The best part of any sports mascot making national news is that I’ve probably got a picture with him.

That’s me on the right (in a Cliff Lee Indians shersey, if you need to place it) with Stomper, mascot of the Lake Erie Crushers, an independent minor league team in Lorain County, Ohio. In what I can only assume to be a terrible episode of “Saved By The Bell”, Stomper’s head has gone missing. The video, courtesy of the fine people at Sports Grid, details the full investigation launched to retrieve an enormous, custom-made plush bear head, and the real news is that the report is hilarious and unbelievably overblown.

The people interviewed don’t seem to care much (“uh, yeah, the head costs money, so”) but Fox News 8 breaks out the Mission: Impossible theme, provides a deep history of Stomper’s presence at the park and puts a passionate emphasis on how important his dancing has been to Lorain County. “You used to be able to see Stomper dancing here … but now you can’t.” This is easily the worst thing to happen to Minor League mascots since I couldn’t meet Dingbat of the Bristol White Sox because the kid who plays him was “at church”.

If you’re the type who might know where to find his “beautiful, furry face”, please contact the Lake Eerie Crushers. Also, what the hell is wrong with you?

[h/t Pete Holby]

One of the things we love most here at the Uproxx Fortress of Porn Solitude is free porn a good meme. And when that meme combines with sports, well then we’re happier than a kitten with its head stuck in a can of Pringles. Unfortunately, this world is full of those stupid old people who don’t get jokes. What do we call them? Oh yeah, adults.

Kirtland High School laid a 49-7 spanking on Painesville Harvey in Ohio football action Friday night, and we would have never heard a word about it if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their no-good memes. After the game, a banner was displayed with the popular phrase “U Mad Bro?” as Painesville left the field. Nobody could possibly be mad about that, right?

Y U NO GET SARCASM???

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It’s been almost thirty years, but we have our first indication that Dennis Rodman is a normal human being: he hates LeBron James.

TMZ is reporting that a “local patron” of Akron, Ohio, named Michael Douglas stopped by a local bar because he heard Rodman was drinking there. Like any free-thinking citizen of Ohio, he approached Rodman and asked him if he was “in town to check up on LeBron”. So, like any free-thinking human being interacting with someone from Ohio, Rodman shoved him. TMZ makes sure to note that the Michael Douglas in question is not the actor, but he got shoved on his ass, so he’s at least Falling Down.

Police aren’t pursuing an investigation due to lack of evidence and Rodman’s reps are saying he has “no idea what this is about”, so here’s my theory; somebody told Michael Douglas the Ohioan that Dennis Rodman was drinking at a bar in Akron, but it was probably just a really tall black guy who didn’t want to be bothered and this guy went a-quippin’ and got pie-faced for it.

More people should get pie-faced for making LeBron jokes in public. I should be getting pie-faced almost constantly. I should be the Marc Summers of LeBron James jokes.

Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted last year, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. He plays for the Miami Heat, and because the Heat lost the NBA Finals, Governor John Kasich has drafted a proclamation making the Dallas Mavericks, assumedly even the ones like Caron Butler, honorary Ohioans.

Ack, sorry, I can’t keep up the Comic Sans. Who types like that, honestly? Anyway, the Governor’s proclamation is more or less childish schadenfruede (can schadenfruede be childish? Do you have to enjoy the ill-will of a child?) and should be taken with a grain of salt. Although if I was Jason Kidd (or whoever), I’d move to Dayton (or wherever) and use this as an explanation for why I shouldn’t have to update my driver’s license. I enjoy a good Nelson Muntz-style NYAH HA as much as the next guy, and as someone who lived in Cleveland for four years and considered but ultimately decided against buying both LeBron James AND Shaq jerseys I should find this hilarious. And sure, I do, but not as much as if metropolitan Akron had just stepped back and smirked while LeBron baked in his own slightly-less-great-than-God agony.

Ohio should keep doing this and make Art Modell everyone who played ’97 Florida Marlins honorary Michiganians.

[Proclamation pic courtesy of OTB]

Golden-voiced panhandler Ted Williams is having a fire…sale. He’s planning to auction off his camouflage jacket and cardboard sign. Because where else could you get those?

The man with the golden voice wanted to put the sign on eBay to raise money for the “Ted Williams Second Chance Foundation.”

During his homeless days, Williams used the sign to panhandle and was holding it the day he was discovered by a reporter from The Columbus Dispatch.

–Fox 8 Cleveland.

I have a feeling that his “Second Chance Foundation” is a rubber coin purse in his sock where he keeps his booze money. You know what they say, after a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, you’ll surely find a fifth. Actually, I don’t know anyone that says that. It’s quite long and cumbersome to be a popular saying.

In a video that was pretty much everywhere yesterday, Ted Williams, a homeless man living in central Ohio, shared what he called his God-given gift of a great voice. Yesterday, he was offered what any gainfully employed announcer only dreams about: a full-time job with an NBA team.

Now that Williams’ voice has been heard, he’s making appearances — he was on Ohio radio this morning, and he’ll be on NBC’s “Today Show” on Thursday — and the job prospects seem to be pouring in. Here are a few of the new possible opportunities for Williams.

• The Cleveland Cavaliers: A representative of the Cavs called into “The Morning Zoo” on WNCI, a local Ohio station, this morning to offer Williams a full-time voice-over job and a house.
• The NFL: No offer has been made yet, but a director of post-production from the NFL told The Columbus Dispatch, “My boss said to me: ‘If you don’t get him hired, you’re fired.’ … I can’t make any guarantees, but I’d love to get him some work.”
• The Ohio Credit Union League: Also on WNCI this morning, Williams was offered a $10,000 opportunity to do voice-over work for the Ohio Credit Union League, pending a background check.
• MTV: Someone claiming to be from MTV called into “The Morning Zoo” to say that they’d love to work with Williams.
• ESPN: According to WNCI, ESPN has expressed interest in Williams, too.
• Radio: A Pennsylvania radio station is apparently interested in Williams.
• Giving back: The television station WBNS-TV wants to use Williams as a narrator for One Day To End Homelessness, a telethon planned for Jan. 31.

The most prominent of those has to be the job with the Cleveland Cavaliers, who offered to buy him a house and pay his mortgage. Williams was involved in radio in the past before encountering trouble with drugs and alcohol. Just enjoy the video and his subsequent radio show appearance after the jump. And wow, that guy does have a great voice. I want to run that voice into a bathtub and splash around in it.