what, why not

Can I write “ejaculating” in a headline and get away with it? Who knows, GOIN’ FOR IT.

If you’re like me or any other sentient, living human being, you may not think about Don Mattingly when you’re having sex. People have been making that “think about baseball” joke for decades, and sure, that works, but “baseball” does not necessarily mean “Don Mattingly’s face.”

To further illustrated this point (for whatever reason), the extremely talented Scott Rogowsky from ‘Running Late with Scott Rogowsky’ put together a clip called How Not To Orgasm. A lot of the examples are sports-related — A League Of Their Own gets quoted at one point, and hey, does O.J. Simpson still count as sports? — so I’m rationalizing that I can share it here. Hell, if we can write about Kate Upton because she was on the cover of a sports magazine, we can write about OTHER naked people mentioning sports, right?

I’ve included the clip after the jump because it’s pretty NSFW. It meets the YouTube decency guidelines or whatever and isn’t actually porn, but the content is profane by nature, and the illusion of naked folks is there. Especially with Scott’s co-star Karley Sciortino. Her day job is running a blog called Slutever, so … you know, be aware of that. Extremely aware of that.

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As always, if a story comes from the National Enquirer and is picked up by the likes of Perez Hilton and the Daily Mail, then we need to take it with a grain of salt, but after everything that OJ Simpson has been through over the past 17 years, f*ck it. According to a report in today’s new issue of the Enquirer, Simpson is allegedly trying to quietly sell the knife that he used to kill his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover Ronald Goldman. You know, if he had actually done it.

Almost two decades after the gruesome double murders that captivated the nation, the former NFL hero — who is currently serving time for a Nevada armed robbery — is reportedly trying to profit from his alleged cold–blooded crime by negotiating a $5 million deal, an insider told theEnquirer.

“O.J. wants the deal to be a well-kept secret,” confided the source. “He’s looking for a strictly cash deal so that the money can be deposited in offshore accounts and can’t be traced directly to him.”

It was long speculated that Simpson either dumped the knife in a trash can after allegedly committing the June 1994 killings before jumping on a flight to Chicago, or took it with him and disposed of it in a park, but the source told the Enquirer that both rumors were “red herrings.” (Via Q95)

Sorry, all I can think of to this day whenever someone uses the phrase “red herring” is A Pup Named Scooby Doo and Fred’s obsession with Red Herring. Man, that was an underrated cartoon.

As for this “news”, if this is true, would it really surprise you? The guy wrote a book entitled, “If I Did It” that explained how he would have actually murdered Nicole if he had done it. The only thing less shocking than the Juice trying to sell the murder weapon as a collectible would be Kris Jenner brokering the deal. Also, this guy has to announce the sale…

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With the 2012 Summer Olympics wrapped up and the NFL season still a few weeks away, the standard summer sports boredom that we all suffer has been lessened to some extent – unless you like baseball and America. But slow news day and all, I’ve been a little distracted by this video that was Tweeted out by comedienne Jenny Johnson over the weekend. It appears that Kim Kardashian isn’t the only talentless woman in her family with dreams of pop music superstardom based on the low expectations and poor taste of this great country.

At some point in the 1980s, the Kardashian matriarch, Kris Jenner, decided to give singing a try in a video that she recorded to honor of all her famous friends. It was basically a VHS lesson in name-dropping. And right there in the middle of the whole, terrifying butchering of a Randy Newman classic is O.J. Simpson, the reason that we even have these wretched fame leeches in the first place.

As always, I watched it, so you get to watch it now. Fair is fair, friends.

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"And I figured, why just destroy my legacy? Why not the Simpson name forever?"

It has been 17 years since a California jury declared that former Buffalo Bills running back OJ Simpson was not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her dude bro, Ronald Goldman. And despite the irreparable damage that this one trial did to the last two decades of California “justice” against celebrity criminals, we have not stopped talking about it, because it has just always been that remarkable.

Well put on your “Oh you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me” faces, because there is a new “development” in the case, and by development I mean that some dude realized that there’s still cash to be milked from this saggy teat. Private investigator William C. Dear has a new book, OJ is Innocent and I Can Prove It, and he claims that he knows who the real killer is… OJ’s son.

Everybody all together now!

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Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett is a Renaissance Man. In the last week and a half he’s live-blogged a run-in with the police and purchased an alligator as a response to almost being bitten by one. Now, the only man to date to use wealth and social media properly is live-blogging his own response to the Casey Anthony trial, a trial America has been forced to follow in detail whether they want to or not thanks to the bumrush of television and online coverage. Seriously, it’s everywhere. I opened up my copy of Great Expectations and found an illustrated chart of Casey’s imaginary friends folded up and crammed inside.

So begins part two of our Darnell Dockett @Storytime series. A couple of warnings: this is reproduced from Dockett’s Twitter, so beware some foul language and adult situations even if the heavier stuff is edited. Also, there is a picture of Dockett’s son in some extremely small pajamas. And he’s trying to go to sleep in them! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Please enjoy a recap of (and a shared emotional response to) the Casey Anthony trial courtesy of a guy who owns an alligator and knows Kim Kardashian.

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O.J. Simpson has just confessed to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. To quote our own Burnsy, “I’m so shocked that I can’t even make a fart noise.” In the never-before-seen alternate ending to 1995, Simpson confessed to a producer for Oprah Winfrey and is going to re-confess to Oprah herself in a televised interview. Are they going to tape it from inside of Al Capone’s vault? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful dead wife.

This is a huge story for anybody who lived through the American ’90s, although the breaking NESN report on the situation contains one little line that might ruin it all:

Several news outlets are citing the National Enquirer with breaking the news.

This is the same source that told me Satan’s face was in the 9/11 smoke, so I’m not going to get too excited about it until O.J. is in LeBron’s Decision Chair, sobbing to Oprah about how sorry he is for dimming the star of Ron Goldman, holding his face in his hands while wearing some ill-fitting Isotoners. Oh, and I forgot the best part.

Simpson claimed he stabbed Nicole in self-defense.

There you have it, everybody. O.J. did it, but only after his battered ex-wife tried to kill him first, in her own home, while technically still on a date with somebody else. Somewhere up in Heaven, Johnnie Cochran is flipping the hell out and flipping over tables.

Edit: Aaaaaaand we’re fake! A report from The Hollywood Reporter (about Hollywood) says the Enquirer name drop is bogus, and the best we can hope for now is one of those Blake Lively “we wanted to show you her boobs by accident, but not this soon” situations.

Despite a National Enquirer report that Simpson confessed from prison to murdering ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, a rep for Harpo tells The Hollywood Reporter, “That’s not true.”

Maybe O.J. is twittering from prison and will read all of this, and do the right thing (for money).