked man behind bars ever since white supremacists overheard him brag about his sexual conquests of beautiful white women.

Oh, sure. Label the guy a racist. He had to watch The Naked Gun movies just like the rest of us. Like the Queen of England could ever throw a curveball like that. We’re not idiots, Hollywood!

Via The Score, whose Naked Gun joke was much better than mine.

UPDATE via Will Brinson:

Just got off the phone with Nevada Corrections: “no truth whatsoever” to OJ Simpson story. “He’s perfectly fine and healty” [sic]

Wow. This could seriously damage the credibility of the National Enquirer.

Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

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It was 15 years ago yesterday that California’s judicial system first openly told the rest of the world: “If you’re a celebrity and you like to commit serious felonies then move here!” On October 3, 1995, Orenthal James “The Bus Driver” Simpson was found not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. A very diligent and incorruptible defense team was able to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that O.J. had nothing to do with stabbing two people in a blind rage. And through that verdict, race relations in America were never better.

They say that the O.J. Simpson verdict is one of those events that you’ll always remember what you were doing when it happened, like the Kennedy assassination or Snooki getting punched. But I really don’t remember what I was doing on that day. It was 1995, so I was probably dry humping the girl who lived down the street. Or I was bribing the gas station guy to give me a case of St. Ide’s Special Brew for $100. Hooray for not understanding money as a teenager!

Reflections of the star of the Naked Gun trilogy and the only good thing to ever happen to the Buffalo Bills after the jump.

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