Only in Utah could dyed blond hair be indicative of a deviant lifestyle (in the sense that it's outrageous and not just gay). That's the stance taken by Jazz's Jerry Sloan, who objects to Kyrylo Fesenko's newly bleached hair.

"He's got a long way to go to make himself a better player," Sloan said. "He has skills, but sometimes the outside things will take you right out of this game. If those things are more important than basketball, that's where you get in trouble."

"A lot of people have skills," Sloan added. "A lot of them are sitting on the sidewalk wondering what happened 20 years ago when they had a chance. He's got to figure out what he wants to do and play basketball or be a clown."

I don't know where Sloan has been living where homeless people sit on the streets with dyed blond hair questioning what went wrong with their lives, but it's probably the most fabulouth place on Earth. Those bottles of peroxide are awful addictive though. You start out slow but soon those flaxen tresses get so good to you that you'll do anything to keep them. Even if it means… well, I won't go into too much detail. Let's just say platinum pubes do exist.

NBA — It's as though home teams are actually faring well in these playoffs! The Celtics and the Lakers grabbed 3-2 series leads with clear but less than dominant victories, giving them a chance to maybe consider winning a road game to close out a series, but we know better. Kobe must have snuck in a quick backiotomy prior to tip, as the Mamba lost the hitch in his step from Game 3 and uncoiled for 26 points, joining the rest of the Lakers' starters in double-figures. Pau Gasol's (21 points, six rebounds, eight assists) two field goals inside the final two minutes helped shut the door on the Jazz.

The Celtics spread the offensive well, getting 26 points from Kevin Garnett, 29 from Paul Pierce and 20 from Rajon Rondo. LeBron found his shot – for a half. James got the Cavs up 43-29 in the 2nd with eight straight points. Boston narrowed the gap to 46-43 by half and left the Cavs for dead with a 29-17 third quarter. 

NHL — The Stars' insolence showed in their 3-1 win in Game 4 to send the Western Conference Finals back to Detroit for a very, very necessary Game 5. There's your gutsy win for pride in front of the home crowd, Dallas. Great good effort, guys.  So, over now? Please say yes. 

MLB – C.C. Sabathia gives the Indians their league-leading 7th shutout win this year with a complete game five-hitter…Tom Glavine gets his first victory since returning to the Braves, giving up Chase Utley's league-leading 14th homer but finishing with a serviceable four earned in 5 2/3 in the Braves' 8-6 win over the Phillies…The Brewers blown save by Guillermo Mota in Milwaukee's 6-4 loss to L.A. shouldn't be misconstrued as a boon for Eric Gagne. Rather that the Brewers have no effective short relievers…Never fails. People spend Monday gawking about the Marlins and Rays atop their divisions aaaand BAM, that day both teams lose. All their fans will be pissed, once they come into existence.

Deseret News (link via Ball Don't Lie) profiled Jazz guard Kyle Korver, and it seems the recent transplant from Philadelphia is more popular than ever before:

On any night in EnergySolutions Arena, there are enough signs to fill the Republican Convention, most of them held aloft by women. Kyle, we love you. Kyle, will you marry me? From two young girls: Kyle, will you wait for me? From two older women: Why go for two when you can go for three? [...]

Korver's female fans are different than what you might expect from the NBA arena. For the most part, these are not groupies in provocative, come-hither clothing. These are grandmas, housewives, grade-school kids and teens, ranging in age from 7 to 60…

TV stations and newspapers have already produced several in-depth profiles about Korver, and he's only been with the team for four months. The media honeymoon is on for Korver. Veteran TV newscasters like Shauna Lake are reduced to asking fawning questions like this one: "What did your mom do to raise a guy like you?" [...]

Go figure. All this attention and adulation for a player who averages less than 10 points and plays less than half the game.

Yes, go figure.  Why would Utah fans embrace a role-player when the heart and soul of the team are Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer?  Can anyone solve this mystery?  It's like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in thousands and thousands of white people.

Before Demetrius Bell was drafted in the seventh round by the Buffalo Bills, his closest tie to the world of professional sports was through his absentee father, legendary Jazz forward Karl Malone.  They didn't meet until Bell was 18, when Malone told him "it was too late to be his father, and that Bell would have to 'earn his money on his own.'"

And then there's this nugget from Allan Wilson of the Buffalo News:

[Demetrius's] mother, Gloria Bell, reportedly was only 13 years old and Malone a college sophomore at Louisiana Tech when Demetrius was born. Malone might have served jail time had her family asked the district attorney to file criminal charges.

Hold on, hold on, I'm using my calculator.  13 years, minus nine months of pregnancy, carry the one… Wow.  If Wilson's claim is correct, then there's a 75% chance that Karl Malone slept with a 12-year-old when he was in college.  And a 100% chance he's a child molester.  Dude, even in Louisiana, 13-year-old girls are still just kids.  They don't blossom into sex objects until at least 14.

[FanHaus] 

The Suns defeated the Jazz 103-98 last night in a hard-fought, (dare I say gritty? I do) gritty battle in Phoenix.  Steve Nash led his team with 29 points on 10-of-12 shooting to go with his 11 assists, six rebounds, and one chipped tooth courtesy Carlos Boozer (24/13/4 steals/steroids?).  Fittingly, the chunk of tooth that went missing was a cap that Nash had to get when the Jazz's previous asshole power forward, Karl Malone, cheap-shotted him. 

That's kind of a microcosm of why the Jazz will never win a championship.  Boozer and Deron Williams can't do anything without living in the shadow of Malone and Stockton.  The young duo may be exceptionally talented, but they'll never be the assholes that Stockton and Malone were.  They probably don't even vote Republican.

Elsewhere in the Association: Michael Redd and the Bucks send suddenly slumping Magic to their first three-game losing streak of the year… Sonics rookies step up to ensure that everyone understands the Knicks are worse than they are… Big Baby Glen Davis (not this guy) got his first NBA start, getting 16 points and 9 rebounds (and shooting 10-of-10 from the stripe) as the C's improved to 11-0 at home… The Pacers?  In a violent altercation?  Well, I never!  Troy Murphy's ejection sparks Indiana's 117-102 victory over Chicago.

[Video from Jen's Free Throws] 

on display here, but here's the run-down: 

• The Spurs came into Sacramento 12-2, and left with a loss after someone named Beno Udrih dropped 27 points on them.
• In the game of the night, the reinvigorated Warriors outran the Suns 129-114 to snap Phoenix's 8-game winning streak.
• Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler powered the Arenas-less Wizards to give Dallas its first home loss of the season.  For fun, I like to pronounce their names "Anton" and "Karen."
• The woeful T-Wolves got their second win of the season in New Orleans, powered by… Marko Jaric? (more on this later)
• And here's the headline I never expected to see: "Marbury, Randolph come up big as Knicks fend off late Jazz surge".  I actually watched the end of this game.  The Knicks forced turnovers in crunch time.  It was surreal.  I thought David Lynch had directed a sports movie.